Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

I know, I know....I was doing so well up until that point. And I did try to stop. You are so right!
I am basically back to how I was before, when he called today, I was right back like it had never happened. Was light and told him "not a big deal", basically. I am having a ball with this wedding and, even though I know it will be emotional, it feels different for some reason. Happy, not sad. And that is exactly what I am going to do - exactly like you said MP! My sister and friends have given the same advice - it will be so much better to have a great time and enjoy my S and the wedding.
I feel really good about things right now. I know how that goes, the roller coaster of the ups and downs, but the ups are more frequent now and the downs aren't so far. Thanks to all of you!

[Tink]

P.S. If you meant Why Men Marry Bitches, from what you've told me, the SW and SM book and board will help so much more right now than WMMB. So put that one down for now.

But I hope you make time for them because I see where they can really really put things in a good place soon.

Tink

[Rusty]

I have been reading so many books at the same time,but I agree that as soon as I get the SW book it will be the priority. I read some of the reviews on barnesandnoble.com and they were divided, but I would do anything at this point. And it sounds like it has alot to do with control issues, which are my issues. I am also reading some religious based books - "God's Master Plan for your Life", etc. because I believe so much that God has brought me to this place for a very specific reason - mostly being for me to become the person He has meant for me to be. And SW sounds right up that alley.
Tink, thanks so much for hanging with me through all this - your advice and this board have become invaluable to me!

[Tink]

Hi Rusty,

Good! I'm glad I can help. You sound like you are in a good place, and the book you chose sounds like it's great!

Meanwhile, until the SW book comes in, go on the free SW Yahoo group to get started. They have a free quiz you can take called something like: What kind of wife are you?

First you need to have a yahoo.com email address. It's free, just click sign up. Once you fill that out and get it, then click on groups and do a search for it, it's called strongermarriages.

Tink

[Rusty]

Hey - thanks - I will do that! I already do yahoo, so it should be easy.
I'm really at a place where I don't even know if I want this M anymore or H. I'm actually starting to believe that I am better off and with the amount of time we have been separate, even since we "dated", maybe it won't ever come back or work how it is meant to work.
Anyway, just a thought and I noticed on another thread someone feeling the same way. Is this a stage or am I really starting to detach completely?

[Tink]

Hi my guess is that it's a relief from the pain. It could be hard to go back into that after feeling the relief. But I think the things I suggested will help you understand where he was coming from more and your part in contributing to that.

Tink

[MP53]

Detaching is part of the process, Rusty, and it will come and go. Some days you will feel more detached from him than others. As time goes by, you will find yourself in less pain.

maybe it won't ever come back or work how it is meant to work.

Well, the relationship won't go back to what it was, it cannot, but it could become something better. Something new again.

Glad you're feeling less desperate.

[Rusty]

I totally get the "relief from the pain". I don't think I could have gone on much longer feeling the way I did. And, I get what all I did to get us here - I really blame myself almost completely for this, when in the beginning I couldn't see it. I always felt that it shouldn't matter - "for better or for worse", blah, blah, blah. Now I understand and am getting more in touch with that part of my person and it has been both depressing and rejuvenating. Depressing because I should have known all of this a long time ago, and rejuvenating because I know now and have made alot of the changes to become the person I was meant to be.
The thing that has made me realize it may never be the way it should be is, I don't see any growth or change within him. Case in point, the extreme anger on Sunday. He can't get past all the anger he has for me (and honestly, his family history). So I don't hold out alot of hope for that.
But at least I am feeling more confident and positive and know that, with or without H, I will have a totally new relationship with someone someday.

[Tink]

Hi well what I meant was there are thing you are still doing now, like seeing him as a child and your lack of respect for him that has less to do with anything he has done wrong and more to do with a certain outlook that gets women into trouble with their R. At the risk of repeating myself, if you check out the two suggestions, it will explain.

Tink

[Rusty]

Well I have finally somewhat recovered from the wedding on Saturday. It was unbelievably beautiful - if I do say so myself. If anyone wants to see the pictures - they are on http://www.bankspix.com, go to gallery and it is Zach and Courtney in the wedding catagory. I am in the next to last shot dancing with my son. It was an amazing weekend and, if I do say so myself, I did soooooo well. I was gracious and wonderful to my in-laws (who I don't care for) and absolutely fabulous to my H. I spoke to him when need be and was friendly and nice. I didn't pursue or even look for him. He ended up looking for me throughout the night and even found me at one point and said he was looking for me, there had been several songs he wanted to dance with me to and he couldn't find me. We did dance twice and he then wanted to have a conversation to find out what had changed so much for me in the past couple of weeks. That I seemed happy and content, that I must have someone new in my life, etc. I never gave him a straight answer, just told him I had come to peace with it all and wanted to be friends. Was tired of the animosity and fighting and really just wanted to exist in a friendly way with him. It was very late, so I said I needed to go up to my room and get some sleep, so I ended the conversation.
I did have several people ask me if he was gay - which was weird - but the way he only danced with the groomsmen and the WAY he danced with them - made alot of people wonder. That made me wonder, so I guess I am just going to move on and assume he has some issues I don't know about and GAL of my own permanently without him. It is a very weird dynamic now.