Ok, my head is spinning a bit but here is what happened.
I was half an hour late which is very unusual for me (I had a meeting) but I texted him to let him know I would be late. He was waiting at Leicester Square reading the paper. Luckily I saw him first so was able to gather myself. I greeted him chirpily and apologised for being late. He greeted me nicely and said he was sorry he had double booked himself; he had to go and meet his Dad at 8pm. I said no problem and we started walking to the restaurant. There was a film premiere happening so we had a quick look at that to see who it was and saw it was a Will Smith film so we chatted about films that we'd seen and he asked me if I'd seen Sex and the City and he said that he'd gone with his sister. We chatted easily about our favourite TV programme and then got to the restaurant. They sat us on a weird table in the middle of the restaurant so I asked for us to be moved and we moved to a better table and he agreed that it was better. He asked about the cat and I told him some stories about her.
We chatted about work and I said how well I was doing, expressed some annoyance with my Trustees to show some empathy because I knew that when he talked he would moan about his co-workers which he did. He seems to really not like it there but at the same time can’t seem to leave and is now quite into earning lots of money which he was never about before. Our relationship happiness always came first and his own personal development and happiness came above money - it is the opposite now. I empathised and validated how annoying it must be that he was having to put up with it all.
I asked him if he'd been doing anything else apart from work and mentioned that I was learning the violin and doing an art class and we laughed over me starting again on an instrument and how I would be able to duet with my 9 year old nephew who is learning the cello. He asked if I was any good and I said that although I had only had two lessons I was very good (blatantly not but might as well make myself look as good as possible). I said that I had also started an art class and I had done a cool digital picture of my cat, would he like a copy? He said he would and looked pleased with that. He said how much he's enjoyed playing again at a gig he did this weekend - he seemed more animated when we talked about music. We also had a really good laugh about a bbq tool belt he’d bought for his dad for fathers day – genuine can’t stop laughter - and I noticed he looked interested/ enquiringly at me afterwards.
We kind of ran out of things to say at that point so I said 'you wanted to talk about the house?’ He said yes it was something that had been on his mind. He said his feelings were that his parents, although they hadn't said anything, were wanting him out of the flat and he couldn't afford anywhere while he was still paying for the house. He said he wondered if I had any thoughts. I left a pause and said that I felt that 5/6 weeks for me was a relatively short time and that at the moment I was concentrating on rebuilding my life and wasn't sure I was ready to think about the house. However I understood his concerns about his parents and would think over what he had said..
*In my head I am screaming - you live in a gorgeous central London flat and your parents are never there, just because on the odd phone call and visit you get 'vibes' you want to experience no discomfort so I am expected to up sticks for your benefit. What about my pain, anguish and heartache - he will never know what he has put me through.*
I asked him if there was anything else he was concerned about and he said no, was there anything I wanted to talk about so I brought up my concerns about the joint bank account. I had put in an extra £200 to cover our phones bills that month (his phone bill in reality) but there still wouldn’t be enough in there. As I had put in an extra £200 would he consider doing so? He said he would. We chatted a bit more. I complemented his shirt and his shoes which were clearly new and he seemed very pleased with that. Note here that the shoes were horrible and the shirt was too, brown shoes with a grey suit, um no!! Anyway we went halves on the bill and I made the first gesture to go. We walked back through China Town and I chatted about my holiday to Singapore. He walked me to the tube and said 'so you'll let me know when you've thought about it' and I said that I would – not sure I said the right thing here as I was caught unawares. He looked kind of awkward like he wasn't sure if he should make some gesture towards me so I gave his arm a quick squeeze and said goodbye, walked down to the tube and didn't look back.
I feel strange - numb. He has got really really fat and I don't find him physically attractive at the moment. He also annoys me with everything he does and says, he looks pathetic. Why on earth is he doing this? It's like he wants to remove anything good from his life. His spots have cleared up but he is exhausted, he was stifling yawns a bit. I, on the other hand, looked good without meaning to sound bigheaded. Subtle but sexy, casual but with enough 'out there' to let him know what he was missing ;-) I sounded interesting and I was lively. We both talked equally and I didn't overpower him. I listened when he talked and he listened when I spoke.
I don't know what happens next really. Sorry that was a bit long and rambly! I’m feeling a bit guilty that I’m not crying or missing him or more upset. The truth is that I don’t really like him and don’t have an awful lot to say to him at the moment. Is that really bad?
