Been 9 months seperated. I've sorted myself out had some IC, which has helped me a lot as has GAL, I'm moving towards a career change which I've been desperate to do for years.
I can DB my way to an amicable situation with W but I can't get past that. My W tends to block people out for months or even years and wont say why to anyone. I always knew this while we were married but managed to stay off the 'block' list with careful monitoring, but a lack of contact due to a long hours stressful job she had meant I got onto the list without knowing.
I hoped by DBing i'd be able to ease my way off the list. It starts to work for a while till there is something I have to take a stand on then I'm back on. I could fold on every issue but I'll just end up with a bucket of resentment.
I'm pretty much alone in a foriegn country, I speak the language well but not well enough for close friendships. I've made some english speaking friends here but none I really 'click' with or trusted. This weekend I came accross some photos of W on a weekend away with one of those 'friends'. So now there is OM in the mix too.
If we had kids I would keep on trying or if I was reasonable happy here, but I'm 34, I want to change my job and get out of the city and make some friends.
I can't see my W changing, epecially while she is going out with someone else.
Think my goal now is simply to db my way to an amicalbe D. It's a waste and I'm very, very sad about it but I don't think I can hang around any longer
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I know what you mean about the block. Sometimes the kid sitch is a double edged sword because it truly is for better or worse. Contact is constant whether we can handle it or not. Otherwise my H is the same way. His \family can cut peole out forever without reason. Do not snoop no matter how tempting. It is a breach of trust. It feeds a negative fire. She does not need to explain anything to you while you are DBing because you can only control you!!!
Last edited by sgctxok; 06/17/0811:31 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hi mkultra, my social life is pretty much zero here, I'm a fish out of water, literally, I grew up in a fishing town and I just can't seem to click with the big city lifestyle, that and the language barrier. So there is not much opportunity for dating, plus to be honest I'm not ready for it, I need to sort myself out some more first.
It must be hard with the constant contact, espcially at times when you need your own space.
My snoop, was the only one I've done and the photos were on my own camera, it could be her way of letting me know. I'm not about to ask her to explain, its her business.
All the same I really want to continue rebuiling my own happyness and I feel I need to make some fairly major lifestyle changes to get there which will take me away from W. I'm in a catch 22, if I remain here I'll remain unhappy and W will not be interested. If go then W will be off with OM.
I don't regret any of my DBing though, it's picked me up, put me on the right track, and kept things between my W and I from spiraling into animosity.
dating for fun? sorry, but that's not great advice for a person hurting about his W.
So, WAWed, if you feel you've reached your limit and think DB has picked you up, then by all means, walk a new path towards a new life, I firmly believe that we all have limits, and you've been hanging on for quiet a while. If I didnt' have kids I prob would've been done with stbx looooooooong ago.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
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This is not recommended. Neither is the source.
Last edited by sgctxok; 06/17/0811:34 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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...
What the hell is "dating for fun"?
Are you advocating that this gentleman run around from woman to woman just having himself a good old time dining and dancing in the hopes it will aid in mending his broken heart?
Hmmm...I don't know what you referred him to but even on the surface this feels like the wrong thing to suggest to a newcomer.
Moreover, it is wrong to steer him towards the unsuspecting women that might well develop feelings for him.
Again, what the hell is "dating for fun"?
Hey maybe next we could advocate that "speed dating" BS so that all of us that are sick and tired of waiting for our spouses to step outta the boat can get a jump on our next dysfunctional relationship.
The only potential problem for me personally would be that my heart wouldn't be in it and no one can hold a candle to my husband and the family we made together.
I suppose I could just look at that as speed BUMP though.
To be passed on my way to screwing up another good man.
No. How about everybody get their sh*t together first before we start steppin' out.
It doesn't matter what your spouse is doing.
All that matters is what is well with YOUR soul.
If 'dating for fun', 'screwin for self-esteem' or 'name the next crock' works you, that is all well and fine.
I figured dating for fun was a bit of an odd concept. Dating should be fun, but fun shouldn't be its only goal I guess.
Weird feeling I have now. After the initial sinking feeling on finding out about the OM I now feel relief. I don't feel bond by vows to look after her anymore, she has someone else. I'll always be available as friend if she wants but it feels like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Maybe that is what DBing is, I've been faking it up till now and now its real.
what helped me was to divide my H in two: before and after. Before, he was a good man/father/husband, that man I miss and cherish in the back of my mind. The now, what he is now, I want nothing with,he is a liar and a cheat, a horrible selfish person who's hurt me to no end, the man he was before would've never done that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat I know exactly what you mean. Packing stuff to move and find I want to keep photos from 3 years back and before, there is a light in her eyes in those photos that is gone now. I miss that person.
When she took up that sales job she became so hard edged. I really hope one day she'll find her way back to that kinder self.
Really sorry your H has caused you and your family so much hurt.
