Get Out the Map (8)

[lodo]

Hey WCW,

You make me laugh I'd forgotten about wise grasshopper.

Give me some respect - no way I'd let her take the truck if OM was going to drive it. Found out a friend of ours is going instead. Maybe she's dropped him? Don't know, can't figure out what's going on. She's got to work with him to finish her project and they're supposed to lead a workshop in Aug-Sep.

So, there it is.

Glad you stopped by tiredandlost - i've looked in on your thread but haven't posted there.

lodo

[lodo]

oh, and WCW, the steamy romance novel part? That's because I'm still waiting for the sex-starved separation forum to be created

[kat727]

Don't wait. Create it yourself and then we will all hop on the wagon with you!

[karen43]

Don't wait. Create it yourself and then we will all hop on the wagon with you!

Yeah, me too! And then we can take all our sex-starved talk off of Kat's thread!!! Karen (uh-oh, I just realized anyone that hasn't been there is about to visit!!!)

[lodo]

Hey guys,

Just doing my usual slide into evening sadness. Ignore me.

The question that haunts me, has haunted me, will haunt me, is this: It's her, right?

I mean, I'm really sorry I slid into depression and I didn't do dishes enough and I preferred to wash dishes in the morning than at night and at the end of a long day I wanted to relax at home rather than go up to the city and I was shy at parties and I couldn't discuss scientific research with PhD students. But I was really willing to address those issues.

The ones that mattered, though: making her feel secure, making her feel special, making her feel desirable, making her feel loved, making her feel attractive. I thought she knew. She didn't.

So, she gets involved with OM as a way to rescue her self-esteem, to jump-start her career. Realizes it's a mistake but won't return to me. I pander to her whims and appear to be a sop. So she strikes out alone - "I don't need anyone to be happy." But she misses our conversations, and now she wants someone to rely on.

So what happens next? I really don't know. Everyone I know thinks we're incredibly weird. "Divorcing people just don't DO this, they don't ACT like this" they say. Maybe not. So I'm waiting for a bolt of lightning? That's what happened last time. But why do I think this is a firm foundation that could last another 40 years? I don't - that's the hard part. I'm realizing that, with all my faults and failures, I'm the foundation because I'm the consistent one. She has to rely on me, and she doesn't realize how much.

You don't realize what you've lost until it's gone.

I think this is right. This is what seems right. But maybe I'm wrong...

lodo

[No Longer BH]

Lodo, you sound like what my T said to me yesterday. She said that I have been the adult in this relationship and H always depended on me to take care of things. When circumstances became to tough and I needed him to step up, he ran to find an OW. Her advise to me was to try and cut all connections at this point. She said he needs to go at it completely alone to 1) see what he is missing and 2) to force him to grow into the adult he is suppose to become.

This advice has been really hard for me to hear becasue I dont want to let him go. I miss him and just want him back, but realize that even by giving him a small amount of contact I am letting him still feel connected and cake eat.

It sounds like you have really taken the high road through all of this. That is what I trying to do as well. I read somewhere if you are nice to the WAS then it makes it so much harder for them to actually D you. SO, like you I am at a crossroad....do I cut all ties so that he can no longer rely on me and maybe be forced to grow but then its easier for him to D me or do I maintain a friendship that might result in him not feeling as bad about leaving because then he can see that I am doing just fine. I wish I had the answer for you, but as you can see I am just as lost as you are.

Nights always make me sad too.

[lodo]

Hi brokenhearted,

Thanks for stopping by and saying something.

I started to withdraw, to go dark. But it just felt like I was playing a childish game. I couldn't do that. W can run and justify all she wants, but in the dark hours of night she has only herself to confront. I feel okay with the choices I've made, though they may have lost me my W.

Good luck to you - maybe you can be firmer than I.

lodo

[No Longer BH]

At least you can hold your head up high and know you stood firm in your resolve to try and save your R. Your right about the ghost dancing in their heads at night. One day the will have to face the reality of their decisions.

[gForce]

I don't think any of us feel that we didn't have a part in the problems in out R/M. I don't like the idea of going dark either. But we all have to decide which is the cheesy tunnel for us. You have kept your integrity by continuing to fight for what you hold dear. By being patient when patience is not rewarded or deserved. Don't second guess yourself.

[fightingirish]

lodo,

no Marriage is perfect, god knows. Don't beat yourself up over wht you should have or shouldn't have done. Its in the past now. All we can do is learn what "worked" for us and what didn't.

There's always cause and effect. and your right, you don't know what you've got til its gone, that's why I won't let go,and for my children.

Hang in there.