Update from an old friend...

[VJ39]

Hi everyone! It's been awhile...I'm not even sure where my old posts are anymore, so I'll just start fresh. I see some familiar names...some new ones. I hate to see anyone go through a divorce, but if we have to, I love to see everyone come through with a strong, postive attitude about the future!

OK, update on me. Nearly three years now since the D. XH and OW are married nearly two years, and communication with them is minimal. I talk to him about once a month, the kids somewhat more often, and he sees them about once every six weeks. Our relationship is still strained, and I now accept that it will most likely always be. I used to make myself crazy wondering why we couldn't reach a place of peace and friendship...now I just think the combination of how things happened means that it will take a very, very, long time, if ever, to reach that level. Also, XH won't let it happen anytime soon. He still stirs up conflict in order to hold on to anger toward me, and to justify his leaving the marriage.

But I'm good. The anger is gone, I don't feel much at all toward OW or XH anymore. I hate that my kids lost their family. I don't like that my finances have taken such a hit, and I wish I had planned better, but I like my life. I like being accountable to only God, myself, and my kids. I like not having to juggle XH's moods anymore.

I'm still looking for a better job that will ease my finaces...I pray it happens this year, because I'm about at the end of how long I can hang on with barely getting by. I want to buy some new shoes!!! I do have faith it will work out, though - it always does.

The kids are healthy and normal teenagers! My oldest S17 and I had a rough year getting along with each other, and he has talked about living with his dad, but that is fading. He is the one who refused to talk to XH for two years, so that would have been a huge change for him. I think we are back on track...he is a great almost-man, and I am proud of how well they are doing. S15 and D12 are good. Can you believe how old they are???

I guess the biggest news is that I entered the dating world again about six months ago. I met a very nice man here in town. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him - he's handsome, has a decent job, is a wonderful father to his two boys, and from the way he tells it, his two divorces (yes, two!) were not of his doing. He gets along very well with his first XW (mother of the two boys) and it tells me a lot about him as a man that they have respect for each other. She has been very friendly and warm to me.

But somehow, I am starting to hesitate. It felt very nice at first, to have someone to go out with and have someone to spend adult time with. I'm afraid I may have jumped into something and now am faced with hurting someone, because I just am not sure I'm feeling what I should be feeling in order to keep going with this relationship. I can talk myself round in circles trying to analyze this, but the bottom line is that I feel torn in too many directions, and the time spent away from home is beginning to feel like too much - I find myself more and more just wanting to have "my" time with my kids. I don't want to end something promising just because I've gotten cold feet - but I don't want to keep him hanging on if this is not going to be what he is thinking it will become.

When I wasn't dating, I was lonely and wanted to find someone. But the reality of that creates such a huge juggling act, not to mention kids who resent mom dating, and I'm just not sure it is worth it. It might be easier if my kids were younger - but they really haven't accepted him and resent any time I spend with him. Obviously, I don't want to let my kids dictate my entire life, but I don't want to create a tension-filled home either. I saw what my kids went through when XH married OW without any consideration of their feelings or thoughts on such a huge change to everyone.

I guess I just expected to be blown away like I was when I met my XH...does that still happen after all we've been through or am I being unrealistic? I never doubted for a moment with him, and it wasn't even like I had a decision to make when I married XH - it felt like it was just how it was supposed to be. I'm having trouble trusting my own feelings - maybe because I was so sure of XH and he ended up walking away? So I don't trust my own judgement anymore?

Well, that's it for now. I will gladly accept any viewpoints on this. And let me know you you guys are doing too! I'd love to hear from old friends...feel free to hijack this thread to give updates!

VJ
(and yes, I realize I'm not 39 anymore...but I just can't bring myself to change my signature yet! )

[ALL6785]

First! Woo Hoo!

[ALL6785]

VJ, there was a discussion going around a few months ago about this very thing. I was also having some questions about if I even possessed the ability to love again. I was wondering what was wrong with me because I just didn’t feel like the fireworks would ever happen for me again. Well, the fireworks still haven’t gone off, but I’ve decided that I’m ok with that. I think the general consensus was that it’s normal to be a bit overly cautious this time around. I think it was also the consensus that communication was crucial. Have you shared your feelings with him? I would bet that having been divorced twice and having kids of his own he would be understanding about all of these things.

I believe it’s important to set the tone for being open and honest early, the longer you hold things in it tends to become harder to talk about it rather than easier. All in all I would say it sounds like you’re doing great and the things you are feeling are totally normal. If he has any sense at all he’ll be patient and understanding because he knows it’s soooooo worth it, if it means he gets to spend time with a classy lady like you.

Oh Ya, I'll have a shot of Patron thanks. Woo Hoo!

[BethM]

VJ,

Just wanted to say that what you're going through is very normal. I think that we women have a harder time making a commitment because our heart rules more than our head. No I really don't think that it's supposed to be what we felt (as far as the fireworks go) the first time around. We were young and stupid and had absolutely no idea what a real commitment meant. All we really believed was that it would be forever. Well we all know how that story ended, don't we.

I think that I've gotten use to being my own person and that in itself is hard to let go of. Oh and then there are our children. No they don't much like seeing us with someone new and somehow we think that we're taking something away from them if we dare to have our own life. This, I imagine is when it would be easier having younger children.

Anyway, before long our kids will have their own lives and I imagine that it would be easier on them if they didn't have to worry about us being alone. Right now they are still at home and guarding their territory, in a couple of years it will be a whole different ballgame. We have to remember this and decide if we would rather be alone forever or just for the timebeing. Problem is, no guy is going to wait around forever!

Love,
Bethie

[tkgray]

Hello All,

You and I actually started on the boards about the same time. I changed my handle.

Dating after the D is tough. I found someone and thought she was the one about a year after my D started. Turns out, I wasn't the one for her. I found it more crushing than my D. I have had others on here tell me that is not uncommon.

I know I had some walls going into the r after the d and I doubted I could truly love again. But I did love her. More than I did my wife. So it is possible...but the pain can also be twice as deep (at least for me) because of what we learned here and our Ms that ended.

But try and be open and honest from the start. And if you suspect there is tension and you think it just might be a mood, ASK. Don't take things for granted and think they will tell you. After all, we are all only people and 99% act the same way.

Hope that makes sense.

[VJ39]

Thanks everyone...should have known ALL would be first! Some things, thankfully, don't change!! A shot for ALL...

What you are saying makes sense...and I do feel better knowing its not just me having these feelings.

Thanks...I have a job interview tomorrow morning, so I will check in later. Wish me luck, say a prayer...I think it's time for VJ to grow up and get a REAL job! (Since it's been three years and I haven't won the lottery yet. Dang it)

VJ

[Trip]

Good luck!!

[KarenMarieS]

Hi VJ
Welcome back!

Funny when I was reading where your friend was on very good terms w/ his ex, thats exactly like my B and his ex, they are REALLY good friends lol shes so nice to me on the phone and even has sent a gift for Christmas and when B and I got engaged They have buried the hatchet so I have nothng against her, they share two grown children and 3 grandkids.

There was a thread not long ago on love the second time around and it was pretty much a hands down opinon that it is different the second time, to me now its a very warm, secure, loving, mutual respect ( huge for me this time around!) great company, laughs, similarities, like interests- Like Bethie said the first time it was gaga type love. We were young thought all we needed was the physical , we look cute together kinda love.
Second time you think a bit more w/ your head and not w/hormones.

Its also much easier to talk out disagreements and compromise.
Beleive me it took me a while to let down my walls, I was skeptical but my B was patient knowing what I had been thru , he had too but 20 yrs earlier. It takes time for sure, and we are for sure more aware.


Thats what I have found anyway

Good luck w/ the interview!

[VJ39]

Thanks everyone...it does make a lot of sense.

I guess a lot of my hesitation comes because this guy (I guess I could call him BF for boyfriend, but I hesitate to call him my boyfriend. But guy-that-I-have-been-dating-steadily-for-almost-six-months is just to long to type!) Anyhow, BF (wow!) is much more ready to jump into this than I am. He was divorced from his first wife 10 years ago, and has always been on good terms with her. He has very honestly told me that their divorce was mostly his fault, he was drinking too much and let her down when their kids were babies. (No drinking at all anymore, not a continuing problem) But his second divorce just happened a year ago, although they split a year before it was final. So he has been single two years. His 2nd XW was cheating, so we have that in common!

Anyhow, he is very ready to commit, although he is not pushing. He says he has never felt like this before(?? two marriages) I have to wonder if maybe he is the type of person who jumps very quickly. I just can't imagine coming out of a second D and being ready to commit to someone. It has taken me almost three years to be comfortable dating! And as you can see, I'm not altogether there...

So I have a few of these little warning signs going on that I don't want to ignore, but I also know I am getting cold feet and it would be very easy for me to let this go and return to my safe little comfort zone of focusing only on the kids.

I think my interview went well today...I'm saying a constant prayer in my head and I will let you know if I have any good news!

VJ

[ALL6785]

VJ
Hey, Dating is supposed to be fun. So... have fun! Just tell BF that you want to take it slow and enjoy the time that you have to spend together. If this is meant to be he will understand and things will all fall in place.