Online classes are hard - at the university where I work, I used to transform regular classes into online courses. Don't get discouraged if you have problems - some people take to it, others don't. It's just a matter of your teaching style; some teachers can handle the lack of face-to-face, others require it.
That's good that you're trying different approaches - you have to see what might work that is different from what you normally do. But as MWD writes, the initial reaction might be negative and then turn positive a few days later, so give it time.
Sounds like he thought you were withdrawn - were you, or were you conversational? With him or focused on kids? I don't know - maybe he was expecting you to be more enthusiastic towards him after the weekend and if he felt you were on the cool side he might have been discouraged. But that's his own deal. Sounds like you were open and consistent.
His snapping at you was definitely frustration. Maybe next time he is annoyed about a joint decision, you could gently remind him that he was involved, something like "I guess we didn't think through all the ramifications when we made the decision 3 years ago."
Very good response re: the difficulty of handling social time for the kids! You didn't give him anything to argue with. You expressed support, reminded him you used to have to handle all of this, and stayed pleasant in the face of his reactions. He grunted because he had nowhere else to go.
I'd guess that he's feeling frustrated, maybe discouraged, not thinking he's making the correct steps to win you back, maybe feeling like you're not as involved as you should be? I know in my sitch, when W and I broke up 9 years ago, I felt she was very distant and would always place her schoolwork and associated activities above any opportunities we had to work on R. What a surprise to come across her journal from that period while I was packing up the house this past April. I looked and discovered she was all over the place and thinking of me constantly. I hadn't even had a clue she felt anything for me - I felt like she was really done.
You DO need to have very clear communication when kids are involved - work hard to make sure it's clear. And that's good that you avoid his outbursts. Be consistent. I'm sure he's all over the place emotionally and wanting things to change fast, but trust me, he needs to become consistent too.
was thinking a little more about your sitch on my ride in. One thing that I think helps is to define your goals a la MWD in DR. I'm assuming you've read the book - did you figure out your goals? I know you've shared, quite eloquently, the sort of big, overarching things you'd like to accomplish with H in order to reconcile. But what are the specific milestones that you'd see along the way to know that progress is being made? The very small, specific things that start to add up and lead to the big things?
Maybe writing those down and being able to refer back to them would be helpful to you at this point - help you judge where things stand and give you a next step to work towards.
hi bridgestone...i was wondering if you could check out my sitch and tell me what you think..ignore the venting from the last couple of days...been kinda rough...
The very small, specific things that start to add up and lead to the big things?
Maybe writing those down and being able to refer back to them would be helpful to you at this point - help you judge where things stand and give you a next step to work towards.
lodo
Hi lodo, good thoughts..
Goal 1- When I feel my 'anxiousness' starting to rise as a result of my interactions with him, call a time out. 10 minutes to 24 hours, instead of falling back into old patterns of withdraw before being hurt.
2- Continue to try & be present in the moment, to find a way to say what's on my mind without assigning blame.
3- When "H" reacts to my saying what's on my mind in a negative way, let it slide off my back (be a duck).
4- Continue to provide positive feedback of what works for me, how it matters & why it matters. Decrease the amount of 'please don't do xyz"
Last edited by Bridgestone; 06/16/0807:20 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Here are my thoughts: #1 - I'd also think about what is causing the 'anxiousness'. #2 - within reason of course. #3 - I don't think I agree with this one. It's as natural for you to react as it is for him. So how do you make fighting and disagreement WORK for the M? Because it is healthy and can transport you to a better place. #4 - Good!
These are all focused on you and the overarching things you were striving for all were focused on H. So, a disparity. Any thoughts on that?
these are some of the things I need to change for me so I can bring a more healthy person emotionally into ANY relationship. I am not happy with me enough to consider being in a R right now.
The overarching things are changes that H needs to make consistently & regularly enough for me to consider working on a long-term R. I can not change those things.. however, I would like it if he would. If he can not or choses not to, than it is what it is.
The way he & I interacted a year ago was not healthy enough for me to stay in the R we had. We have both changed, however, as I stated earlier, neither of us enough, yet.
I have not changed enough for me to be in any relationship or him, for me to consider being in a R with him even if I was 'healthy'.
Does that make sense?
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Yes, it makes sense. I think my W and I are in the same exact spot. Difference is that she wants to deal with it by getting rid of everything in her life that doesn't have a direct bearing on her academic goals. Problem is, that's no way to live life. I really feel for her and want to show her a better way, but maybe I can't - I certainly didn't.
But, enough of me. So, I think goals should include both of you, since you evaluate H as well as yourself. You only have control over you, but you are looking at your H to see what he does. So what do you think those small, realistic steps are for H that you would like to see to get to the larger feelings of reconnecting?
I mean, ultimately you are here because you care enough about your M that you are open to working on things. That speaks volumes. But I think you need to consider the small stuff in order to not get frustrated. For your own sanity.
Who else do you like to read besides Bach? I went to the bookstore, BTW, and picked up a copy.
Just a note to say I hope you're doing well. How's the writing going? I'm trying to put together my first presentation - giving it next weekend at a conference. I'm really nervous - how do you give a presentation on something you haven't fully researched yet?! I know I'll do fine, but it's still scary.
Is your yard dry enough to plant yet? I need to make a major investment to finish fixing up mine. Luckily I just got paid for the house - spend it on landscaping? Hmmm.... I also joined a community farm and went out to clear my plot. It's going to take a lot of work, so I'm just planting chilis for the summer, along with green manure, and then will put in a winter crop and double-dig the plot in proper fashion.
Hi Lodo I am exhausted. about 2 hours of sleep last night after finally getting H off the phone & finishing my presentation for the online course.
I'm sure you'll be amazing at your conference. EVeryone there, if they are like mine, have been where you are. I love going to professional conferences.. they really charge me up & help keep me passionate about my profession.
Other things I read besides Bach, regularly? Nothing... One thing I am looking forward to coming off this 7 years of grad work & diss research, reading for enjoyment.
I used to be a historical fiction reader... can't even remember the name of the author that did the Centennial series. I have enjoyed Jean Auel's clan of the cave bear series (much better than the movie) as the level of detail she puts into her novels is outstanding and the research she does to make sure of archeological detail is phenomenal.
The Harry Potter series, (except for the last one- which I am saving that for the beach & umbrella drinks when I am finally done!)
I guess that is about it... I will be interested to see if my reading tastes have changed at all in the past 7 years
I have been on my grad school campus 3 of the past 4 days for 10-12 hour days (remember it is 2 hours away, as well, so time home has been limited). I need to be back there again tomorrow and then am off with S18 to his college campus multi-states away Thursday/Friday/Saturday for his freshman registration/orientation.
So no planting of plants.. hopefully by the time I'm back on saturday afternoon I have rested enough to consider it & it has dried out enough.
Some other single women friends & I have purchased shares in an local organic garden coop. They plant, weed, harvest we get 1/40th of the crop each week, all season long. Of course, we pay them a flat subscription fee no matter how much or little crop they get.. so far it is much more 'little & late' than 'much & early' :-\
Spend it on the landscaping! A wonderfully landscpaed yard is to a house as a beautiful coat is to a person. It doesn't really change the clothes (house) underneath but it sure can make a great first impression!
I have spent time doing 'little' things at 'my' house (I rent, but I had the house bought for me by a friend, with the understanding I would buy it when the D was final) which gives me some modicum of control over something in my environment.
And right now that feels like very little! So a new light fixture & faucets in the bath or hostas, bleeding hearts & astibles in a new shade garden, while minimal for cost & WOW affect.. have really made a difference for my PMA.
I am falling asleep over the computer and have to be in up in 4.5 hours to start tomorrow and the trip all over again. Need to go to bed.
good night & hugs to you for your rough day yesterday.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I know what you mean about reading. I used to read 3-4 books a month. Now I only read for pleasure when I'm on a plane and my laptop battery has died.
That's exciting that S18 is starting college! Is he going to a large university or a smaller college?
That's great that you belong to a coop. I am a member of a CSA (community support agriculture) out here. It's great getting a box of vegetables each week and then deciding how you're going to use them.
I'll definitely spend some on landscaping - it's going to take awhile though. I'm still trying to beat back the ivy.
Thanks for the hug - wasn't that rough, really. I just didn't expect it to be so emotional. It's hard for me to understand what she's thinking right now - why she wants to rely on our friendship, misses our connection, appreciates my changes, but is deadset against putting any energy into M and sees a R as a trap that will only limit her. Oh well.
Good luck with all your work. Forgot to mention - your first line about getting H off phone. That sounded a little stressful - I hope all is well.
