I don't know if maybe you have already said this somewhere, if you have I have missed it. But I have a question for you...do you have other addiction issues? (spending, smoking, drugs, gambling, gaming, porn, romance novels, excessive caffiene, eating, sugar, etc - there are too many possible addictions to list)
If you don't want to be specific, there is no need. I am just curious about this because I (being an ex-cheater) do have addiction issues as well. I won't bother being specific about my other addiction issues here on the board, but I can say that I am only a tiny bit affected by some kind of overall addiction thing...seems to be hereditary as both sides of my family are riddled with addicted people, most of them fairly mild cases. I have never gone over the deep end on any addiction and I have given them up when I chose to, but it is something I know I have within myself and will always have to be a watchdog to myself. As I said, I am apparently a mild case as I do not have some kind of big battle going on about it in my life.
I also know that the feeling of infidelity love and the OM is definitely an addiction (for some of us) and not "real". Being that I have an addiction thing, I know what it feels like and can now discern the difference between a *real* feeling of joy, and an *addicted* feeling of joy. I couldn't tell this difference, or didn't want to, for a long time.
So if you don't have addiction tendancies, then this post isn't for you and I apologize for hi-jacking. For anyone else - this could potentially be useful if you have a WAW or MLC or anything...
I think possibly those of us with an addiction thing may be more susceptible to infidelity, simply because it is a form of sex addiction, if you really think about it.
In my case, I have found that addiction can lie dormant for years and years and then pop up in an area I've never had trouble with before. So for myself, I had to learn how to know the feeling - immediately - of anything that is an addictive substance to me.
Now I am in a great relationship with the man of my dreams. We have a great sex life and now I KNOW within myself, that I will never cheat...and here is why...
I am addicted to my fiance! But much to my suprise, you *can* channel your addiction into *positive* outlets and you will still get the great high from it! It is similar to people who are addicted to running, or to their faith or meditation or yoga. You CAN get a healthy high from a healthy substance. My fiance is the healthiest substance ever, yum yum! (hee hee)
In fact, I will go so far as to say, that I am a sex addict too, except that I only have sex with my fiance, and my loyalty is soooooo undivided to him, that it is actually part of my addiction. It is "sex with HIM and only him" that I am addicted to, not just "sex".
Why in the world would I ever stray! (lucky me)
Now that I have been through a whole lotta crud in my life (divorce, tragedies, etc), I really do know what feels like what, if that makes any sense. I thought I was defective to the extent that maybe I just couldn't be faithful, at one low point of my marriage. Now I know that was not true. I was just too IMMATURE at that time to fully committ. I would rather get *high* or avoid true intimacy somehow, at that time. It was not because I am defective - I do definitely have the ability to be 100% faithful, and I couldn't be happier now. I just had to grow up a whole lot and experience a lot of pain before I finally "got it".
As for the transparency plan, or the issue of you being your own gatekeeper...I will share something that has helped me...
I am extremely spiritual, but not religious. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone (either Christian or athiest)...
In my beliefs, all my thoughts are *heard*. You can say that God hears my thoughts, or you could imagine that it is a higher-self of mine that hears them. I actually don't really know who or what to call the It that hears my thoughts, so I don't name It. But anyway...this is all I need to remember if I ever feel "weak"...because my thoughts ARE heard, that means that any thought I am having (temptation) that is going to get me in trouble is already out there for my Creator to know about! Who is higher than that?? The biggest penalty of all is not from the outside people you may harm with your actions, but from WITHIN you, where you will either do the right thing by your beautiful Creator and his creatures, or you will do the wrong thing and be exposed to him/it right there in your own mind.
You - always - are your own judge. And you - DO know your every thought and deed. If you always do the right thing, then you have nothing to worry about. If you do not do the right thing, it is only you who will suffer in the ultimate end (and I am not talking about punishment here, as it might seem).
So them's my thoughts...sorry for hi-jacking - hopefully any of it was helpful or made sense.
