Thanks for the wine in the morning (did you offer me some? I forget... Nope!! You just drunk it yourself...).
I had been for months beating myself up why I didn't or did those horrible things that brought me here during my marriage. And I was very mean with myself. But you know what? I had an equal amount of complaints about my H. Our difference was that I didn't "build" on the negatives. I focused on the positives. I never stopped thinking of a common future. I never questioned my decision to marry him. And I didn't quit. All couples have problems. Some of the couples around me have major issues that I know about. They are still together and want to be together. It is a choice. I know my H chose the easy -for him- way out. He decided instead of growing and maturing together, to just start all over again because we, his family, were too much work for him. Marriages fail. Unfortunately. But it is NOT always both to blame for (as my FIL conveniently says...). Kalni
I read somewhere if you are nice to the WAS then it makes it so much harder for them to actually D you. SO, like you I am at a crossroad....do I cut all ties so that he can no longer rely on me and maybe be forced to grow but then its easier for him to D me or do I maintain a friendship that might result in him not feeling as bad about leaving because then he can see that I am doing just fine. I wish I had the answer for you, but as you can see I am just as lost as you are.
This is the place I am at also. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. I dont know what is right and what isnt to do. I feel like if do maintain friendship makes it easier cause W will see my happiness and her happiness and that is what she says she wants. Really confusing on what exactly what and when to do things in trying to win the WAS back.
I dont know if OM in picture, but dont know how everyone deals with it and how I would deal with it if I did find out.
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
Hi Kalni! Thanks for your words - they mean a lot. I'm sorry for your recent frustrations. I haven't commented because everyone else is already offering such great advice. And yes, the wine was for me. You don't need to be drinking first thing in the morning!
Hi jandn - thanks for chiming in. It is confusing. I guess we just muddle through best we can.
Hey Lodo - I was a navigator in the coast guard and am addicted to charts and maps. I especially like reading the large Delorme Gazetteer state atlas books.
What you have said in your ramblings the last couple days makes me think that your W is going to regret losing you in the future. She may not understand the importance of giving her heart and soul to someone for life, but I am sure it will hit her some day. You have the right attitude for a long term relationship. I like the five develomental stages that Michelle talks about. I so very desire to live in a relationship which gets to the fifth stage. I felt that I got to the fourth stage, but my W decided to take the easy way out instead of recognizing the our insignificant differences are something that can be accepted and appreciated.
I also like that you are taking the higher ground and remaining friends with her. She has done a terrible thing by betraying you with infidelity, and there is no way you should ever condone this, but it is good for you and her to not shut each other out of your lives forever. Who knows what will happen if you find someone else - it may be that you and your W drift apart so that your new lover does not feel jealous, but for the time being, friendship is the best way to end your marriage.
Take the time to heal your emotional wounds and I am sure you will find someone else that is more mature and dedicated to commitment in a relationship. You are a good man that deserves a deep, long and meaningful love of a good woman.
