This is awesome... you see if that quoted DQ comment makes no sense to you. It could be written in Japanese as far as your concerned. Do you understand why it is so hard for your Wife to understand how you take it personally that she doesnt want to have sex? And when you try to explain it to your Wife you could be speaking Spanish as far as shes concerned cause she doesnt understand one word.
I NEVER, EVER, NEVER understood the pain I was causing. Never til it was almost too late. Do you honestly think I would throw my whole Marriage and what I have worked so hard for away... just cause I did not get it. I tired so hard and I always fell short.. I didnt get it. I also had to go thru my H cheating on me several times and that only made it worse for me .
Try not to be so hard on you or on her.... it is honestly like you are speaking foreign languages to one another. It is very hard work but if you can get thru it with time and patience you will feel so Happy you made the effort. ~Ali
Maybe I'm starting to see it, but it's so hard for me to believe it.
Get along? Most of the time, we really do. When we don't, it's often really a case of me being angry at her or resenting something she did or said. She really doesn't get that way with me very often. In my other thread it seems like the consensus is shaping that I'm a doormat, so maybe that's why.
SOB - I can see you still don't "get" her side of things. That's ok. This will take time. If you really want to make this work out for the best for you and your wife, it will be a long road and you will have many ephiphanies along the way.
One of those epiphanies will be this: LOW DESIRE means exactly LOW desire. It is LOW. It is not sparked or ignited easily because it is LOW. If you are LD, you CAN be attracted to someone and not want to have sex with them. You can be in love with someone and not want to have sex with them. Get it? That's why it is called LOW desire.
If you can imagine that desire is a little live wire within each person. Now imagine that the wire in HD people is literally sitting right next to the other wire it needs to be attached to in order to produe desire. Its just right there, next to it.
In LOW desire people, the live wire is on the other side of the universe from the other wire, and it can sometimes require an outer space mission to find the two wires and connect them.
This is just plain REALITY. It has nothing to do with emotions, attraction, or anything else. (I am only talking about LD here, not the other issues between a couple).
Here is another point: if you are HD, then you basically want to have sex with many people you are attracted to. Would you consider this true for yourself? Your live wire is sitting right there next to the other wire, and visual attraction puts the two wires together, and voila! You feel sexual desire.
So how is it supposed to make your wife feel so loved and special that you have high desire?? You would feel high desire for anyone you are attracted to, correct?
I know this is over-simplification, and of course you do not want to have sex with every person you are attracted to...but I just want you to see the COMPLETE DIFFERENCE between the two levels of desire.
Low desire = LOW!!! Please understand that, it is not personal toward you! She was probably always this way and probably has never fully felt her desire in full force. The two wires have been too far apart from each other her whole life. This is all she knows. She doesn't know how to wire herself up, like you think should be so easy for her.
If you can really "get this" you will immediately make a HUGE step forward.
Stop taking it personally, no matter how counter-intuitive that feels. It is not YOU she is rejecting. She simply has LOW desire.
Now having said all of that ... there really is hope for you two. She really can learn how to wire herself. But she won't do it while you are secretly *hating* her for being herself as she is now. Why should she?
But she won't do it while you are secretly *hating* her for being herself as she is now.
I completely agree.
Quote:
So how is it supposed to make your wife feel so loved and special that you have high desire?? You would feel high desire for anyone you are attracted to, correct?
I know you said you were oversimplifying.... but I completely disagree with this statement.
I used to be HD~ and think I am underneath all the hurt. I know for sure my hubby is.... but this makes it sound like his Penis is just like a magnet and it is attrtacted to absolutely anything.
And the sad part is I used to feel like that. Believe that about his high drive. It meant I was not special. his drive was his and had nothing to do with me. Like my H would let anyone F*ck him and he wuld F*ck anything that moved....
HD doesnt mesn you have no morals and you cant keep your dick in your pants or your legs closed.
I know you didnt mean it literally but it sort of sounds like you are saying he would be attracted to anything. he wants his Wife to Want him and desire him.. if it were just about sex he xould find that damn well near anywhere.
This is a touchy subject for me cause my H is /was HD~ and he thought that by F8cking wh*res or having EA's he would get his fill or be happy. All he really wanted was to use his HD on me and I felt so ugly and unloved I never thought it was me he needed. I just thought he needed to "come/release" plain and simple.
Very ugly BTW for the so called "~LD" spouse to feel. I am very attractive to other Men and I was just withereng away. I didnt know he was saying I love you and need you by wanting to ML to me.... had I known I would have been the Happiest Woman on Earth. It is almost like there is this switch and once it is turned on you can actually understand what the other has felt for years.
It is very painful no doubt SB.... I give you a hell of alot of credit for being brave enough to talk to your Wife.
Now be brave enough to see that yu need to let go of the anger.. at the same time not be a doormat and find out who you really are. I suppose you are in a haze right now from no Sex..... get centered and take it from there.....
All the anger is possibly poisoning you and for sure your R with your Wife.
Yes I know all you are saying Ali - I was trying to get SOB to understand that this is sometimes how the LD spouse feels (that they are just a sex receptical)...I am not saying it is TRUE. It is likely how his wife feels though, as you have felt in the past. But it is not so simple...please don't feel that I don't understand where you are coming from. I have been there and done that, from both sides of the coin.
I am now in a great relationship and we are both HD for ONLY each other and neither of us questions that we may want sex with other people simply because we have high desire.
But when I was younger, married, and "didn't get it", I felt that my ex-husband (HD) would have wanted sex with any attractive woman who walked by. This was not correct, but it was how I felt.
Now I know better - but SOB's wife probably doesn't.
I just want him to THINK about her THOUGHTS, so he can understand her and ultimately, so they can fix this thing.
Now to you SOB - I said I would come back with more, and here I am.
Please feel free to go to my screen name and read my first post "new here" for my entire situation, in case it helps you. It may not, because there are many MANY things in my marriage which were different than yours...but to one thing that is the same and is relevant I want to direct this post to you...
The number one thing my ex-husband could have done that would have prompted me into changing and fixing my LD problem was if he took a stand on it and refused FOR HIMSELF to be married in a sexless marriage.
You see, my ex-h, like you, would have remained married to me forever because he valued/values committment so highly.
He valued committment higher than his own happiness!
He valued committment to the extent that he would have remained married to me long after he fell out of love with me!
I know this now, in hindsight.
I was the one who finally left him. He would have NEVER left me, even though he was unhappy and didn't love me anymore. I found that out after I left him. He would have never stood up for his own happiness and forced me to take responsibility for my part of the HD/LD sick dance we were doing.
I tried many times on my own to raise my desire. He tried nothing. I tried many times to bring him into my mind and world so he could understand better how to seduce me. He tried for 5 minutes and then gave up, because I "should have just wanted sex like a normal person".
I am hoping you see a point here - it makes me ANGRY that he would have stayed married to me forever, even though he was unhappy and didn't love me anymore. For all my mistakes, I always loved him and always wanted things to improve with him and I kept trying and trying. But he valued committment much higher than he valued me as his wife, or even his own happiness.
This is skewed! His happiness should have been his own first priority, as it should be to everyone. What he wanted was simple love and physical love from me, but he didnt have the skills and tools necessary to deal with all of my emotional baggage. OK - that is totally understandable - no one is born a mental health professional and can just "fix" a person like me with love. But what happened? Well, as he became more and more unhappy and finally fell out of love with me, suddenly I was now to blame for all of his unhappiness. It was MY FAULT because I didn't want to have sex with him.
Where was his own responsibility to himself for his own happiness? Why was it all on my shoulders? Why would he have put us both through misery for the rest of our lives, by remaining married to me in a loveless, sexless marriage? Why was that "ok" with him?
I hope you see what I am getting at.
If my husband had really made it very VERY clear to me (as in telling me that divorce was an option he would consider) that he would not remain in a sexless marriage forever, it would have prompted me into action, for sure. I was already trying, but I would have tried hard. I really did NEED TO KNOW that he would have put his own happiness above the committment of our marriage.
In the end, it was me who put my happiness above the committment and I left. He didnt' fight for me or pursue me. He already hated me by that point - and in his mind, the whole thing was and still is my fault 100%. I "ruined" his life, in his mind.
Please do really think about my ex-h and his thought process and see if you don't see yourself in there, at least a little bit. It is NOT honorable to remain married just for the sake of committment alone. It IS honorable to remain committed to your wife HERSELF - her, not the marriage.
My husband was never truly committed to me, now I realize this in hindsight. He was never truly in love with me. Now I see this was half the problem. He married me to satisfy his guilt for impregnating me, and he stayed married to me out of committment. But he was never happy, and blamed me for it every day of our lives together.
I see now that I could have made him truly be in love with me, in hindsight. I did everything wrong, too (please read my "new here" post for all the things I did wrong). I could have saved the thing and made us both be truly in love.
But I am a flawed and emotionally baggaged woman. I didn't have any tools and was pregnant at age 20. I remained an emotional teenager for the next 15 years.
He on the other hand, didn't have that excuse. He was and is an emotional mature person. The problem is, he doesn't really fully understand what LOVE is.
I do, I have love now, I have HD now, I have the man of my dreams now....if only my husband could have loved ME and not committment to a piece of paper (marriage certificate) we may have made it.
trying to get SOB to understand that this is sometimes how the LD spouse feels (that they are just a sex receptical
I also agree with this and I said that too. No harm sweetie.... I like that this forum is getting more posts too and every post can help others to heal or find wisdom or just plain laugh.... etc etc etc...... You know what I mean.
I see what you are saying ..... yeah his Wife probably does feel like that.... his feelings are real as are hers its just the hope they can meet in the middle and find solutions.....
SB~ hope everything went well tonite with the MRS. I also believe you need to get a notebook and write down small goals ...
IE, I will kiss my Wife on the neck and she will kiss me back...
I dunno you will have better things to put in there than I can come up with. But is is a start.... Find what works and stop doing what hasnt....
I will read your post later. My wife is putting the baby to bed and I don't have time to write a lot, but we've been talking this evening. I did tell her that I'm afraid we're heading for a divorce sooner or later, and it WILL happen if we don't fix things. The world didn't end. I have hope. Thank you all.
SOB - I am waiting with hopeful anticipation of your update. Yay, it sounds like you made great progress just by even acknowleding the "D" word exists.
