I was referring to the Intimacy Dilemma discussed on pages 55-62 of The Sex-Starved Marriage, which Michele labels "The Catch 22" further down the page. THIS section describes one of the single most important ideas that your wife needs to understand about you, her husband: it is the key necessary for her to understand what you have been feeling and going through, and if she loves you, it will give her the additional motivation needed to help fix the problem between you. Here is my (well worn) take on it:
The Marriage Catch-22: Women, in general, require an emotional connection before they feel the desire for a physical connection. That is, for a woman, emotional intimacy is the pathway to physical intimacy. On the other hand, Men, in general, require a physical connection before they feel the desire for an emotional connection. That is, for a man, physical intimacy is the pathway to emotional intimacy.
This highly reciprocal relationship between husband and wife is wonderful when it works, but is also extremely delicate. Because intimacy (in either form) is often the first thing to go when there is trouble in a marriage, it is all too easy to break this cycle, such that neither partner gets what they need to feel intimate and close to each other.
To husbands, it often seems like their wives spell intimacy T-A-L-K, and completely miss the importance of meeting this vital need if they want their wives to connect with them physically. Men need to understand that their wives will be there for them physically if they follow the correct pathway. Emotional closeness and intimacy are the primary means by which your wife expresses her love for you and feels loved herself: meet that need and she will give you the physical closeness that you desire.
To wives, it often seems like their husbands spell intimacy S-E-X, and completely miss the importance of meeting this vital need if they want their husbands to connect with them emotionally. Women need to understand that their husbands will be there for them emotionally if they follow the correct pathway. Physical closeness and intimacy are the primary means by which your husband expresses his love for you and feels loved himself: meet that need and he will give you the emotional closeness that you desire.
It is particularly easy for Women to assume that Men are just being shallow and animalistic in this need, and there are certainly plenty of young men out there, who haven't yet realized their own emotional depth, to support this misconception. However, for the mature man, the man who is in love with his wife, the connection between physical and emotional intimacy is the key to his ability to feel his love for you and your love for him. This male 'reverse-wiring' may seem alien to Women, since they generally need to feel their love first, with physical intimacy as a nice 'icing on the cake' to follow, but the wife who truly understands her husband's pathway will be able to go a long way toward ensuring that they both get the love and intimacy that they desire.
This is the point that you want to get across to her, more than anything else in that book -- in my opinion. It certainly made a HUGE impact on my own recovering marriage: Kudos to Michele again.
Best regards,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
