Good thoughts. I am going to have to post tomorrow.
I had a work "complication" today that requires a response in Singapore tomorrow. But it is already 11:30 am tomorrow there - so I need get to work here today... I really hate that we are not the country where the sun rises first. Life would be so much easier...
I'll use the term "friends" to mean just that as well as something more.
Ive learned over the years that there is no singular reliable pool from which to draw from to make friends.
I've also learned that no one can predict with certainty whether or not friendships will be successful. All we can do is take it one step at a time.
Oh sure you can set some basic requirements in a friend. Must not be older/younger than self. Must have a degree. Must like (fill in the blank) but even then no one can predict with certainty the relationship will become more.
I do know that joining a group, of like-minded people, can make you new friends. The benefit of putting oneself into that situation is "more learning". We learn about ourselves. We learn about other people. That's a pretty good benefit IMO. :-)
I have read and reread your posts NMDodo, N_Hill and Soup...
And let thought percolate in my head for awhile...
And here is my evolved take on The Appearance issue and dating.
The Career: Yes, the way I have managed my career has been impacted by my appearance. I am lucky that I am NOT posting that my career has been impacted. The seminar was great partly b/c I felt like I am finally at a point where those men that engage in these types of behavior are "intimidaed" by me and keep their thoughts and actions to themselves. Perhaps my own demeanor has changed as a result of the "promotions" I have received in the form of increasing management responsibilities. It is no longer 1980 something. Things are changing. Many of the movers and shakers are M to women like myself - and they know how to treat women in the workplace.
Dating: I need to take baby steps. Dating sites are too big a step for me. It is too much pressure. I will take steps to get out of the house and get out more. I am going to a seminar for attorneys - it is a normal attorney seminar - very different from patent attorney seminars. There is a more balanced male/female presence.
And this is what is so uncanny about my goal setting... Just yesterday I posted about going to fundraisers. And well while I talked about political ones - I just talked to a neighbor - she and her H are going to a fundraiser for Parkinsons this weekend - Wallah - I have my fundraiser I. I am going to buy my ticket this afternoon. This group is primarily doctors (and their dates). My friend is in the pharma industry - one of her clients a cardiologist has organized the event.
The weekend after that I will volunteer at a local Ribfest in the beer tent! All proceeds from the Ribfest go towards organizations involved in domestic violence/child abuse issues. There will be bands and good food and hopefully fun people.
I suppose I am also lucky that I have no problems going by myself to events where I know no one. Sometimes you meet lots of nice people. Sometimes - if it is clicky - you feel a little like an outsider - that has happened maybe once or twice.
Since talking about and thinking about dating sets off a set of thoughts that overwhelm me. Why even go there right now? The goal is getting out of the house and doing something social every weekend.
So, in return I ask you, do you find yourself accommodating others too much (mostly in a R)? I think that is more my problem. Most people don't have an issue with someone taking care of themselves, however, by being too accommodating, I tend to attract men who take advantage of that.
I use to have that issue. I also attracted men and friends that gravitated towards me b/c I was malleable and leveraged my "people pleasing" and inability to say no to their advantage. And many of them relied on sulking, nastiness etc. to try and "persuade" me to continue to accommdate them when I started to back off. I use to feel like I was locked in a prison. And I was afraid of getting too close to people b/c it meant that I had yet another R where I felt overwhelmed and overextended. I was afraid to get out b/c I had to deal with the nastiness that followed that...
I fnally faced this issue when I Uninvited a Guest that I said yes to visiting me last December b/c I "couldn't" say no. My C rarely makes non-negotiable demands. This was one of maybe 3 times over the course of the last 10-12 years that he has done this. My C made me take responsibility for changing my mind and uninvite him. I had to do it by phone in a direct conversation. I was not allowed to sneak it in via email or voice mail or other confrontation avoidance medium. I had to remain constructive. And my C prepared me to expect him to be upset and to deal with that being okay. And yes, the Uninvited Guest was nasty - perhaps some hurt feelings were warranted. But he went into personal attacks which completely validated my decision to uninvite him.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and it was a huge life altering learning experience for me. It was the first time in my life where I valued my own needs in a case where I seriously inconvenienced someone else by valuing my own needs.
Since then I am not as nice or accommodating. My evaluation of whether of a request for something is not focused on "can I do it." It is "do I want to do it."
Granted I have not had much practice b/c it is much easier to take care of you when you are alone. The test is allowing someone in close enough and then being able to say NO knowing that saying NO will not make them happy. And yes, I am a little afraid of whether I will be able to still meet my own needs in an R.
And yes, given my programming from the past - I am use to people leaving the minute I stop accommodating. And that is scary when you care about someone. But I am finding that is a good thing. They are not really friends. They are in the R with me with an agenda. And it is the agenda that matters to them - not me.
The good news is that as I am changing the people that are graviating towards me are changing. They are more self-sufficient and better able to take care of themselves. They are not my friends b/c they "need" me. They are in my life b/c we have things we can share. And yes we lean on each other - but not in a desperate drowning kind of way.
And I have made an affirmative effort to get out of the business of rescuing people. I will offer a hand. But I will no longer jump into the lake headfirst, toss them my life jacket where I am drowning as they paddle away safely in my life jacket leaving me to drown w/o a second thought.
This one is a biggie. What have you tried to change in yourself to be "not nice?"
I took my law firm mandated nap - and well it ran over a little... So when I woke up, I felt compelled to pur a glass of wine and hang out in my garden. Now here in cornfield country, a 20 foot tall tree is a BIG tree and since I planted away as soon as I moved in I a several BIG trees! LOL!
There is an infestation in my county that is threatening the largest of my BIG trees. They have chopped down several trees in my subdivision. I vaccinated my trees last weekend - hopefully the insecticide will work its way through my trees in time.
Since Sunday I (and my cats) have been inspecting my trees and have formed a stronger bond with these trees. (If only dating were this simple ) Then I decided that additional glasses of wine was in order as I walked between my trees (there are some on one side of the sidewalk and others in my backyard - so I have a tree lined sidewalk on one side of my house) - over and over again with my cats following me. I think my neighbors think I might be catwoman with my entourage of cats following me and always w/in 5-10 feet of me. And they probably think I might have lost it walking over and over again between my trees.
It was just so beautiful outside. And well my dream when I bought my house (in what has previously a cornfield) with no trees for miles) was to hear the sound of wind rustling through the leaves. And it was to lie on my back and gaze up at the sky through the leaves. Now 10 yeares later - my BIG trees are a dreem come true.
Then of course I decided that I really must pay for my ticket for my fundraiser. So I visited my neighbor - with my glass of wine. And she is as nuts as I am. She works full time and has twins - and well finally had a moment to sand and scrap her deck so she could paint it! You see her H is on a business trip - so she doesn't have to cook dinner so has time to redo the deck.
Being a former W that baked muffins for a H from scratch before in the morning and well no need to go into my nutty W days - well she clearly needed an intervention.
So we popped open a bottle of champagne, pulled out cheese and salami and crackers as I elaborated on my new found epiphany that life is too short to work. As we drank, I cared less and less that it was already tomorrow in Singapore and she decided that a sick day was in order. I decided that we needed to invade Singapore b/c well their time zone is inconvenient for patriotic Americans and there must be at least one Muslim hiding there to justify a war.
We are doing lunch tomorrow and I am taking all of Sunday off. The fundraiser has a daytime component where you can do a walking tour through these gardens. It is somewhat work related for her - these doctors are her clients... so she has to behave. But I on the other hand faint at the sight of blood and feel queasy when I write patents about medical devices - so I can let my hair down. I think I may be a flight attendant at this party... I love making up fake stories at parties where nothing matters.
I am always so well behaved. At work - always controlled. At professional seminars - I have fun but am mindful of not engaging in any behavior that might be "stereotypical woman." In my neighborhood - always making sure I don't send the wrong message to a H or that annoys a W. Sometimes it is so nice to just not have to worry about all that stuff.
Yes, I think I will be a flight attendant - Hooters Airlines based out of Rockford and am on leave b/c I need "augmentation" surgery to get to the next level in my job.
My girlfriends and I use to make up all sorts of stories when I worked at NASA b/c we weren't allowed to tell anyone what we did. Apparently the Soviets were just waiting for an opportunity to kidnap us and waterboard us b/c we knew too much about a resusable vehicle and the Soviets were behind. Whatever - it did encourage creativity - and really flight attendants get so many more dates than engineers.
Life is silly and wonderful. Did I mention I love the bubble in champagne - although one should never try to chug champagne out of a bottle - it bubbles up your nose! Discovered that kernel of wisdom at my law school graduation
Loved reading your post.... what a hoot!!!! I'm a fan with just one read. I must delve a little further into your threads, I get the feeling I'll be entertained by your wit.
Have a great night!
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Life is good - very good! The sun is shining. Everything is green and beauoooooootiful.
My cats and I will be embarking on our tree inspection expedition soon. If you hear about a nutty woman and her cats chaining themselved to their trees to prevent them from being cut down - well that will be me! I do thnnk you have the option of treating them if the city finds something - but the little buggies spread so quickly, they usually cut down the tree immediately and wood chip it before they even move it. I really hope the insecticide works its way through before my trees (I have three of them) before the little buggies attack... And I do hope the city gets it under control - we have so many of these types of trees - some of them 40-60 feet tall. Many of the roads will look empty if they can't contain it...
Now onto work. I really really really really have to work today - even tho I really really really REALLY don't feel like it. I think I have Summer Fever - I just want to play! My treat will be going out to lunch with my neighbor - we are going to a new Korean restaurant. I've never had Korean food before - other than kim chee. It will be fun.
Life is silly, wonderful great - yes beyond good today! I love summertime!
) Then I decided that additional glasses of wine was in order as I walked between my trees (there are some on one side of the sidewalk and others in my backyard - so I have a tree lined sidewalk on one side of my house) - over and over again with my cats following me. I think my neighbors think I might be catwoman with my entourage of cats following me and always w/in 5-10 feet of me. And they probably think I might have lost it walking over and over again between my trees.
I decided that we needed to invade Singapore b/c well their time zone is inconvenient for patriotic Americans and there must be at least one Muslim hiding there to justify a war.