Thank you dar and BFM. Her words have such power to make us see truth and goodness and to strive to be best we can be.
The past few days have quite a struggle for us. I am trying to keep my expectations at a minimum, but it is difficult. Having made clear my conditions and H having assured me that he is willing and able to meet them, it is difficult to wait for H to follow through and without nagging or pestering him about his progress. I have to realize that this is a huge mess to clean up and it must be done one chunk at a time or it will overwhelm him, and us.
I am looking for the baby steps and trying make him feel appreciated and accepted without letting him off the hook. I honestly feel that I need to stand firm on what I said I needed from him to move forward, and yet I can feel his frustration and I want to give him some reassurance. That all works for me logically, but emotionally I can feel my own need for reassurance getting stronger as we start to piece. I find myself having moments where I think about the life he had created w/ OW (even though it was all lies), imagining the little routine things that they did together, like getting ready for bed or eating breakfast together, and it makes me want to SCREAM!!! But I don't. The other night I had a little cry alone in the bathroom as I was taking off my makeup, imagining OW doing the same as she got ready to go to bed with MY H. I think it's these little things that hurt the most.
Yesterday H dealt with one of his major financial issues proactively, and I recognized what a positive big step it was in the huge task of H dealing w/ the damage from his MLC. There is alot of financial stuff to be worked through and I will do my best to support his progress - a 180 for me since b/f the A, I was very critical of him wrt finances, and I took care of paying all the bills and managing the money. I believe that letting H take responsibility for his own finances is a change that will hopefully make him a more responsible spender (always an issue w/ us - I'm much more frugal that H).
So the work of piecing has begun, and the need for patience is even greater now. This will not happen quickly, there is so much to be done, so much to be dealt with, so much to heal from. I keep thinking that his A lasted 2 1/2 years and MLC at least a year longer, and based on his behaviour, his moods and things he has said recently, I don't believe he is out of MLC, though it's anybody's guess what stage he is in. Will it take at least that long b/f I can say we are "fixed"? Or is this a lifelong process? My coach told me that I need to be sure why I am taking him back, b/c there will be some pretty dark days ahead for me - I'm trying to keep my mind focused on the present, not the past and not even the future. Whew, this is tough...
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08