1) Maintain a strong emotional connection with her throughout the day: not sexual, just close. Someone once wrote (in one of my many books) that foreplay begins that morning, not at 11 PM that night.
I'm not always good at this, I know. I try.
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(2) That evening, try giving her an early warning as to what you have in mind for later. Get her thinking about it and considering it. NOTE: I have had mixed results with this one -- sometimes it worked, and sometimes you could watch the pressure between us just build as the evening went on.
Me, too. There was a time when I thought I was rushing her and she just needed more time to "get in the mood." And sometimes, that works--it's like she thinks about it all day, and eventually the thought is arousing. But maybe I overdid it or something, because generally if I say something suggestive about later, she does her sigh routine and tells me flat out right then that she'll be too tired later. It's OK for me to give her time to get in the mood, but she often won't give herself the time.
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(3) Be patient when you ask her, and recognize that it takes more than just a wink and a seductive smile for most women. STAY COOL, and give her time to consider.
That's a relief; I don't think I could pull off a seductive smile if I had a gun to my head. I'm not much better at being patient, but I know I have to make it happen.
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(4) Offer her a good massage as a precursor. We have found that gentle physical touch and doing something that allows my wife to *relax* is a great way to get the old crock-pot simmering. You can try the no-strings-attached approach to the massage, but you need to be very prepared if *nothing* happens beyond a thank-you.
I do give "no-strings" massages. I'm not saying that has never led to sex, but I will say I can't remember it ever happening. The only time massages lead to sex is when she's already clearly in the mood (she has a pretty good seductive smile when she feels like showing it.)
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(5) Get your wife to adopt the Just Do It! approach -- it really does work, and for the reasons that I've stated above. Again, this just about *requires* that she understand how vital the physical connection is for YOU, the man. Many women just don't get it, and therefore don't understand the depth of the hurt they cause with their rejections. It's just sex, right? Wrong.....
That's the trick. We've talked about this idea many times in the past. I didn't have a name for it, but I reasoned for myself that since she enjoys sex so much once it starts, we should be starting more often. I told her that if she would agree to give me a certain amount of time--say 3-5 minutes--to try to stimulate her, then she could decide at the end of that time whether she wanted me to stop or not. I was confident that she would usually not want to stop once the "seal was broken" as it were. I guess she thought so, too, because she never let me try it.
