so it seems that h and I settled custody and some of the financials. divorce will still take months. in a way I'm releaved because at least things are in stone and he can't pull his games on me anymore.
however, I'm feeling grief. I KNOW that he has acted horrendously and aside from the affair, which is bad enough, I still love him, if you can believe it. I'm wondering if I should db (for me) but also to try and unite our family. I don't want to give up. I know he's been horrible and horrendous, but he is still my husband and I truly feel he is in the "affair fog". I think I could forgive it, believe it or not.
I just miss my family as a united unit. I know I sound crazy, but I hoping for one last shot if you can believe it. I KNOW I should "move on" , but it's only been 3 and 1/2 months since initial bomb!! And he finally admitted to me today (I know he wasn't lying) that he would still be with me if OW didn't come along. I can't help but think when the fariy dust settles on that relationship, that maybe he'll "wake up". I"m here. We have a history, a child. that has to mean something when he does finally wake up.
so confused and hurt. does this pain stop?? ever?? I know you will all tell me yes, but if you would have told me 5 months ago this is where we'd be at, I would have told you you were crazy.
yes, there were things wrong, but nothing that wasn't fixable!! He even admitted that today. I guess OW is the better choice for him right now.
No one is telling you to quit or to give up on your marriage.
This is a site about SAVING marriages, not ending them.
I think we are all pointing out that he is not a very nice human being right now. You miss the good man that he once was. And yes, there is a chance that he will be that man again. There is also a chance he will not.
As long as your heart tells you to stand for your marriage, you owe it to yourself to follow your heart. Just don't allow the love that you still have and the good memories that you still hold allow him to bring unnecessary pain to YOU right now.
Some might say that this is where the real DB'ing begins.
Time to re-read the books, maybe consult with one of the DB coaches. Time to find out how best to work in the direction of healing the rift and allowing for the chance of reconciliation.
As long as he is in selfish mode, involved in an affair, you should have nothing to do with him except for issues that involve finances or your child. One of the first boundaries of sorts that you set is to protect YOUR heart and mental well being by insisting that as long as he has HER, he cannot have YOU.
And the time alone is a great opportunity for you to figure out what YOU need to do for YOU and your child in the immediate future.
Don't sit around waiting. Waiting is life passing you by. Time to live YOUR life while your husband goes through this madness.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Amazing how we feel a lot of the same things. I think I might take W back or at least try if she suddenly came to her senses. Her PA was a bit closer (well I think it happened earlier) but I think I could possibly get past it. I don't know if you've followed my sitch but I "cheated" on her the other day and it didn't feel good once it was over. I only had thoughts of my W once the OW was gone. Don't know why I did it but it happened and I realized I still want my W.
I know what you mean about the "affair fog". I really want to wait a few weeks, months and see where she's at. Its so hard though. Unlike you, I have D almost full time. W needed space from more than just me, obviously. I'm hoping for just one more shot too though.
Bworl's advice is dead on. Focus on you right now and not what he's doing. Take care.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I am running a little late this am, but I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing.
It takes time, this whole thing, you will move on, I just don't have a time line for you. We are all different, heal at different stages. I just met someone who is divorced for over two years and to me he is really not over the whole thing, we are trying helping each other thru this mess. So just hang on, what you are feeling is all part of the process of healing you.
I will check in later on tonight
hugs bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I tried to GAL today. went and saw sex and the city. for some reason I cried through the whole thing. I know I should be happy because I have d back (as of friday), but I'm mourning my marriage. as pathetic as that sounds, I'm really sad.
I'm also scared. I didn't realize how much I relied on h. I have basically been a stay at home mom for past year and a half. I am lucky that I found a job working from home (it's based in nyc) and h will pay morgage for next 6 months, etc, but I'm still really scared. I've never really been on my own.
MA- listen to what everyone is saying here. Everyone on here wants to SAVE their marriage. you have every right to mourn what happen, and every right to be scared. You can look at this as the chance to remake yourself...and rebuild your life around what YOU want it to be. All you have to do is want it.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
MA, I also cried thru Sex In The City! I loved the series, but have to say the movie was not one for anyone having M trouble.
My girlfriend and I went with her 72 year young monther. It was the mom's idea! I looked forward to it as a positive GAL experience, but it was sooooo depressing. After we dropped mom off my GF apologized to me and said "well that certainly wasn't what you needed." We skipped going anywhere else and went back to her house and finnished a bottle of wine!
Maybe movies should have happiness/sadness ratings?
Hang in there girl. Keep breathing. I Will pray for you.
Last edited by 1hope; 06/18/0812:08 AM.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
still feeling a bit sad. slept ok last night. this morning I took some solid action regarding school and settlement issues (financial _ with h and my lawyer.
It feels better when I take action. I think that is key. I tend to procrastionate and this situation is forcing me to take action. I have to for me and d.
I just hate not knowing what the future holds. I know this is a site to save your marriage, but as you know from my past threads, h really has shown himself and I truly believe he will never come back. I have to accept this. I also think that is a part of db'ing. GAL, PMA, action, etc. He has turned into someone I don't know (but kind of knew over the years that he was capable of if you want to know the truth).
I overlooked a lot of red flags in the marriage. Little lies he told me (not affair-related), just little lies to "keep me quiet" as he put it. I accepted crumbs from him for a long time. I KNOW I wasn't happy, esp. last fall. He just wasn't there for me emotionally and frankly never really has been (except for initial part of relationship).
I started db'ing because I so much wanted to save our family unit. I thought (still think in a way) that I can't make it on my own. I need help with this. I have a great therapist and hopefully, this time next year I will be in a much different place.
I think what I am mourning is not HIM, but US as a family. That is what is heartbreaking for me. How quickly he seems to have moved on with OW and his attitude toward me now, like he can't get rid of me fast enough. Unfortunately for him we have a child together so in ain't that easy, so to speak.
At least the custody thing is settled. Huge relief. I've never really been on my own and it's scary.
