Spent today in the yard. Had to clean up from some of the recent storms.
Found my mind wandering. Theres a surprise. We've all been here. Looking back. Remembering what was. It's amazing sometimes. I try not to think about it but sometimes you just can't seem to stop.
I remember the smell of her hair. The sound of her voice in a whisper. The small of her back when I pulled her close. The shape of her eyes when she smiled. I can remember the size of her hand when she held mine. How she held her cup of coffee.
I can hear her voice just before she fell asleep and again when she woke up. The excitement in her eyes when I would pick her up for a date.
Some people ask me, "were you in love with her or the Idea of being in love". Well, it's been a while and these things are still crystal clear. I can close my eyes and see so many things about her. I have to say, it was a true love for me.
I'm sure everyone here can say the same. I just wanted to post it. The more I try and forget these things, put them behind me to move on, the stronger they seem to be. The more they seem to haunt me.
I know there is no majic words or pills to take this away. And I am G.A.L.ing. But these feelings for her were so deep. I know I had walls up when I first met her. Coming out of my divorce, I had walls. Always had the feelings, but didn't always let them be known...for fear I guess.
I've been on a lot of emergency scenes. Seen things so tradgic but always held it together. I look for that strength in me now, FOR ME, and it feels like it is hardly there. (still spot on at emergency scenes so at least my pts. are getting the best)
Today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Eventually one of these days has to be better.
