Bring on the Rain - Part 3

[SueS]

Link to my previous thread......
Bring on the Rain - Part 2

Rob- Thank you so much! I know that H's life likely won't be as wonderful as he thinks it will. It will just take some getting use to on my part to be alone. My H was married for a short time before we met and then during our marriage, had at least one previous A. Me, well, I dated before I met my H, but he's the only person I've been with for 17 years now. Maybe my fear of getting back out into the world is what makes have those thoughts of him & OW together....and that they might be happy. I just have to remember that I've done this before. It's been a while, but I did live alone. H has never been able to be alone. After I was married and would go out with my single friends, I always told myself.....THANK GOD I don't have to do this anymore. Now here I am, 40 and knowing that I'm going to have to do this again. Thankfully now 40 is "younger" in everyone's eyes than it used to be. It's not seen as so bad when you're 40 & single again. I have to keep looking at the positives and I know that there are positives out there. You had mentioned that maybe my H won't look so irresistable when OW actually comes down to having to leave her family. From all that I know, she's planning on taking her kids with her to live with my H. I think that my H won't look so wonderful to her when she sees him dealing with her kids and giving her ultimatums when he sees that this fantasy life isn't the way he wanted it.

I had a talk with one of my nieces yesterday. She's 20. I know 20 is young, but she has a better head on her shoulders than a lot of 30 & 40 year olds I know. She is very, very close to D4. I asked her if she'd be willing to be there and be a person that my D4 can reach out to and talk to if she doesn't feel like talking to me. Not someone to give advice to D4, but just to listen. She's so sweet. She said that she would do anything for D4 and it meant the world to her that I'd ask that.

H has been on/off the past few days. Leaving work early to pick D4 up, wanting D4 & I to go to the park, wanting us to wait for him for dinner, offering to play games with D4....but then leaving at 10:00 pm to go "workout". I can't be exact, but I thought both nights (or should I say mornings) I heard him come in around 2:30. He wanted to get up this morning & make breakfast for me. He did but then went back to bed. I thought both he and D4 were sleeping when I left. They called later & he asked why I didn't say good bye before I left for work. It's just odd.

I am feeling better today. I felt better yesterday too. Just had a couple of down days I guess.

Have a good Wednesday everyone!

SueS

[SueS]

H called me this afternoon to ask me if I'd received an email from our landlord. Our landlord always sends his correspondence to both of us. The email was regarding our security deposit. I asked H if he knows what he's doing yet. He acted dumb and said, as far as what? I said, as far as moving....do you know where you're going or what you're doing. He told me no and then asked if I knew what I was doing. I hadn't been very forthcoming with my plans yet, as he hadn't had a word to say to me and I just did what I had to do for myself. I said that I'd found a place that I liked. When I told him what place it was, he immediately said....that place is crap, it doesn't have a pool and it's not in a good location. Keep in mind that it's about 3 blocks from where we live now and he's never stepped foot on the property. I said, it's just fine, it does have a pool in the back, it has everything I need and it's the right price. He said...I want you to look at *** & ***. Gave me names of two places. I told him that I'd already looked at both. One didn't have any security on the buildings & the other got really bad reviews for maintenance, up keep & just general management. He was surprised that I knew all that. He just mumbled, well, we'll talk about it later and then told me that there was one other place that I should look at. Trust me folks, I've been looking for a long time now. I know the areas, prices, ammenities....etc. of every place in town. Just another way of H trying to control the situation. His pushing of me may just make me pull away from him even further.



SueS

[SueS]

......in addition to above.......

Now I'm a bit angry. H always does this to me. He does nothing to assist with anything but then is upset when I make a decision on my own. Not that I need his opinion on this decision, but it's been like this. Anything....car repairs, purchases...etc. I'd ask & ask & ask for his help or opinion and never get it. Then, when it would come to decision time, my decision wasn't the right one in his eyes. Is he trying to ease his guilt even more by "helping" me pick a new place to live? Why the criticism on the place I've found? He's moving on anyway! I'm not about to put D4 or myself into harms way by getting into an unsafe place!

There....vent is over!

[kat727]

That's what we are here for. Vent away. My H never offered an opinion, he never stepped up so I ended up making all kinds of decisions that should have been made togther. Now I am paying for it.

kat

[Sara]

Just my two cents. But I think your husband thinks he has been daydreaming with OW, and never really intends to move in with her. He thinks his life is going to continue as is, nice and safe. He can date her while living with you. Now you've taken a step and found a place without him. I don't think he realizes how seriously you take his playing with OW. She's been sending him apartment links for months, and he's done nothing about them. If he was motivated he could have moved out before this lease ended. He's not very motivated.

[LL44]

H always does this to me. He does nothing to assist with anything but then is upset when I make a decision on my own

Wow, once again, Sue, our H's are similar. This has always been the way for us too. I asked and asked, got nothing, made a decision and was criticized. H tried to do it once this summer (criticized the new mower I bought *which I love by the way*) and he stopped himself, realizing he has no say in stuff like this anymore. Thank him for his opinions and change the subject.

Sara is right too. Your H is shocked you are making concrete decisions to move on. Cake eater and smack talk. That's all its been until now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just my two cents. But I think your husband thinks he has been daydreaming with OW, and never really intends to move in with her. He thinks his life is going to continue as is, nice and safe. He can date her while living with you. Now you've taken a step and found a place without him. I don't think he realizes how seriously you take his playing with OW. She's been sending him apartment links for months, and he's done nothing about them. If he was motivated he could have moved out before this lease ended. He's not very motivated.

I agree with this Sue. I learned to judge my wife by her ACTIONS, and not her WORDS while she was wayward. It was hard to do at first, but it served me much better.

Puppy

[saffie]

I completely agree with the above. did I not mention on one of your earlier threads Sue that I thought your H might end up trying to move with you?????

He seems to have no great self motivation but great amounts of self indulgence!!!!!

[sgctxok]

I agree with this Sue. I learned to judge my wife by her ACTIONS, and not her WORDS while she was wayward. It was hard to do at first, but it served me much better.

Puppy

And THAT's DBing!

[SueS]

Wow everyone! Thanks for the responses.

I've wondered at times if my H thinks that he'll just move with me if things fall apart with OW or he decides not to live with her. It's certainly not beyond him to do that. I've also wondered if he'll end up just getting a place of his own or with a friend, leaving OW high and dry. That is not beyond him either. Not that I would feel bad for OW if that happened.

My H emailed me after our conversation today with a link to another apartment, telling me to look at those. He also said...because you asked about what I'm doing...Are you in a hurry to get rid of me? I had a sick feeling run through me. One of those....I'm finally getting in a better place for myself now and you're concerned that I'm hurrying you out?...kind of feeling. I called him after work. I told him that I'd checked on those places and they also did not get a high rating and you have to have top grade credit, which unfortunately I (we) do not have right now. He said...Oh, you should be fine now. I said, why did you have to ask me the other question? He just said, I'm just kidding. I told him that I asked what he was doing because we still have a lot to figure out and we need to talk to D4 and talk abut what to say to her. H was silent. He did as he always does and changed the subject, talking about leftovers that D4 and I could eat.

I checked our computer today and H had gotten a link for some living room furniture. OW must have seen something she wants. I really think that H might be feeling the pinch from her because she seems to be under the impression that H is going to facilitate their whole move. It appears she thinks they'll be buying new furniture together too. I don't know if she knows that he's in the process of paying for his DUI. So that's a lot of his hard earned money meant for their move....gone!

Well, D4 wants to go to the park and I promised her we'd go.

Thanks again everyone!

SueS