infidelity

[hoosiermama]

Thanks--all very good ideas.

MC is a week from today. My IC gave me some strategies; however, they include taking control, giving voice to what's been going on including the A, asking for guidance with the "what now" and drawing a very clear line about not wanting D to spend any time at all with OW. I think she's not far from figuring it out, but she just doesn't need to deal with being exposed to the craziness.

Just had coffee with a friend; we're having dinner Thursday. Having breakfast with another friend tomorrow. (yes, both women!) I've been inside my head too long with being alone in the house since Friday evening, was close to a panic attack earlier today but managed to breathe through it; it helps to be able to vent, to laugh, and to feel supported. I spent today antiquing; my feet hurt, but I literally shopped till I dropped and it was great not to have anyone to answer to but me. I think I got antiquing out of my system for awhile, and got a few new things to decorate with. This is my relaxation. I think it's also, in a way, how I anchor myself to the past; I have no family, which is weird and makes me feel as if I was dropped into this time and space. So I get a bunch of old stuff. Nothing expensive. Maybe I can have a booth somewhere when I reach retirement age!

[hoosiermama]

Thanks. I agree; seems we have a lot in common. I hope you have a clean bill of health from the CR cancer! From what I can tell, Reiki and HT are very similar; perhaps different in technique but with common theory. I'd also love to take a yoga class, and D has mentioned doing one together. This would be a good time to start.

My ministry is parish nursing. I am fortunate enough to be able to do it full-time. It has evolved, in my community, to consist mostly of pastoral visits, funeral planning, and bereavement followup. I work in the same parish where my daughter goes to school, which has been great. Very dysfunctional staff, however, lots of covert aggression and outright sabotage at times. I resigned my position (after 6 years) just a few days before the bomb got dropped (lots of grief piled on top of lots of grief) and haven't yet found another spot. I haven't had a lot of energy to work on that, and fortunately no one is in a hurry to see me go. I have a few leads, but nothing is moving quickly and I really need to resolve this so that I have one less uncertainty in my life.

[sgctxok]

What a coool position. I have a certification from one diocese for pastoral care and use to do home visits. But no nursing or anything like that.

It's funny, you 'expect' church staff to be kind and loving and have good relationships with each other. Now I think God puts them there for the parish to minister to THEM.

Focusing on that would be a good plan for you.


The doctor said the cancer was completely removed from the surgery. I have another colonoscopy in July (which is not bad, except for the stuff you drink the night before........although he has something different for me to try this time). I get them annually right now, because it appears there is a genetic component to this for me, although it wasn't one of the two they can screen for.

Have a great day!

[hoosiermama]

Good morning! I'm glad your surgeon "got it all." Yeah, I know what you mean about the colon prep--absolutely miserable! They have pills now, you take them every half hour or so; same results, but I guess the upside is that you don't have to drink vast quantities of yucky stuff.

Yes, it works well to combine nursing and pastoral work. I also dabble in case management (forgot to mention that) because these days, doctors aren't following patients like they used to and no one is overseeing the whole picture. I don't have a background in case management, but I'm learning. So I can do the visit, provide presence and prayer, sometimes a little HT, answer questions, evaluate "patient" and family and environment, determine if folks are realistic, help them make plans if they want, connect them with resources and follow up. Because they generally know me, or at least know of me, the trust level is already there and they tend to ask me things they won't ask the MD or the priest. We don't have any certifications here, and there isn't a lot of credentialling for what I do; I did do a unit of CPE. But since H is a CPE supervisor (and often seemed to forget I was a wife and not a student) I've lived it!

Definitely, some of the staff is there to be ministered TO--to have their egos fulfilled, to feed their control issues. It seems that another competent person on staff is very threatening to those things. I've fought it for several years, but recently it seems they don't just want to bug me, they want me gone and have convinced the clueless pastor of that too. On one hand, I hear what wonderful skills I have, on the other hand I hear from him all the things I'm not doing that he's wanted done. I'd have done them if he'd just communicated them, but I haven't had an evaluation in 5 years; when I've asked, he has said he doesn't have any idea what I'm supposed to be doing. But apparently I'm not doing it! So, it was just time to let that go.

Off to breakfast with a friend. Have a great day too!

[MP53]

So, here you are HM!! Was worried about you over the weekend, should have looked around for you a bit more.

From what I've read here and on the MLC board, you seem to be expecting a lot to happen in the MC session next week. What are your goals for this meeting? What do you hope to accomplish?

I know that when I was first faced with my husband's decision to leave, I hoped that anyone and everyone would explain to him what a huge error in judgment he was making. We also tried counseling for a few sessions, which I "encouraged" him to go to in the interests of being better "co-parents." I was certain that the therapist would, in no uncertain terms, tell him he was being an idiot, and a cliche, and to go home. But, ya know what? Didn't work out that way.

Right now, your husband cannot and will not hear what we think of as logic. Is he wrong to be doing what he's doing? Well, it is incredibly hurtful to you and your daughter. I'm sure he knows that. But whatever is driving him to leave and be with someone else prevents him from seeing that it isn't "all your fault" that he feels this way.

The best thing to do is to focus on yourself, do the self-care that everyone is talking to you about, and act as if the marriage is gone. Because it is. You will need to build a new relationship with your husband and hopefully it will lead to him remaining in the marriage. The old relationship was not working, or he would not have felt compelled to leave. It was not working for him, and you mentioned your own depression, so maybe it wasn't working that well for you either.

I would suggest counseling for yourself even if the MC is cancelled or doesn't work out. It's so helpful to have that 3rd party listening.

Hope you had a good time out at breakfast with your friend.

P.S. I love antiques. I think the way you spent your Tuesday was great!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I agree with the thought, as horrible as it is, that many, many MCs won't even necessarily discourage the affair. Sad, but true.

Couple that with the fact that MCing is almost never effective while one of the spouses is in an active affair, and the risks, I believe, outweigh the rewards.

Now, ICing, on the other hand, I think can be very beneficial -- for both spouses.

HM, did I read your thread accurately -- both the Church and the hospital at which your H is a chaplain know about his adultery, and are OK with it??? That shocks me, and saddens me as a Catholic.

Puppy

[MP53]

Puppy, I think most MCs will see the affair as a "symptom" of other problems rather than the "disease" that needs to be treated. And responsibly, when working for a couple, they are advocates for both persons, not just the "wronged" person. So they are going to try to listen to what each person is saying. It's mostly to facilitate communication, because honestly, by the time an affair happens, communication is gone.

I'm kind of wondering about the Church's stance (Episcopalian, right?) myself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

MP,

I was referring more to some Cs who actually encourage the wayward spouse to "find themselves" -- that sort of thing. Many -- maybe even most? -- aren't even what I would consider strongly pro-marriage.

I usually encourage a good IC for each of the spouses, and -- once the wayward spouse agrees to end all contact with OM/OW -- a good, pro-marriage MC who specializes in issues of adultery.

Puppy

[MP53]

Oh, I agree with that, Puppy. My husband and I went to marriage counseling for about 6 months when I found out about an online affair. And that therapist told my husband that we couldn't work on the marriage unless he dropped contact with the other woman. But my husband had stated his intention to work on the marriage directly to the therapist in our first session. So the therapist was speaking in light of that goal. (This was 3 years before my husband finally decided to leave.)

I'm merely pointing out that most therapists do not start off telling someone that they're wrong or being idiotic.

I think individual counseling, regardless, helps so much.

[MP53]

Also, sorry for the thread hijack HM!!!