ms ladybug SQUISHED!

[ms ladybug]

OK, So Dom was nagging at me (yes, it was nagging) to buy the Five Languages of Apology. So, I did. I read half of it last night and feel compelled to apologize to husband. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down what HIS gripes about me were:

Betrayed trust - making promises and not keeping them.
Lack of respect
My need to be in control (that's a tough one to give up!)
My pride - I don't apologize EVER unless asked to.

There is my list. Here is my rough draft for an email to h:

H,
I want you to know that I’m writing this with no expectations. I don’t expect you to respond.

I’m coming to terms with a lot of things…things that I take responsibility for. A large part of this stemming from my pride. So, the first thing I want to do is apologize. I’m sorry. I betrayed your trust and I didn’t show you respect. You deserved none of that. Respect is unconditional, and I put conditions on it. That was unfair to do to you. I made promises to you that I didn’t keep, completely obliterating my integrity. I am so sorry.

For some reason, I needed to be in control, and I needed to be right. You’re right, look where it got me. I’ve stripped away my pride, and come to the humble place where I accept that I’m no longer in the driver’s seat (not easy for me). But, God is at the wheel, and I simply have to enjoy the ride.

I have had a hand in destroying our family and hurt our kids more than they know right now. I will live with that for the rest of my life. Right now, when s2 wakes up at night, he cries for Daddy. d4 told me just last night when we were talking about who we love, that she loves Daddy and wants him to come home. She has an idea in her head that when she turns 5, you’ll move back in. I deal with these daily, but the long term affects are what scares me.

I was recently asked, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" I’m done being “right”, now I just want to be happy.

Again, thank you for having loved me, and thank you for your willingness to die for me. I hope that you can accept my apology, even if it’s not in you to forgive me.



Any suggestions? PLEASE! I'm not liking it yet.

And, again cat03 and Kerry, I don't relieve him of his responsibilites and the horrific hurt that he's caused me and the kids. But, it's still on ME to apologize for my things. He can stew in his if that's what he chooses.