I agree with ROOT here. Our kids don't notice our happiness, and they don't care. They want theire meals and their toys and their needs and wants met. Happiness is not important.
I was very unhappy in my M for quite a few years and my H and I grew apart. My H had the A, not me, because he thought I did not love him anymore. I didn't know about the A until he told me about it and it had been going on for 18 months at the time.
My unhappiness manifested itself in many ways....withdrawing from the family, talking to friends about things rather than my H, massive amounts of retail therapy....you name it and I pretty much tried it, apart from an A, and NONE of it made me happy. I think I was having a MLC of some kind. Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to live my life in misery and after several attempts with different Cs and different types of Cs I eventually found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and a good therapist.
I tried therapists before who just wanted to go over past issues and some things to do with Family of Origin, (FOO), and these people did nothing for me- apart from insult my intelligence- I felt. Just going over the same old same old didn't help things move on.
Cognitive therapy, in a very simplistic form, helps you look at how you view things and process them and whether you process them in a reasonable, healthy way or whether you could approach them differently. I found it amazing. There are many books out there on this subject area - Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, and Learned Optimism by the same guy are just two that come to mind - but you do really need to go to a therapist also to help you back up what you read, and to explain things more fully.
It took me three attempts before I would open up and be completely honest with my therapist - I just find that kind of thing hard, but it saved my M. I saw some of the reasons I was unhappy, I realised the only person who could change those things was me. After some months of therapy I wrote my H an email explaining to him how I had felt and how I was changing and what my hopes were for our M and our future. It was at that point he told me about the A, stopped the A, and we worked on our M.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not some person, as Sara will vouch,who is happy all the time...I still have some pretty big lows, but I can reason my way through things a whole lot better andI will go back for 'tune ups' with my therapist. I no longer have to take ADs or medication for panic attacks etc.
I have to agree with many of the others on here that your attitude to OM and coming clean to your H about contact etc doesn't feel like you are really looking at putting 100% into your M. I had to reach rock bottom before I could seek help and then hope to work on my M again - I don't think you have reached that point - but hang around with OM enough and he will probably help you get there(-his propping up of you will only be temporary -), or you could just try fixing things by yourself and cut OM out of the equation.
One thing my H has said repeatedly since ending his A is that he now realises the A didn't help in any way; infact it made things worse as it added extra stresses to what was already a stressful situation.
Whatever you decide.....good luck.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
WDID do you have any friends who know about your affair and would hold you accountable to them?
I find having solid friends that protect you when you are vulnerable is one of the best protections going. A sister or brother or someone to check all your choices against whom you will promise NOT to lie to who will nail you on every choice you make.
Its really hard to police yourself...honeslty its an uphill battle.
Saffie has some wise advice, Mark's advice is great too, but like Puppy has pointed out, I don't think WDID is ready.
My suggestion WDID.... don't leave your marriage for OM. Dump him either way. If you are going to leave, leave for yourself and some future healthy realtionship. Logically, the chances of any guy who is pursuing a married woman being worthwhile is very low. A married woman going through divorce is going to have huge baggage. She's going to be an unhappy woman, struggling with self-esteem, low ego, guilt, depression, etc... What kind of guy seeks out this? What kind of guy seeks out a vulnerable woman? Usually someone who can't get a healthy one, and that should be a red flag that he has a problem.
Do yourself a favor and truly improve your life. Don't leave an unhappy, depressing, situation for something that has the potential of turning into a nightmare. You need to dump OM and focus on yourself. Once you are healthy (like in a year or two) then figure out if OM, or H, or someone else is what you want. The longer you spend wasting time with OM, the longer it's going to take you to clear up your head, get away from the confusing emotional turmoil, and really figure out what you truly need to make yourself healthy and ultimately happy.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Mark- Yes, I knew what you would say. Maybe I just need to keep hearing it. You said, "The OM that you think is so great will just act on impulse and fail to control himself. This may be a loss of temper, an affair.." This is a high possibility. AGain, need to be reminded this. OM does only care about himself right now. He says over and over "you did this to me" and "it is your fault". I do find my H sexy in the mature family man way, but like I said before something is not quite right. Need to work on how to fix that...could just need time.
The only friend that knows about A is my one gf who had an affair on her first M, married that man. Then, she had multiple A on new man, divorced for second time. Now is with the man who was the last A before last divorce. I doubt you would think she is a good accountability partner. I'm very close with her, but she knows I want my marriage. If I asked her to do this for me, she would.
Ok, klm, I see the point about it being an addiction and the reasons for the accountability system. I'm not going to tell him about the last contact, because it is stupid to do so, but I will think about what to do for the future. Like I said before I know him and now is not the time, maybe in the future. BUT, contacting him again is a "pull" and I need to think about that.
Sara-ty for asking saffie to stop by with info on counseling. You are so helpful to me. You were the first person to respond to my post at the very beginning and you have no idea how much you have helped me.
ROOT- I always figured if "mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", but could be wrong. Your last post makes so much sense to me. The only thing that runs through my mind is that I am already 37 and wanted a child. I know you are thinking "for gosh sakes already, you are having an A and your M is in ruins and all you are thinking about is yourself and your baby making abilities ". But, what I am saying is I'[m not getting any younger, I've been separated for 3 years up until 2 months ago, and I can't do this much longer. BUT, I agree....I need to focus on me being healthy and improve my life.
Saffie- I searched for CBT therapists in my area and have found none so far. I will keep searching. Maybe I could get those books to start me off. I am good with books and learn greatly from them.
Puppy- Let's hear the system. Can't promise you I will use it, but would like to hear it.
I don't know if maybe you have already said this somewhere, if you have I have missed it. But I have a question for you...do you have other addiction issues? (spending, smoking, drugs, gambling, gaming, porn, romance novels, excessive caffiene, eating, sugar, etc - there are too many possible addictions to list)
If you don't want to be specific, there is no need. I am just curious about this because I (being an ex-cheater) do have addiction issues as well. I won't bother being specific about my other addiction issues here on the board, but I can say that I am only a tiny bit affected by some kind of overall addiction thing...seems to be hereditary as both sides of my family are riddled with addicted people, most of them fairly mild cases. I have never gone over the deep end on any addiction and I have given them up when I chose to, but it is something I know I have within myself and will always have to be a watchdog to myself. As I said, I am apparently a mild case as I do not have some kind of big battle going on about it in my life.
I also know that the feeling of infidelity love and the OM is definitely an addiction (for some of us) and not "real". Being that I have an addiction thing, I know what it feels like and can now discern the difference between a *real* feeling of joy, and an *addicted* feeling of joy. I couldn't tell this difference, or didn't want to, for a long time.
So if you don't have addiction tendancies, then this post isn't for you and I apologize for hi-jacking. For anyone else - this could potentially be useful if you have a WAW or MLC or anything...
I think possibly those of us with an addiction thing may be more susceptible to infidelity, simply because it is a form of sex addiction, if you really think about it.
In my case, I have found that addiction can lie dormant for years and years and then pop up in an area I've never had trouble with before. So for myself, I had to learn how to know the feeling - immediately - of anything that is an addictive substance to me.
Now I am in a great relationship with the man of my dreams. We have a great sex life and now I KNOW within myself, that I will never cheat...and here is why...
I am addicted to my fiance! But much to my suprise, you *can* channel your addiction into *positive* outlets and you will still get the great high from it! It is similar to people who are addicted to running, or to their faith or meditation or yoga. You CAN get a healthy high from a healthy substance. My fiance is the healthiest substance ever, yum yum! (hee hee)
In fact, I will go so far as to say, that I am a sex addict too, except that I only have sex with my fiance, and my loyalty is soooooo undivided to him, that it is actually part of my addiction. It is "sex with HIM and only him" that I am addicted to, not just "sex".
Why in the world would I ever stray! (lucky me)
Now that I have been through a whole lotta crud in my life (divorce, tragedies, etc), I really do know what feels like what, if that makes any sense. I thought I was defective to the extent that maybe I just couldn't be faithful, at one low point of my marriage. Now I know that was not true. I was just too IMMATURE at that time to fully committ. I would rather get *high* or avoid true intimacy somehow, at that time. It was not because I am defective - I do definitely have the ability to be 100% faithful, and I couldn't be happier now. I just had to grow up a whole lot and experience a lot of pain before I finally "got it".
As for the transparency plan, or the issue of you being your own gatekeeper...I will share something that has helped me...
I am extremely spiritual, but not religious. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone (either Christian or athiest)...
In my beliefs, all my thoughts are *heard*. You can say that God hears my thoughts, or you could imagine that it is a higher-self of mine that hears them. I actually don't really know who or what to call the It that hears my thoughts, so I don't name It. But anyway...this is all I need to remember if I ever feel "weak"...because my thoughts ARE heard, that means that any thought I am having (temptation) that is going to get me in trouble is already out there for my Creator to know about! Who is higher than that?? The biggest penalty of all is not from the outside people you may harm with your actions, but from WITHIN you, where you will either do the right thing by your beautiful Creator and his creatures, or you will do the wrong thing and be exposed to him/it right there in your own mind.
You - always - are your own judge. And you - DO know your every thought and deed. If you always do the right thing, then you have nothing to worry about. If you do not do the right thing, it is only you who will suffer in the ultimate end (and I am not talking about punishment here, as it might seem).
So them's my thoughts...sorry for hi-jacking - hopefully any of it was helpful or made sense.
My focus now is on happiness within myself and in my marriage. I won't give it 7-10 years, but I will give it 6 mos- 1 year. I am unhappy and being unhappy is not good for my child. I need a time frame so that I don't stay in something "just to get through the day" and wake up 10 years later and realize that nothing ever changed.
I think one thing you and my H have in common is that you seem to be looking elsewhere for happiness: your marriage, children, the OP, etc. I think you will be unhappy until you make yourself happy. You won't be happy with OM, your marriage, or anything. I used to be like that, too, I thought if H changed then I'd be happy or if I had a different house I'd be happy. I didn't know that I had to make myself happy first. Now I've realized I can be happy with anyone anywhere (well I do need my kids though)! I would give up the OM and spend your time GALing and trying to make yourself happy; I think that is the only way you will ever really be happy. I think the OM is just a distraction. Karen
To find a CBT therapist try looking at Clinical Psychologists - that it what my CBT therapist's professional qualification is- CBT is his specialisation. I was referred to him via a psychiatrist who just wanted to put me on more and more drugs to try and sort my mental unhappinness out. The Clinical Psychologist saved me - really.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
How do I make myself happy? Sounds like a really dumb question, but when I think about what makes me happy it is other things or people. What makes me happy? My son, the OM, my parents. Hmmmm.....other things make me feel nice, but not happy....like hot baths, candles, drawing, watching movies, shopping, getting my nails done, pink, stationary, etc. etc. I really don't' know how to make myself happy......Right now I am probably depressed so it seems hard to answer that question. Where do you start?
I would give up the OM and spend your time GALing and trying to make yourself happy; I think that is the only way you will ever really be happy. I think the OM is just a distraction. Karen