Les Parrott is phenominal. I was not classified as a full blown control freak , but someone with controlling tendencies. Not only does this book teach you to figure out the why, but to identify when your controlling tendencies are coming so that you can use relaxation techniques that you may not have known of before.
The Dance of Fear did very well when I discovered my controlling was caused by fear. It helped me to learn to deal with the fear, and not feel it so much anymore.
They are both really great books.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'll check out that book. Thanks for the suggestion.
Jon, my church is big on Celebrate Recovery, but I thought it was for addicts (alcohol or drugs??)? Am I wrong?
I'm not being optimistic at this moment. I feel like I've been given so many chances by my h, that by now, rightfully so, he's fed up and moved on.
It hurts.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
My h gets a newsletter from the police dept. In this last issue, there was a little picture of praying hands with the caption that said, "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is". I cut it out and put it on the fridge.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Jon, my church is big on Celebrate Recovery, but I thought it was for addicts (alcohol or drugs??)? Am I wrong?
That's great! The addict question is a common misconception. Actually the first thing you learn in CR is that drugs, alcohol, etc. are never the problem. They are coping mechanisms for pain that you haven't dealt with. There are far more people struggling with control (anger, etc.) at CR than drugs and alcohol, because control is a deeper addiction.
I was skeptical at first, that these 12 steps, taking the personal inventory and dealing with all of this stuff in my past would actually make a difference. And on top of that, how can I convince my wife that I've changed? Sister-in-law and her boyfriend are also in CR, but W still doesn't buy it. She wants to stay judgmental.
Of course, she's heard a lot of junk from me before, and thinks this is just another program. I guess that's one good thing about this stupid separation, I wasn't desperate enough to take steps like this before.
Why not give it a try? I think you'll be surprised. And it's the only place I've found at church where I can talk about separation and divorce and not feel embarrassed.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I just ordered to book Control Freak. It'll take 3-4 days to get here. Can't wait.
Last edited by ms ladybug; 06/16/0810:44 PM.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Sounds like you handled yourself with dignity through what must have been a very difficult fathers day. I know I had ahard time with mothers day and my W, putting a lot of thought an dlove into it getting little in return...I did stick to my DB pretty well as it sounds like you did as well.
I wouldn't make a deal about the tickets to the movie...it could only push him futher away. It is also very deniable, he could say he paid for the tickets because his male budy was short on cash etc....
It is painful, and I know it feels like a no win situation. The only weapon you have is to be a better you for you and your children. At the end of th day this will likely win out.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I feel like I've been given so many chances by my h, that by now, rightfully so, he's fed up and moved on. .
funny, I see it the other way, that you are the one who's been giving him many chances. He's fed up with what? that you won't bow down to his wishes and do as you are told? what chances has he been giving you? telling you you are sick in the head, to just move to TN without saying peep and like it? Sorry, those are no chances, those are threats/insults.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
OK, So Dom was nagging at me (yes, it was nagging) to buy the Five Languages of Apology. So, I did. I read half of it last night and feel compelled to apologize to husband. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down what HIS gripes about me were:
Betrayed trust - making promises and not keeping them. Lack of respect My need to be in control (that's a tough one to give up!) My pride - I don't apologize EVER unless asked to.
There is my list. Here is my rough draft for an email to h:
H, I want you to know that I’m writing this with no expectations. I don’t expect you to respond.
I’m coming to terms with a lot of things…things that I take responsibility for. A large part of this stemming from my pride. So, the first thing I want to do is apologize. I’m sorry. I betrayed your trust and I didn’t show you respect. You deserved none of that. Respect is unconditional, and I put conditions on it. That was unfair to do to you. I made promises to you that I didn’t keep, completely obliterating my integrity. I am so sorry.
For some reason, I needed to be in control, and I needed to be right. You’re right, look where it got me. I’ve stripped away my pride, and come to the humble place where I accept that I’m no longer in the driver’s seat (not easy for me). But, God is at the wheel, and I simply have to enjoy the ride.
I have had a hand in destroying our family and hurt our kids more than they know right now. I will live with that for the rest of my life. Right now, when s2 wakes up at night, he cries for Daddy. d4 told me just last night when we were talking about who we love, that she loves Daddy and wants him to come home. She has an idea in her head that when she turns 5, you’ll move back in. I deal with these daily, but the long term affects are what scares me.
I was recently asked, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" I’m done being “right”, now I just want to be happy.
Again, thank you for having loved me, and thank you for your willingness to die for me. I hope that you can accept my apology, even if it’s not in you to forgive me.
Any suggestions? PLEASE! I'm not liking it yet.
And, again cat03 and Kerry, I don't relieve him of his responsibilites and the horrific hurt that he's caused me and the kids. But, it's still on ME to apologize for my things. He can stew in his if that's what he chooses.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
"I will live with that for the rest of my life. Right now, when s2 wakes up at night, he cries for Daddy. d4 told me just last night when we were talking about who we love, that she loves Daddy and wants him to come home. She has an idea in her head that when she turns 5, you’ll move back in. I deal with these daily, but the long term affects are what scares me.
I was recently asked, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" I’m done being “right”, now I just want to be happy."
For the first part, tugging on his heart strings, kid stories, etc. won't work right now. The last sentence, he won't believe you. Your actions will show him that you're done being right.
Just IMO, everything else is good.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
You're right. I'll cut out the kid part. Leave it to an apology letter, since that was my intention.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
