Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[cw68]

No, it's not the adderall, this is my nature and it has apparently been a problem in our relationship from the beginning. (He didn't want to get married he now says, but didn't know how to say "no" nine years ago when we moved to California and that was part of what I stated I needed, that I wasn't going to move from Chicago to California if we weren't going to get married.) The adderall, when I take it, has actually been very helpful in me focusing and gaining clarity. Didn't take it today. I had a breast MRI earlier today and didn't know if it would interfere with the contrast they had to give me via IV, so I skipped it. I've been taking it about every other day or so.

I guess I'm just pushing to get some control, which goes back to one of our original problems. I actually am trying to talk him into slowing down the papers part. But I do need to know what's going to happen in my future since I'm going to have to move, go back to work, the whole shebang. I guess now that he has made a decision, I need to move forward. He wants to put the house on the market yesterday but there are things we have to do before doing so. He doesn't live here, so putting the house on the market doesn't change his day-to-day, but with the kids out of school, it really affects us.

Regarding counseling, I'm glad he's willing to do that, but in the meantime he's still moving forward. Now that he's made his decision, it's in everything he says. Numerous times in either conversation, email or text he said that he was done with this marriage. In a lighthearted moment I sent a completely separate text of "I don't think I'm clear; are you done with this marriage or not? ;)" His reply was that one thing he still loves about me is my ability to mix in the humor to lighten the pain. He's the one who's all divorce, divorce, divorce and I need to get a few things straight so that the kids and I aren't totally displaced by this.

I will take your comments to heart and think about them, but I think it's time that I start planning my future as it's going to play out and for that I need him to participate to a certain extent. His lease is up at the end of July and he's wanting to figure out where he's moving. He's the one setting the living arrangements on the front burner. Me, I would have liked it if he would have ignored it and have to had move back home, but that wasn't to be.

Maybe I can't sit back. Maybe that's part of the problem. But I am me in the end, I guess. We either figure this out together or I'll be pushing myself on the backburner in fear of upsetting the apple cart forever. I can't live like that.