Watching the kids while W goes to OM

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow puppy that helped tremendously. I can't say it enough but thank you. I'm struggling right now because we just had another great conversation on the phone. It was nice, I was helpful but not controlling. She's having a bad day and I only listened, but didn't offer to take care of the kids.

Of course in the end she did ask and I did say ok (I know wrong but this was before I read the post). But I really didn't want to go to work and I don't mind staying with the kids. Besides I was just going to run errands anyway and they enjoy doing that too so having them along is cool with me.

Plus the reason I said yes is that she is going to go take some time for herself to get some clarity before the counselors appointment. I think she does need to do this. I think if she got away from both of us she would see all of this, which is why I offer. But I also see now that that's trying to help her too much. It's her journey and she has to decide what to do. I realize that pulling way back is the best thing....but it's so hard to do. I really, really, really want to watch a show with her tonight. Plus I was already planning on taking both Thursday and Friday to myself to distance from her.

I think i will setup the boundary talk sometime at the end of the weekend, maybe Sunday night. I need some time to think about it. I won't see her tomorrow or Friday and Saturday only briefly to get the kids. I'm also going to set a boundary tonight of not being able to stay overnight with the kids. I don't feel right staying there and its very uncomfortable for me. If they want me there in the morning I'll just get up early and drive there so I'm there when they wake.

Tonight is the tough one. I'm seeing real progress. And no I wouldn't get back together with her tonight, and I won't be physical in any way. And I'm aware that if we do decided to work on it that she has to be in a different place. But I do want to watch the show. In fact I'll probably just watch the show and leave. But what do I say when she says what's wrong. (I know, I know that's why you don't go stupid).

Lynn

Lynn,

If I'm going to call "B.S." with you, I guess there's no time like the present.

Of course in the end she did ask and I did say ok (I know wrong but this was before I read the post). But I really didn't want to go to work and I don't mind staying with the kids. Besides I was just going to run errands anyway and they enjoy doing that too so having them along is cool with me.

Lynn,

My advice to you -- to cancel your "date" with your wife for this evening -- was not based on whether or not you "minded," or whether or not it met any of YOUR needs. It was strictly tactical, to begin to "stop doing what doesn't work/keep doing what does work" and to "180" and take back control of the agenda.

Plus the reason I said yes is that she is going to go take some time for herself to get some clarity before the counselors appointment. I think she does need to do this. I think if she got away from both of us she would see all of this, which is why I offer.

That would all be great, if that's what she was going to do with the time. You'll find that most of the time that you "give her space" will just be used to spend time with, and/or communicate with, her boyfriend. Couple that fact with the fact that you'd actually be ENABLING their time together, and you can hopefully see where this isn't helpful to your cause.

But I also see now that that's trying to help her too much. It's her journey and she has to decide what to do.

Yep!

I realize that pulling way back is the best thing....but it's so hard to do.

Lynn, no one said this was going to be easy. But what you're going to find is that RARELY is the "easier" path the "right" path. Almost always, it is not. SHORT-term, it will feel better/easier/less confrontational, but long-term it will take you FURTHER from your goal, and not closer.

I really, really, really want to watch a show with her tonight.

Too bad; sucks to be you. You'd better start learning to check YOUR emotional needs at the door. If your wife were to end her affair TODAY (not likely), she will, in all likelihood, not be in a position to begin meeting YOUR emotional or physical needs for at least six months. Resign yourself to that, start looking for other ways to soothe yourself, and stop looking to a cheating spouse to meet your needs.

Sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth, and the sooner you start to realize it, the better off you'll be.

Plus I was already planning on taking both Thursday and Friday to myself to distance from her.

Saying "just this once, and THEN I'll do what I need to do!" is only delaying the inevitable, and is a sign of intellectual dishonesty with yourself. Just as in WDID's sitch, saying "I'll begin no-contact with OM this weekend," I cry "bullchit" on this one, Lynn, sorry.

I think i will setup the boundary talk sometime at the end of the weekend, maybe Sunday night.

Ditto -- see above.

I need some time to think about it.

I agree. You need to be well-prepared. I scripted mine out, and PRACTICED it about three dozen times, alone in my office with my door closed. SO TAKE ONE DAY. You've been at this for several weeks now, you frankly have a MARATHON to run, Lynn, and you're stalling getting the first (albeit, admittedly difficult) 220 yards done.

I'm also going to set a boundary tonight of not being able to stay overnight with the kids. I don't feel right staying there and its very uncomfortable for me. If they want me there in the morning I'll just get up early and drive there so I'm there when they wake.

Lynn, this is NOT a boundary. This is nothing but limits on your OWN behavior. A boundary is a line of demarcation that -- if crossed - violates your own personal integrity. You need to think about what the three or four hard boundaries are that you want to communicate to your WIFE, that are indeed "dealbreakers," for which you are willing to stake your marriage and your honor. Only you know what these are; we can't make them for you.

Tonight is the tough one. I'm seeing real progress.

Define "progress." I think you're defining it as "that felt good"; or, "We didn't argue!" As someone far wiser than me once said, "Peace is not the absence of conflict." I would encourage you to define "progress" as actions (not words), over time, by your wife that represent a movement back toward your marriage. I could be wrong, but I'm just not seeing it. What I'm seeing is her demonstrating a feeling of entitlement, of "Oh good, I've got Lynn where I want him now, giving me 'space' while I figure out what I want to do. He's such a nice guy!"

Lynn, make no mistake -- I'm NOT advocating being an ASS. You should be "lovingly detached" from your wife. But you're going to be needing to do more honest introspection than you've ever done in your life, so I'm imploring you at least be honest with yourself, and not naive, so that you can squarely face head-on the difficult tasks that are going to need to be done.

You can agree or disagree with me about your strategy or about specific tactics, but until you have a firm foundation and understanding of the situation as it really exists right now, you won't be able to get started. And as it exists right now, your wife is having an affair, and in her mind she has received your tacit approval to date this other guy, while you wait for her to decide. She has lost respect (but not her love) for you.

Tonight is the tough one. I'm seeing real progress. And no I wouldn't get back together with her tonight, and I won't be physical in any way. And I'm aware that if we do decided to work on it that she has to be in a different place. But I do want to watch the show. In fact I'll probably just watch the show and leave. But what do I say when she says what's wrong. (I know, I know that's why you don't go stupid).

Well, at least we agree on SOMETHIN'.

Puppy