H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

[happycamper]

iamlost - thanks for the lovely words. H seems to want to skip all the emotional bit and just move on to the working hard at being friends bit. It's lovely to have some encouragement and some people who acknowledge that this must be very hard for me. H just says it is hard for him too.

Although we are not going to tell our families and the children until after our C appt, we did agree that I could tell some of the pastoral team at church. I spoke to one yesterday and one today. Both were very tearful and shocked. That kind of helps too - again because H just seems to want me to get over it asap.

[happycamper]

The best thing you can do it to try and let him go because you really dont have him right now anyway.

That really encouraged me that we are doing the right thing. This morning I was feeling very down and guilty about participating in the decision to separate. I suddenly started to feel that maybe separating wasn't the right way to go, and I started to question him about why he couldn't try to work at it. But you are so right broken, I don't have him. He left me a long time ago.

When I saw one of the pastoral team from church today, she explained that H has had a long time to process all this stuff, whereas I have just been hit with a sledgehammer. That's why his main thrust of discussion at the moment is 'how can we be really good friends', but I'm still stuck on 'what have you done?'

He just doesn't seem sorry at all. He's sorry for the hurt telling me caused me, sorry that he didn't speak up when the A started and we only had one child (not 4!), sorry for the inconvenience. But he shows no remorse, that would be 'dishonest'. He doesn't regret it because he loved SASHA and ELSA. I don't feel I have an answer, or a question, because 'Are you sorry?' just elicits 'For some things'.

Maybe 'Do you recognise what you did was wrong?' would be better? But then he might say it wasn't wrong because he was unhappy.

Anyone have experience of a H who is extremely intelligent and manipulative?!

[cat03]

because H just seems to want me to get over it asap.!

oh yea, that's their modus operandi, "move away folks, nothing to see here". Yea, if only it where that easy, to him, it wans't and it will never will be as awful of a punch as it is to you.

There is being guilty and being sorry, his lack of remorse is that part of him that wants to excuse the As, that's why there is no remorse, the As were a refuge in la-la land and an exciting adventure, so, he feels no sorrow, because at the time he was having a good time, he doesn't understand just how much that knowledge hurts you.

Don't try to extract heartfelt apologies from him, as he said, if he was truly sorry he would've stopped, but somewhere along the way the good man he was was lost. I was told not to try to seek solace from my cheating stbx, it is like a victim trying to get consolation from his abuser.

Why on earth would you feel guilty? the man cheated numerous times,and sadly, S seems the best answer. For a while, while my stbx went back and forth to ow he'd tell me "let's separate, I dont' want to hurt you" but I kept talking him into trying again, he just didnt' have the balls to tell me that while he was staying he wasnt' strong/willing to cut it out completely with ow. My trying to keep him just prolonged my agony and I was subjected to more indignities and lies.

You will have a great life, he's lost a chance to be with a good woman, will keep you in my prayers, it's a hard road to recovery and every now and then the whole thing will come crashing down on you, but remember, you will feel much better after a good cry, you will be ok)))))))))))

[happycamper]

Why on earth would you feel guilty? the man cheated numerous times,and sadly, S seems the best answer. For a while, while my stbx went back and forth to ow he'd tell me "let's separate, I dont' want to hurt you" but I kept talking him into trying again, he just didnt' have the balls to tell me that while he was staying he wasnt' strong/willing to cut it out completely with ow. My trying to keep him just prolonged my agony and I was subjected to more indignities and lies.

I feel guilty because of what I am now putting the children and our families through, I guess. Also part of my church culture is D is wrong, and I feel abit like the scarlet woman for inputting in the decision. Although H has committed Adultery, so in theory that box should be ticked. I'm going to be a single parent and we are going to struggle financially, and the children are going to have to have that life.

However, the rest of your paragraph is a warning that I need to hear. I think I could talk H into trying again if I put my mind to it, and I would be doing exactly what you did.

[near the end]

Happy,

A couple of thoughts for you, Divorce is allowed for adultry through just about all Christian denominations and Judaism and you truly have been the victim of it, not like some who claim there was, just so they could get out of the marriage and still come to church. You are now physically protecting yourself, as with your husband's habits, there are many diseases he could bring home. If, by the grace of God you are restored, he should submit to a full panel of tests and provide you with the results as a precondition of you taking him back. This would probably humiliate him, but it should be REQUIRED.

Also, the Bible allows for divorce in the case of the unbelieving spouse, when initiated by them. Your husband has renounced his faith.

This does not change the fact that life is going to be tougher. Please do not get into another relationship for economic reasons or rebounding. You can hold out hope for your husband until he marries somebody else. However, by all standards you are free to find somebody else if you wished. That is your call alone.

You are in a much better position to be a good wife than you were five years ago, or even a couple of weeks ago. It will be your husband's choice if he wishes to take advantage of that, in others words, get himself fixed, ask for forgiveness and come back.

You will survive and thrive.

NTE

[cat03]

yes, in the Bible the only reason for D is adultery, and clearly your H didnt just have a one night stand or a 3mth A, the betrayal went on for YEARS.
Could you honestly trust him again? I tried, but even as I was glad (at the time he was still with me) I could not believe one word he said nor was sure he was going where he said he was going, etc etc.
You are not the one subjecting your family to a D, it is your H who is doing this to YOU and the the kids, he has disrespected you , lied to you and cared for no one but for his own pleasures, not thinking for a bit what it might do to his M.

It doesn't make you a lesser person to be D, we all use to have preconceived ideas when we met D'd people, but now that we are in this sitches, D sometimes is the answer, specially if your S tells you he doens't think he can be in a R with you. My stbx told me he'd try, and he still cheated! even as we went to MC and him to IC, imagen how much detached is your H, he's already telling you he can't be faithful.

You are not the first one nor the last one woman to be single parent, things are not the easiest of course, being a single parent, but are not impossible, you can rebuild your life, and God willing your H will want to be part of your kids' lives, and thus, his duty is to provide for child support for all 4 of them. I work FT and based on my income and his I get child support which is plenty and enough for me to pay mortgage on my home, utilities and a bit extra to go out and for vacations.
It can be done, not the ideal way you or me wanted to live, but it can be done and you can and will be happy.

[happycamper]

Hi everyone

Feel just devastated today.

Wednesday night we actually had a good conversation. H started off by saying he was feeling unbelievably stressed and at breaking point. I think the thought of having to tell the children/parents is very overwhelming, whereas I'm still in shock, so it doesn't seem to bother me that much. Don't forget this is someone who has suffered abuse, and therefore the thought of telling people his secrets is very frightening for him. He says he is close to just disappearing.

I sympathised with him. I've basically said we would take our lead as to what to say to everyone from the counsellor. She can advise us on just how much of the story we need to tell people. I don't want to put him or our parents through unnecessary turmoil, it's not worth it. It is very clear though that I am not free to rant and rave at him about the As and the fact that he instigated this separation, he simply isn't able to take it. If I want us to have a good R for the sake of the children I am going to have to put my stuff on hold a little. Ha! And I thought DBing was over! Seems like I am going to have to continue to work at our R as hard as I was doing before.

Long posts can be difficult to read so I'll break this up a little.

[happycamper]

So, our good conversation.

I had written down some questions for him as things always seem to occur to me and then I forget them. Some he could answer.

When you had your As was there any part of you that thought what you were doing was wrong? Yes, of course. And he did feel guilt whilst they were going on initially. (Ok, so he is human then)

When your Dad had an A, he ultimately chose to stay with your Mum as he loved her. Are you not able to stay with me because you just don't love me anymore? His Dad did stay with his Mum but they have a very separate R now, they live as friends really. He said is that what I want? Because he doesn't. (Can see what he means, wouldn't want to have a rubbish R but just stay together out of cowardice)

Do you think my behaviour in our R justified your As? I very tentatively said that I understood that my behaviour in our R was difficult and that I clearly had made him unhappy, but I couldn't see the effects that my behaviour had on us were as devastating as the effects that his behaviour had had. I said he was free to disagree, or even not comment further, but I had to state it for the record. He did agree with me, he had completely 'f****d up'. I offered that maybe my contribution had been slow and constant, whereas his was more concentrated and dramatic. He seemed grateful for that.

I am writing this stuff down because it was an important conversation for me, and he spoke in a helpful way. I don't want his admissions to get lost in whatever may come. There are other questions there (he did read them all) which we may re-visit, or I might just leave. Things like, are you aware how much distress this is causing me, was it worth it etc.

In one sense he has said he was 'wrong' to do what he did, and he has shown remorse. I probably should take that and run!

[happycamper]

I've started to read a book called 'Putting Children First', which is all about separated parents dealing with the children during and after a D. It does go through the emotional stages that the 'leaver' and the 'left' are going through. It's good to see that the emotions felt can be very different. Of course it is hard for him too, but not in the same way it is hard for me. I recognise I am very much in the 'shock' stage - not really eating, not able to sleep very well, not really able even to process what this will do to the children. It is doing me good as it is helping me to focus on the children and how we can make life easier for them.

[Maya44]

Focusing on the children will help since you won't be focusing so much energy on H. I was the opposite and to a point I still am. I'm trying to make the focus all about me and D7 now.