I was very unhappy in my M for quite a few years and my H and I grew apart. My H had the A, not me, because he thought I did not love him anymore. I didn't know about the A until he told me about it and it had been going on for 18 months at the time.
My unhappiness manifested itself in many ways....withdrawing from the family, talking to friends about things rather than my H, massive amounts of retail therapy....you name it and I pretty much tried it, apart from an A, and NONE of it made me happy. I think I was having a MLC of some kind. Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to live my life in misery and after several attempts with different Cs and different types of Cs I eventually found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and a good therapist.
I tried therapists before who just wanted to go over past issues and some things to do with Family of Origin, (FOO), and these people did nothing for me- apart from insult my intelligence- I felt. Just going over the same old same old didn't help things move on.
Cognitive therapy, in a very simplistic form, helps you look at how you view things and process them and whether you process them in a reasonable, healthy way or whether you could approach them differently. I found it amazing. There are many books out there on this subject area - Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, and Learned Optimism by the same guy are just two that come to mind - but you do really need to go to a therapist also to help you back up what you read, and to explain things more fully.
It took me three attempts before I would open up and be completely honest with my therapist - I just find that kind of thing hard, but it saved my M. I saw some of the reasons I was unhappy, I realised the only person who could change those things was me. After some months of therapy I wrote my H an email explaining to him how I had felt and how I was changing and what my hopes were for our M and our future. It was at that point he told me about the A, stopped the A, and we worked on our M.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not some person, as Sara will vouch,who is happy all the time...I still have some pretty big lows, but I can reason my way through things a whole lot better andI will go back for 'tune ups' with my therapist. I no longer have to take ADs or medication for panic attacks etc.
I have to agree with many of the others on here that your attitude to OM and coming clean to your H about contact etc doesn't feel like you are really looking at putting 100% into your M. I had to reach rock bottom before I could seek help and then hope to work on my M again - I don't think you have reached that point - but hang around with OM enough and he will probably help you get there(-his propping up of you will only be temporary -), or you could just try fixing things by yourself and cut OM out of the equation.
One thing my H has said repeatedly since ending his A is that he now realises the A didn't help in any way; infact it made things worse as it added extra stresses to what was already a stressful situation.
Whatever you decide.....good luck.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
