H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

[happycamper]

SSM thread
Background thread

Hello everyone.

I am looking for someone to give me some words of wisdom as I feel I am still in shock from the bomb I received 3 days ago. My H admitted he had been unfaithful to me many times during our 15 years together. This included 3 one-night stands, one PA lasting 1 year and one PA lasting 3 years. I never knew about any of them. He had had a short PA with one of my best friends 2 years ago which I knew about, but that seems now to be of least importance.

He feels powerless to stop being unfaithful and doubts he is capable of any relationship longer than a couple of years. He is not willing to risk our relationship any further by staying together and having more counselling etc. He doesn't think anything can help him. He's tried counselling and religion and neither have helped him.

So that is it. On one day I found out who my H really was, and before I had time to get angry our marriage was over. I feel like I screamed and the wind whipped it away. I am trying to deal with the two concepts at once and getting very confused.

I don't want to go on too long, so I'll write more in the next post.

[happycamper]

On the one hand there is relief. This man has been dishonest with me from day one. This is partly not his fault as he did suffer sexual abuse as a child and thanks to the lovely DanceQueen I do understand the impact that will have had on him. But when we married (we were both christians and I was a virgin) he told me he had had 3 sexual partners.

Gradually as the marriage progressed, he admitted that actually his past before me had been very different. Not only had he had many more than 3 partners, but he had also had a drug habit, taken part in group sex, and sadly had sex for drugs with another man. The last parts of this tale I only learned 3 weeks ago.

He ran up considerable debts behind my back, with secret credit cards and even special addresses for the statements to go to.

Finally 2 years ago he admitted he no longer believed in the faith that I thought he held and left the church completely. Of course he is more than entitled to do this but it left me very shocked.

I always got the feeling there was something he wasn't being honest about, and he was distant alot of the time. I just put it down to that being his personality.

[happycamper]

I have spent the last 15 years of my life assuming I am an anxiety-ridden person, prone to worry and fear. Frightened of the post (bank statements) frightened of the phone (banks calling) frighened of his wardrobe and bags (finding receipts or notes). I am now wondering if that was only me with him, and not me all the time.

The thought of a future that I control is hopeful. But then I also recognise I am going to be lonely. I am 35, with 4 children - who is really going to want to take me on? *cries* Am I going to be on my own? Will I ever kiss anyone properly again?

I have not been without fault in this whole affair, if you read my SSM thread you can see some of the damage that I did.

[happycamper]

On Saturday when he told me the relief was tangible. I suddenly found the honesty from my H that I craved our whole relationship. I made me feel that everything was ok, he did love me after all, he was kind, loving, funny.

Then gradually what he was saying sank in and some very dark, angry and hurt feelings have started to settle in. How could he do this to me, someone he was supposed to have loved? Who is this man I married?

He is sorry for the hurt this has caused me, and he admits it would have been much braver to tell me when he started the long term A (in 1999, shortly after the birth of D) but he can't say sorry for the A, because he says that wouldn't be honest. If he was sorry, surely he would have stopped it. Aparently its ending was mutual.

There is no sobbing, no pleading, no making up to me for what he has done. It is over. I have no rights.

And it feels like he has ruined my life. I will be left on my own to bring up the four children, living on benefits.

[saffie]

Your H sounds as though he is sick and in need of help -therapy or counselling.

I think you will run through a whole range of emotions now.

It does sound as though your fear of things like the post etc has been brought about by living with someone who is deceitful - even if you didn't know the details I suspect in some way your gut was telling you SOMETHING was wrong.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, but this is a great place for support, and I am sure, in time and if you want, you will find another man who can love you as you deserve to be loved. Of course, if your H receives the help he needs, perhaps that OM might be him!!!!!!

[happycamper]

Saffie - eeeeek, there's a thought!!

It is very strange, at least I have got my friend back (in my H). The funny thing was, he could only be honest with me about his As when I 'stopped' being his wife and became his friend instead. The atmosphere around the house is so much better.

[saffie]

Secrets cause stress.....and could be what drove him to do some of what he did. Sex to forget about money problems or spending to forget about being unfaithful???Where is the beginning and where is the end??? That's why I think help may be needed.

I would think this is the very beginning of another journey for you.

[iamlost]

The thought of a future that I control is hopeful. But then I also recognise I am going to be lonely. I am 35, with 4 children - who is really going to want to take me on? *cries* Am I going to be on my own? Will I ever kiss anyone properly again?

Yes, you will. And it will probably be better than the first time around. When you find it again it will be honest. Hold me to that promise? I'm good for it.

And it feels like he has ruined my life. I will be left on my own to bring up the four children, living on benefits.

My darling--you are only 35. You are young, and I will wager anything--have much more in you than you give yourself credit for. You live in the UK, so I hope will take advantage of living in a relatively progressive social system. It is, after all, what it is there for--to help. And we ALL need help at some point. That's what it's there for.

Warning: this is not DB advice...

That bastard was only a benchmark. So, now--you know how how deep your soul goes. I'm saying, from where I'm looking right now:

It must go very deep.

[JeffSTL]

Another new one here, I wish it would stop. Hello happycamper I'm sorry you are here.

There are too many of us, one by one we file in, lucky to find this place. Listen to the people here, they will try to help.
Don't listen to me, I'm the lost soul in this place.

We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.

M45
W41
M10 3/4 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

[No Longer BH]

HC, when I first heard the news of the PA, my world went spinning and I felt like and elephant was on my chest. I stopped eating for over 2 weeks and could not stop crying. People here told me it will get better. At first I did not believe them. How could it, this is awful. How can I make it through this kind of pain? But gradually it has. The nightmares are gone, I can breathe again and I am even started to find things that make ME laugh. You are just at the begining of this process and you will definately go through a storm of emotions. It's ok, thats normal. Heck, I still go from feeling rage towards him one minute to the despair that he has left the next. It is all part of the healing process.

Now, I want to say something that I think you need to hear. The As are not about you. You did not cause them, they are not your fault and the fact that your M might be ending has nothing to do with you. YOur H is a very sick person and until he finally gets the treatment he needs, he can not be a proper spouce to you. You deserve to be loved in a better an more honest way. Maybe one day it will be by your new improved H or maybe it will be with someone else. The best thing you can do it to try and let him go because you really dont have him right now anyway. By mentally letting him go, you get to start to focus on a better happier you. And trust me when I say this, finding a great IC right really will help make things better.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you had to find yourself here.