He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

I definitely want to get her into counseling. I think I will go that route with him. We had talked that if we ever got to the actual separation stage we would for sure do that for her, but haven't talked about it since it actually happened. I do need to do tah for her.

Well, yesterday was strange. The first "visitation" D6 had a make up Tball game so H met us there. Then after the game he took them to the store to get some dinner and bring it back to the house. With him being over an hour away, and their bedtimes etc. he just has to do much of his visiting here at the house. So I ran errands, did grocery shopping etc, and made a point to not come back to the house until 8:30pm (bedtime). So we put D6 to bed, then we discussed some schedule, financial stuff before he left. Then he asked me if I wanted him to put the ladders away in our detached garage before he left. I told him no thanks, that I was still staining and would just need them to tomorrow, so they might as well just stay outside for the night.

I then screwed up (shocker eh) and told him I felt like I was in a holding pattern not knowing what to do with my schooling idea. Do I do the home study I found of what I want to do. It's self paced, I could get through it quicker, but many of the jobs in the field require the degree in the field. There is state testing and certification anyone can take, so I would get that with the home study, but many jobs I look up want that 2 year degree. I could do that if we reconcile, I need the home study to get through quicker if we don't (so I can try to make more money quick to keep in this house).

I'm an idiot and brought that up. I said.. "I know it's probably hard for you to tell me which I should do since you are not in a place of R at all right now, but I still pray for that, and if we did, I'd rather do the actual 2 year program, where I could get the degree and finincial aid etc. I'm just feeling lost and not sure which road I should take".

He just looked at me and said... "why don't you call the school and see if any of your course work (I have my BM) from before would transfer and make it shorter than 2 years. And lets not decide this now"

So I don't know what that means. He says he's sure he's done. It'll never change. But I feel like while he won't tell ME anything as to not give me hope. He just might realize he truly won't know for awhile, so he's giving it time. I hope so anyway. Time is all I have ever asked for.

So today will be the first day that the girls will not see him at all. He will call tonight to say goodnight, but that is it. Then he'll come to see them tomorrow night.

I told him that last night it was easy to disappear because I had actual errands to run,but that I probably realistically and financially will not be able to do that every time he is here. I told him I can disappear, and work in my garden etc, but that we have a very strange situation right now. He agreed and said that was fine. And that he too cannot financially take them out each time. So I think tomorrow he will come here for dinner with us, then he'll go outside and play with the kids until their bedtime, and I'll try to be in my own world.

I just wish this separation could be more separate. I know that sounds so strange since this is NOT what I want. But I really worry he is not going to get the full feel of what it means in this situation.

Chris