I spoke with Joann, and been following her advice here goes my story;
About a year ago, my wife told me I needed to work on my anger > management problems, going out partying with the boys had to be > less.. I > was also gambling and lying to cover my tracks. (I am in an intensive > program for that right now) > > > > Well long story short, I never got happy, I was getting mad at dumb > things, probably because I was holding in my feelings and it > would just > erupt. Never at her specifically. > > > > Anyways my wife told me May 20th, she wanted a divorce. I went > thru the > feelings of desperation, "I love you" "Please don't, I will get > the help > I need" and so on.. > > > > She is very angry with me, and has told me she even has begun to > resentme. > > > > We co-habitate in the house because we can't afford to move, so she > sleeps in the master bedroom, and I sleep in the spare. > > > > We hang out and watch a movie occasionally. I am in counseling > for my > anger management, and I completely stopped "partying" with the boys. > > > > Today the house might get listed. > > > > We hung out yesterday as I needed to pick out some new > glasses. The we > went to the gym. Then I started looking at sites like yours and > left the > browser open by accident. My wife asked why did you leave that open? > Those are things you should have been looking at a year ago. > > > > I know we are "soul-mates" .. and I am working on my corrective > behavior. > > > > She hasn't filed yet.. key word is yet.. > > > > Can you help me ? us? She wants no part of counseling, and > if I give > her any materials she likely will want no part of that either. > Last year > she made all kinds of suggestions but I didn't take it seriously > enough.Now I am committed to starting a family with her, but am > losing her. > > I started going to the gym this week, trying new things. She called me 2 days ago to ask me to wait for her so we could walk our dogs(small sign?)
Hi Red...sorry you have had to come here under these circumstances.
If you have not already, get a copy of the Divorce Remedy. Realizing you need to change your behavior is already a great step. Michele has great ideas and great insight.
Try not to push your W too much. And remember, this is a long haul, so it is not going to change overnight. Relax, and post, lots of people here have been and are going through similar situations.
The fact that you are doing things together is a good sign
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
why is it a good sign that we are doing things together? (dumb question?)
she came glasses shopping with me on sunday , then we had lunch, then we went to the gym. Then we went back to the house, which she wants to put up for sale (the market here is very bad right now).. we just finished a year of building this home together..
Monday she called to ask me to wait for her to walk the dogs.. we went on 1 1/2 hour walk, and i just listenede to her.
She had gone grocery shopping and got 2 "ripe" bananas... i took them both to work Monday morn.. she said" those were foreach of us"..the other bananas are green.. see nthats the type of things you do.. i apologized. last night i went and got some ripe bananas, and left her a note .. saying here are some ripe bananas for you and left a smily on a sticky note.
after our walk she also said" with a dog you'll be able to find a girlfriend easier" i pretended i didnt hear her.
today is a big day for me.. i am NOT going to call her at work...
She has also told me plans on what she will do on so-and -so weekend in September.. why is she telling me?
thanks guys/gals
M Jul 8-05 & Jan 21-06 She dropped the D word May 20-08
BTW she still hasn't filed....
i might have an opportunity to show change while our house rots on the market..
No not a dumb question. Its just that from a woman's standpoint, if she didn't want to spend time with you, she wouldn't.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
the rotten market has helped a few hope your house doesn't get any prospects!
Her unbelief will last a while, I know my then H was angry that it took his leaving for me to realize how wrong I was, he didnt' believe any of my changes, so you need to stick by your good changes and only time will show her that you mean what you are saying/doing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
we have 2 dogs and 2 cats, and upto a month before the D word.. we were trying to have a child..
So you think when she asks me to wait for her to walk the dogs (i.e tonight).. i should take that as an opportunity?
last time i just let her talk, i asked her about her day.
we also spoke about how i'd be around kids.. she said "you'd be jealous of the attention".. just like your jealous that all the animals come and sleep with me..
i responded (bad response) with "i think you'd be surprised.
What would you suggest for our walk..
last time we talked and even laughed..
but she is all about selling the house and moving on..
the first 2-3 weeks i was crushed.. this week i have decided to be strong.. i have been with a coach (Joann).. and am listening to everything.. watching for signs.
What about her friends that might tell her" move out move on, he's bad etc" ?
one thing i noticed, on father's day.. i said I am going to call my dad for father's day.. she said " say hi for me"
she likes my fam better than her own.. my mom and dad have said tell W we love her.. and so i passed on the message, she just smiles..
today..is a big step, we chatted in 1 email briefly this morning.
But i have not told her of my plans for this weekend.. (for sunday i am doing a 5K walk with my dogs for the humane society, so she knows as i asked her if she could get some pledges for our boys)
i know i am going all over here, but last night i went straight to bed after the gym, i think she expected me to wait up..
the rotten market has helped a few hope your house doesn't get any prospects!
Her unbelief will last a while, I know my then H was angry that it took his leaving for me to realize how wrong I was, he didnt' believe any of my changes, so you need to stick by your good changes and only time will show her that you mean what you are saying/doing.
She knows i am in coiunselling to work on my anger issues, she knows i quit drinking and smoking period, and she knows i am in itnensive gambling recovery..
She knows i am working out.. doing stuff..
She really doesn't think i will change, she has heard it before.
once our house goes up... the market is so lousy here right now, it could sit 60-90 days.. plus even if we get an offer it will likely be lowball.. and i'd likely decide to keep the house, as it will raise in value in the next2 years ( a new hospital is being built in the area)..
You are doing the right things. But she is going to need to see them for weeks, and months, before she is ready to change her course. It will be hard for her to back away from this decision, just as I am sure it was hard for her to make it in the first place.
