5 yr DBer, "Joint" D now in progress

[RSmiles]

Hi everyone- Some of you may remember me, I posted a lot back in 2003-2004 during my previous S. These forums are so supportive, and I really enjoy meeting everyone- so I am back again and in need of friends/support..

Brief history- Successfully pieced M back together in 2004, after being on the brink of a D. A year or so later, things started going downhill again and I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing. However, I kept hanging on. Then, in the last year or so, things have been getting worse- H is having another EA online (2nd or 3rd?) and we started having money problems since H will not get a job (I've been supporting him/us.) H has done some freelance work but has not had a steady job for 4 years (since we got back together in '04). To top it off, H has a drug problem and blames most of his life problems on me, often snapping at me. I realize I haven't been perfect either- I've found it way too easy to get defensive and argue when he blames me for things. I've also been upset about him not seeking a job and insisting his music will make money. But, unfortunately there's more- H has pretty much been avoiding me for a couple of years. Doesn't come to bed until 7 am- then sleeps half the day. Yells at me to buy him groceries, yells at me about lots of stupid things like the dogs chewing up stuff. H is a musician who wants to be a rock star with groupies and believes this is his only career. I thought there might be some hope when H decided to see a C for his depression a few months ago. But, that is when things started to get even worse. H started coming home from his counseling sessions with a huge laundry list of things he hates about me and why we are so different from each other. It is kind of true that our interests are opposite in recent years. H is mostly just interested in his music and thinks that the things I like are 'lame'. I completely see through him and know he is projecting his own feeling of failure on me- but how much is a person supposed to take? A friend told me recently, "Life is not supposed to be suffered through" which makes a lot of sense to me. He does not want to do things with me (it's like pulling teeth to get him to go somewhere with me-even the grocery store) and has basically skipped our last 3 wedding anniversaries 2004-2007 (out playing a show with his band and thinks he's too broke to do anything to celebrate) One year I was invited, the other years he didn't think there was room for me in the band van. Nice anniversary, huh? Feels like I'm living with a 16yr old. It's possible H has had PA's out on the road- I don't know and don't have proof though.

H no longer wants to be M- and I realize I deserve better than this- thus our "joint" D filing recently. H first consulted a lawyer and then 2 wks later, I retained a lawyer for myself too. So here we are, trying to do a "cooperative D". We're both still staying at the house we own-but avoiding each other. H wants me to leave the house by Aug 1 (when the D temporary order is in place) and he acts like he is 100% about this D. In fact, he nags me every other day about D progress/getting done. H wants to keep the house but has no money for it so he thinks he's going to rent it out and possibly make it a huge music studio. Whatever. Nevermind that it was my savings and a gift from my family that helped us get this house to begin with. I feel totally used. I have roller coaster emotions, but see the logic that this is a poor R for me. And, I know, I should just forget worrying about the money. So, I've went ahead and have started to make plans to move out of state in about a month to live near my family. My family lives in Portland, OR area- which is a nicer place to live than where I am now and I will have more job opportunities there. So, my life does have the potential to be happier/better. Also, I think the move will really help me start over easier and get through this, not to mention I'll have the support of my family. Nonetheless, it still feels like a failure. I feel like I've spent so many years trying to stick it out and make things better and it ends like this. From the previous S, I remember feeling lonely and confused and betrayed. Then, I'm also worried about "starting over" and how long it will take to get a new job, etc. I gave notice to my current jobs this week and it hit me - oh wow, this is really happening- am I going to make it through this D?