Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[cw68]

No, we're going to a SBT marriage counselor. Back in January I found one in our area, but he wasn't interested. He went to an IC for a while and apparently during the first session she suggested we go to MC to learn how to communicate better. She said he could go with the intention of having a smoother divorce and I could go with the intention of saving our marriage, but that regardless we'd have to get better at communicating.

He is adamant about divorcing me and filing papers asap, but has agreed to this. I'm thankful. We need it. Right now we are on a nasty path and I don't want to go there.

I know how you feel about the whole thing. I'm right there with you and just wish I could skip ahead one year at the least. But I can't so I have to find a way to make the highs of the ride last longer and longer.

One way is repeatedly telling myself that it is over. False hope has done me no good. I've known for a while that it's over, just wouldn't let myself believe. Now I have to believe and see some of the few positives of the situation. My H isn't the man I married. He doesn't have the moral fiber I thought set him apart from others. This has been a particular let down for me because I really believed this was a strong point of his. He doesn't love me, he doesn't appreciate me. He doesn't want to save a marriage, he'd rather make the kids take the hit. Thinking this makes me like him less and less, though I still love him somehow. My sister says it's not him that I love, but I love the idea of him and the life we planned on having together. You know, I think she's right.

I would still chose not to end this marriage and make it work for me for all the reasons I've said before. But nothing in my life is my choice right now. That's just the way it is.