Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

I guess my thread got locked - not sure how this all works. Anyway to continue here is my update for today:

My W and I both awoke today at 5:30am. She was a little emotional. She started talking about things. I just listened. She is supposed to meet with a lawyer today for informational purposes. She basically talked herself into an angry mood and then a sad mood as I sat by and listened. It wasn't easy. She was bringing up all kinds of things like I wasn't around much for a long time (that is complete BS - I was taking the kids to their activities) and because of that she grew apart from me and lost feelings and really doesn't want to get them back. She said she wants to be free and independent and not have to answer to anybody. She said she is finally the person she wants to be and unfortunately nobody likes it - but tough $h1T. She said her mother has been pissing her off because she is telling her that she has changed pretty dramatically and my W clearly doesn't want to hear that. She said if she can get to a better place for herself, she will start to be a better mother.

It was very hard to take - making up lie after lie - she said I was not warm or friendly like her. She said nobody understands that she has been this person that she didn't want to be for years and now she finally is being the person she wants to be. She said she is going to see a therapist on Saturday for support. She wants someone who will support her new person and not judge her and love her for who she really is. She said she expects the therapist to support her decision to be who she wants to be. I got the impression that if she doesn't feel that - then she will be done with that therapist.

My FIL has told me that she is seeing a psychologist and not a therapist. She says she is seeing a therapist. I don't know what the hell is going on - all I know is that I wanted no part of this conversation. She also said that she wants a separation so she can begin this new life.

Then she got a little sad and said she was sorry that she is hurting me so bad. She also reiterated that she can't believe that I am not going to pull a lot of this stuff out against her later on. Her sister sent me a father's day card so she was upset because her sister didn't send her anything for mother's day. She also read the card her sister sent me. It said something to the effect that her and her H hope that things are looking up for me. So right away my W thinks I am talking to her sister which I am not and haven't.

I feel lost again right now. The uncertainty of our sitch is very hard to deal with. We have a good weekend and then she flies off the handle. I think she is going to ask for a legal sep. I think she is determined now to get out on her own. I just hope that she doesn't do anything stupid. If this new development leads to another man - I am going to have to move on with my life and forget her totally. I could never live with that after all she has done. I love her but I do not like this "new" person. She is mean, angry and selfish and a terrible mother. It makes me so sad to know that the person that I loved more than anything in the world has changed so dramatically right in front of my eyes. The person who sat and told me all her dreams of family and home now would rather sit on a lounge chair at her neighbor's house than have fun with her children in the house that we built together.

I am trying to detach - I really am - but knowing she is seeing a lawyer today is dragging me down. My boys deserve better than this - they have been through so much. 3x my W has told them we were getting back together only to snatch that away within a few weeks. Each time she does that it destroys them a little more.

Her Dad talked to me this morning as he is very sad - he said that he just wants to grab her and tell her to snap out of this. I told him him to worry about his own R with her and don't worry about me. She needs someone with common sense to be close to her. He is hoping that what she learns at the L today will scare her. I do not share that optimism. Maybe somewhere down the road she will figure this out and we will be the happy family we all once were. I have absolutely no optimism that will ever happen.

Sorry to be so down today. I go to IC tonight. Hoping that she can help me GAL, something I was doing so well a few weeks ago, before my W called to "recommit" herself to our marriage. I am not giving up by any means - I am just at a total loss on how to proceed. I am just concentrating on my kids and doing things with them. The same ones that she complained to last night because they have baseball practice and that makes her mad because she would have to take them there - but it's ok to go to the tanning salon down the very same street. It was ok last night when she waited for me to put the kids to bed so I could watch a movie with her and have dessert together. How does one cope with consistent inconsistency? I really need a little peace right now to get rid of this lump in my throat and ball in my stomach. I guess that's what you get for riding a roller coaster.

Thanks for listening.

[Phoenixdeux]

No one is helping your situation....including you. Your FIL and SIL are certainly talking to her and the more they push, the more she'll pull away.

One thing you should do, if you haven't already, is to indicate that you understand that she feels that way, you will respect her feelings, and that you are letting her go and find herself. I wouldn't say, "and I'll wait for you". Continue to be involved with your kids, and less involved with her. And please quit having these giant conversations every time she looks down. I personally think the best thing for you two would be to separate for a bit.

[mulesqb]

Thanks Phoenix - I think you are right(no, I KNOW you are right!). Believe me, I am trying to avoid these convos. It's hard when we are still under the same roof and she keeps initiating. Should I just walk away?? I am really not saying much back to her anymore. I had no idea SIL was going to send me a card. I haven't seen or heard from her in 2 months. She usually does send cards though.

I think you are right about separating. This is such a difficult living environment. I just wanted to separate without getting lawyers involved yet. I did tell her that I respected her feelings and am letting her go - I promise that was it. Still have a dent in my head from last week's 2 x 4s, so I did good in that regard.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mules,

I'm sorry to hear about this latest turn of events. I think your wife is likely to absolutely CRASH AND BURN one day when she realizes what she's done, I really do.

And it won't be pretty.

Puppy

[Phoenixdeux]

I'm sure there must be some kind of warning (she looks all down in the mouth, etc) before these talks. Just go do something. Let her start, say, "I understand that you feel that way. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, but I've got a few things I need to do" and then get gone. I really don't care if it's somewhat rude. Unless, of course, you want to take a more direct course and say, "know what? I really have too much on my plate to deal with more of this right now. I understand you feel this way, and really, I agree with you that it's best for you to go your own way and sort things out. Can we please just not talk about this for awhile."

[mulesqb]

Thanks Puppy - thanks for keeping with this. What does the CRASH AND BURN usually entail? I am trying to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead.

[mulesqb]

She gets that look on her face - it's undeniable. I do like like the more direct approach that you state - but I think she would probably start crying, so for now I'll try the first approach.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You'll know when you see it. Depression. Won't get out of bed. Distraught. Won't eat; won't sleep, or else sleeps all the time. Suicidal thoughts and possibly threats. Ugly, ugly stuff.

When she realizes, particularly, how she has pushed her own children out of her life, she will crash HARD.

[mulesqb]

She has done some of that already but seems to snap out of it. She seems to smother the kids now for a while after she kind of leaves them out. It seems to help her feel ok and get back to herself.

[mulesqb]

Update - She went to the lawyer. They pretty much told her that we would have to sell the house. She said she would have to quit her job and start a career to make it work. She is really thinking about things now. I'm trying to stay away - thinking of taking the boys out for ice cream.

She said her parents offered to pay for a yoga class for her so she can get her own time. She said to me that that was never a problem with me - that if she needs time that I support her. I'm dumbfounded - it is true but she never admits that.

I went to MC - she told me to start doing my own separation. Stop doing things with her and keep false hopes up. What do you guys think?? She made a really good dinner tonight. According to MC I should not watch TV tonite with her and go do my own thing.