That's when I'd add things like.... "Yes... actually I do. I can't say it doesn't hurt to have my family torn apart, and I wouldn't prefer having my family together.... but I did marry you, we have a child together, and a history...so I do care about you. I do want you to be happy and if being with her makes you happy then that's what you need to do...."
Saying stuff like that used to shock my husband. I think he was surprised by my selflessness and the fact that I could care enough about him and our history to want him to have what would make him happy.
Also, if he wasn't happy with me, then why would I want to be with him?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I do want you to be happy and if being with her makes you happy then that's what you need to do...."
...and I have added, "In order to continue to be a great father, you need to be happy and healthy. Its hard that your place isn't with me anymore, but I still want you happy, wherever you land"
H would always get very very quiet when I said this.
When I said "I wish you well" last summer, I didn't mean it, and he could tell. It took me awhile to get there, and I can say with honesty that I mean it when I say it. Remember, though, as far as I know, I am not sending my H into the arms of OW. That is so much harder....
Oh there's definitely that part of you that hopes the whole thing blows up and that OW shows her true colors and turns into the wicked witch that she really is. (Oh yeah!), but gosh!!! I was determined to be the better person, stay on the "high road" be unselfish and wish that someone I had loved dearly was happy in their life.
This did not mean that I was not determined to find my own happiness. I eventually learned (after a lot of pain) that I would in time find happiness with or without him. Life is short, and as far as we know we only have this one shot, so I might as well make the most of it....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oh there's definitely that part of you that hopes the whole thing blows up and that OW shows her true colors and turns into the wicked witch that she really is.
Umm... not just "part" of me hopes this...
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
This did not mean that I was not determined to find my own happiness. I eventually learned (after a lot of pain) that I would in time find happiness with or without him.
I know this is true. It's just hard to realize some days.
Especially, when my stbx continues to get back on the fence of indecision every one in a while. He always goes back to ow but for some reason it catches something in my heart.. even though I KNOW what the outcome will be... How do I completely detach from that??
He has even mentioned the possibility of us "dating" again after the D is final.. Do people really do that?? What is the thought process there?? Do people really go out and play the field only to discover the best thing they had going for them was right in their own backyard and expect that the X will be there waiting for them?? I just can't imagine saying "Ok, let's date after we're D'd"... What's the point of d'ing then??
My H has always said "We can see what happens after the D. We should never close our door". Um, ok.
People do really do that. Go peek at "Divorced But Not Done". Find startingover's thread. Its amazing. It seems very confusing to me, the getting back together after the D, to have all that hurt and pain, and then try again. Why not do the work now? I suppose your H (and many) aren't in a place now to see it, much less want to work on anything.
He has even mentioned the possibility of us "dating" again after the D is final.. Do people really do that?? What is the thought process there?? Do people really go out and play the field only to discover the best thing they had going for them was right in their own backyard and expect that the X will be there waiting for them?? I just can't imagine saying "Ok, let's date after we're D'd"... What's the point of d'ing then??
I can't imagine that either. I think after we get divorced it will be over for me.
I do know my gf had lived with someone for several years, he cheated, and they broke up (I think it was mutual). He called her after a year or so, and wanted to date her again b/c he found out there weren't millions of girls out there like my gf, but she was really special. I guess they think the grass will be greener, and then find out that's not true. But by then my gf had met and was going to marry her H, who is a wonderful guy, they've had 2 girls, etc. And I could see that happening to a lot of us here at DB, b/c we are great people, and I think our WAS don't realize that, take us for granted, etc.
Speaking about the whole happy thing, yes I want my H to be happy, but I just don't believe he will be ultimately with the OW. She's already had several marriages, of course has cheated on her last husband with my H, and many people have told me her kids are bratty and messed-up, etc. So I can honestly say I want him to be happy; I just don't believe it will be with OW (for very long anyway). Karen
