The Bumpy Road to Recovery

[Bagheera]

Here's what I see making it so hard: there's yet another Catch-22 here. Michele talks about "taking your spouse at face value." To me, that means you shouldn't be playing mind games, and in particular, you shouldn't be trying to outfox or outguess your wife--you are to assume that she's being honest and give her what she says she wants.

There's something important to keep in mind here, something that is hard for us mere men to understand. That is: women "warm up" to sex gradually (in most instances), not instantly, like a man. The old "Men are like microwaves and Women are like crock-pots" analogy isn't a bad one.

So when you ask your wife if she "wants to go upstairs," she may literally be sitting there thinking: "Hmmm..*that* hasn't even crossed my mind today. Do I? I'm not really sure."

Meanwhile, you're sitting there thinking: "What the heck! It's a simple Yes / No question....dammit...she's getting ready to turn me down again!"

And if you get flustered, show irritation or resigned-rejection on your face, you've pretty much blown it: she'll take one look at you being rather un-loving and un-seductive and decide that she'd rather not.

Here's a few things you can do that *may* help:

(1) Maintain a strong emotional connection with her throughout the day: not sexual, just close. Someone once wrote (in one of my many books) that foreplay begins that morning, not at 11 PM that night.

(2) That evening, try giving her an early warning as to what you have in mind for later. Get her thinking about it and considering it. NOTE: I have had mixed results with this one -- sometimes it worked, and sometimes you could watch the pressure between us just build as the evening went on.

(3) Be patient when you ask her, and recognize that it takes more than just a wink and a seductive smile for most women. STAY COOL, and give her time to consider.

(4) Offer her a good massage as a precursor. We have found that gentle physical touch and doing something that allows my wife to *relax* is a great way to get the old crock-pot simmering. You can try the no-strings-attached approach to the massage, but you need to be very prepared if *nothing* happens beyond a thank-you.

(5) Get your wife to adopt the Just Do It! approach -- it really does work, and for the reasons that I've stated above. Again, this just about *requires* that she understand how vital the physical connection is for YOU, the man. Many women just don't get it, and therefore don't understand the depth of the hurt they cause with their rejections. It's just sex, right? Wrong.....

If your wife is acting reluctant or unsure, but has not given you a very clear "No" or "Not tonight," then in essence, she's asking you to convince her, to do more, to help her fan the ember a bit. It's not a mind-game or anything, it's an honest expression of how she's really feeling -- which is what you asked for in your post.

Welcome to Gender Differences 202!

Bagheera