Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

I guess my thread got locked - not sure how this all works. Anyway to continue here is my update for today:

My W and I both awoke today at 5:30am. She was a little emotional. She started talking about things. I just listened. She is supposed to meet with a lawyer today for informational purposes. She basically talked herself into an angry mood and then a sad mood as I sat by and listened. It wasn't easy. She was bringing up all kinds of things like I wasn't around much for a long time (that is complete BS - I was taking the kids to their activities) and because of that she grew apart from me and lost feelings and really doesn't want to get them back. She said she wants to be free and independent and not have to answer to anybody. She said she is finally the person she wants to be and unfortunately nobody likes it - but tough $h1T. She said her mother has been pissing her off because she is telling her that she has changed pretty dramatically and my W clearly doesn't want to hear that. She said if she can get to a better place for herself, she will start to be a better mother.

It was very hard to take - making up lie after lie - she said I was not warm or friendly like her. She said nobody understands that she has been this person that she didn't want to be for years and now she finally is being the person she wants to be. She said she is going to see a therapist on Saturday for support. She wants someone who will support her new person and not judge her and love her for who she really is. She said she expects the therapist to support her decision to be who she wants to be. I got the impression that if she doesn't feel that - then she will be done with that therapist.

My FIL has told me that she is seeing a psychologist and not a therapist. She says she is seeing a therapist. I don't know what the hell is going on - all I know is that I wanted no part of this conversation. She also said that she wants a separation so she can begin this new life.

Then she got a little sad and said she was sorry that she is hurting me so bad. She also reiterated that she can't believe that I am not going to pull a lot of this stuff out against her later on. Her sister sent me a father's day card so she was upset because her sister didn't send her anything for mother's day. She also read the card her sister sent me. It said something to the effect that her and her H hope that things are looking up for me. So right away my W thinks I am talking to her sister which I am not and haven't.

I feel lost again right now. The uncertainty of our sitch is very hard to deal with. We have a good weekend and then she flies off the handle. I think she is going to ask for a legal sep. I think she is determined now to get out on her own. I just hope that she doesn't do anything stupid. If this new development leads to another man - I am going to have to move on with my life and forget her totally. I could never live with that after all she has done. I love her but I do not like this "new" person. She is mean, angry and selfish and a terrible mother. It makes me so sad to know that the person that I loved more than anything in the world has changed so dramatically right in front of my eyes. The person who sat and told me all her dreams of family and home now would rather sit on a lounge chair at her neighbor's house than have fun with her children in the house that we built together.

I am trying to detach - I really am - but knowing she is seeing a lawyer today is dragging me down. My boys deserve better than this - they have been through so much. 3x my W has told them we were getting back together only to snatch that away within a few weeks. Each time she does that it destroys them a little more.

Her Dad talked to me this morning as he is very sad - he said that he just wants to grab her and tell her to snap out of this. I told him him to worry about his own R with her and don't worry about me. She needs someone with common sense to be close to her. He is hoping that what she learns at the L today will scare her. I do not share that optimism. Maybe somewhere down the road she will figure this out and we will be the happy family we all once were. I have absolutely no optimism that will ever happen.

Sorry to be so down today. I go to IC tonight. Hoping that she can help me GAL, something I was doing so well a few weeks ago, before my W called to "recommit" herself to our marriage. I am not giving up by any means - I am just at a total loss on how to proceed. I am just concentrating on my kids and doing things with them. The same ones that she complained to last night because they have baseball practice and that makes her mad because she would have to take them there - but it's ok to go to the tanning salon down the very same street. It was ok last night when she waited for me to put the kids to bed so I could watch a movie with her and have dessert together. How does one cope with consistent inconsistency? I really need a little peace right now to get rid of this lump in my throat and ball in my stomach. I guess that's what you get for riding a roller coaster.

Thanks for listening.