but after I told her about the pastor pulling me aside, she said well I guess honesty is the best policy, I said what you have to be joking, honesty is the best policy you have to be joking, she said we all make mistakes. I said whatever and I have to go, and I ended to conversation.
I am trying to ignore her, but that doesn't feel right, she wants to talk and tries to draw me into conversations, I feel like I should be sympathetic with her and forgiving, but then I get crap like honesty is the best policy I really don't know what to do with that.
Jeff,
At times like these, consider a truth dart. Not R talk, nor getting bogged down in an argument/discussion, but a simple:
"I agree. Had you been honest with everyone to begin with, perhaps this wouldn't be so difficult right now." If she says "What's THAT supposed to mean?" or in any other way gets into it, just say "I'm not going to discuss this now. You said 'honesty is the best policy' and I was agreeing with you. I have to go (do thus-and-such" and end it.
your poems are so poignant, loved the new one (i'm a fan of "love hurts", it's such a sad song)
Boy, that statement about honesty, jeez, that tops them all (sort of like stbx telling ow long ago that he was a "one woman man" when she asked him if he was ok wiht "sharing girlfriends" (she had something going on! yuck} you see? it's just total insanity, they make no freaking sense. She has to minimize her sin, thus the idiotic comment. I'm glad you didnt' refute that with her, you'd go crazy otherwise, these WAS come up with the most moronic statements it is unbelievable. Chalk it up to idiocy.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Jeff, I just wanted to come by and check on you. Sorry your day started off badly. You know maybe she was just looking for validation but you just aren't in a place to give it now. I can see both sides (no I don't appreciate her side with the affair, just this particular situation).
Perhaps it is best wrapped up in a nutshell: you gave everything you had to make your wife feel special and pamperedand she was too immature to see that you were trying to demonstrate your love for her. Maybe two different love languages going on here. I hope she grows up for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
W called me at work again, said she got in trouble at the pool, kids were climbing in the rafters over in the play area and owner yelled at her that she cannot leave the kids climb in the rafters. I'm with my W on this, kids will be kids and you cannot protect them always. We both know that owner was just concerned about liability, but it made my W feel really little, like she wasn't taking care of the kids (crying begins)
She told me how much she does for the kids and her parents never did anything like she does for our kids.(do you see ongoing complaint, how much help others get and she doesn't - how much she does for the kids that her parents didn't do for her). I hear this all the time see prior post by me today second time today. (crying continues)
She talked about how she feels like she isn't doing enough for the children, or she is made to feel that way by watching other parents (crying continues)
She talked about how the kids driver her crazy, she cannot handle all the chaos, and she doesn't want to make the kids crazy. She doesn't like yelling at them. She said she was crazy (crying continues)
I halt conversation to get out of my office and called her back on my cell phone
She talks about her parents and how other people have a relationship with their parents and she doesn't (crying starts again)
She tells me that people think taking care of kids isn't real work, I said that I know taking care of kids was actually very hard work and she was doing the best she could and no one could ask any more of her. (crying continues)
Says she just wants to be happy, and its so hard on her trying to start her life over. Said she just wants to get away from me and the kids so she doesn't screw up our lives. She said she needed a break a vacation day from the kids, so I told her I would take off work next Monday so she could take a break from it all. (crying subsiding)
She said she understands this is hard on me, she feels like such a bad parent, I reassure her that she wasn't, I tell her I'm sorry that she doesn't have a better relationship with her parents like other people do. I tell her I lover her and if she needed me for anything I would be there for her. she said thank you, I didn't expect a I love you back
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Thanks karen for posting, W went to C, but said it was a short term fix, C just validated her feelings, said she was normal about feeling the way she does (C last year). W did do the pills for awhile Happy pills but doesn't like to take them so she dropped that also (approx 2 years ago)
I took a cue from your prior post to show my W empathy/sympathy as you can see from my prior post.
She is all screwed up, she knows there is nothing I haven't or wouldn't do for her. She knows she is the one screwed up in the head. When I get home, I reach out to her to hug her and let her know I'm there for her, we will see how that goes. If she is open or closed to my hug/touch.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Yes, I think so. I just don't agree with that C that your W sounds normal from what you describe. Maybe that therapist just wasn't any good, your W wasn't being honest with her (I don't get that but my H likes to present a good fake persona to the C and not be honest & maybe your W also did that?), or she has gotten worse this past year? She probably needs a good therapist I think, and/or AD's. I think AD's and therapy are better than going through life depressed. I don't think it is normal to go through life feeling depressed, feeling unappreciated, crying, and the other stuff your W has been doing. I think that's great you're being empathetic (I have some empathy for your W b/c I have been in that situation last year and my husband showed 0% empathy). But of course I think there is only so much you can do (or should have to do). Karen
I have felt like your wife is feeling, and I only have one child. I remember calling H in tears and asking him to come home or take a day off, too. Parenting is so stressful, and being a SAHM is tough. Showing her empathy is the right thing to do. Since this seems to be her reason for leaving......curious.....have you or her ever suggested she work parttime and put them in daycare parttime. Some moms are better moms when they are working in a job outside of the home.
A friend recently talked to me about the fact that when I left my fulltime job to stay home with the kids I lost a lot of recognition and appreciation that I got with my job. I started expecting even more of my needs to be met by my husband. I am realizing that my H can't be everything for me. It could be one reason why I looked for something outside of the marriage to validate me instead. Also, does she have some SAHM friends or a network. I know there are also lots of mother of twins groups. Twins have special challenges that onesies don't. Just wondering if she has some kind of support system other than you for that. ....thinking out loud I guess.........
Thanks everyone, please please keep checking in on me, I'm sorry I don't post more for you guys, I'm in a difficult situation right now.
I came home from work, kids where with W at her place, she agreed to work the consession stand tonight for a friend, she complained about them asking her at the last minute, she never says no to anyone but me. D6 and D6 had softball practice while W was working the consession stand.
I knew she would be home before me, I had my softball games tonight, 2 games, we won both. before I left I wrote a note to my wife.
W, I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do for me and the kids. I know you had a tuff day today, please try and take it easy. I know you are running in a hundred different directions. If you need me for anything all you have to do is call and I will be there for you. I'm thinking of you, I'm worried about you and you know I care about you. Jeff
I have always told her she was appreciated. when I came home from my games she was giving the kids a bath, I helped her finish up and as she was leaving she was crying, I told her I'm worried about her, told her to take is easy and I'll see her in the morning. I could tell she was holding back the tears.
Quote:
whatdidido: curious.....have you or her ever suggested she work parttime and put them in daycare parttime. Some moms are better moms when they are working in a job outside of the home.
We discussed what she wanted to do in life, and we discussed what she wanted to do with her life, I said great, we'll put the kids in daycare and she can follow her dreams, I told her I would support her in anything she ever wanted to do. This was before I knew about OM, so It wasn't a last ditch effort on my part. I was always willing to support her.
whatdidido: does she have friends outside M, she was a part of a mother of twins club, she dropped out of that, I always let her run, she went on several trips with her girl friends, and I always tried to let her do anything she ever wanted.
She has said this several times and I posted it before, She says she knows of no other man that would allow his W to run and go anywhere anytime his W wanted except me.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Ok, just seems like she is home alone with them a lot. I am a SAHM, but we rarely stay at home. I have playdates set up with other moms and their kids, or I have excursions planned. Being home alone with no one to bounce parenting ideas off of is difficult. She was saying she feels like others don't think she is a good mom, etc. Too bad she didn't stay in the Twins Group. They would have kept the playgroups going. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have other moms to talk to daily about kid challenges.
I said what you have to be joking, honesty is the best policy you have to be joking, she said we all make mistakes. I said whatever and I have to go, and I ended to conversation.