Hi everyone! It's been awhile...I'm not even sure where my old posts are anymore, so I'll just start fresh. I see some familiar names...some new ones. I hate to see anyone go through a divorce, but if we have to, I love to see everyone come through with a strong, postive attitude about the future!
OK, update on me. Nearly three years now since the D. XH and OW are married nearly two years, and communication with them is minimal. I talk to him about once a month, the kids somewhat more often, and he sees them about once every six weeks. Our relationship is still strained, and I now accept that it will most likely always be. I used to make myself crazy wondering why we couldn't reach a place of peace and friendship...now I just think the combination of how things happened means that it will take a very, very, long time, if ever, to reach that level. Also, XH won't let it happen anytime soon. He still stirs up conflict in order to hold on to anger toward me, and to justify his leaving the marriage.
But I'm good. The anger is gone, I don't feel much at all toward OW or XH anymore. I hate that my kids lost their family. I don't like that my finances have taken such a hit, and I wish I had planned better, but I like my life. I like being accountable to only God, myself, and my kids. I like not having to juggle XH's moods anymore.
I'm still looking for a better job that will ease my finaces...I pray it happens this year, because I'm about at the end of how long I can hang on with barely getting by. I want to buy some new shoes!!! I do have faith it will work out, though - it always does.
The kids are healthy and normal teenagers! My oldest S17 and I had a rough year getting along with each other, and he has talked about living with his dad, but that is fading. He is the one who refused to talk to XH for two years, so that would have been a huge change for him. I think we are back on track...he is a great almost-man, and I am proud of how well they are doing. S15 and D12 are good. Can you believe how old they are???
I guess the biggest news is that I entered the dating world again about six months ago. I met a very nice man here in town. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him - he's handsome, has a decent job, is a wonderful father to his two boys, and from the way he tells it, his two divorces (yes, two!) were not of his doing. He gets along very well with his first XW (mother of the two boys) and it tells me a lot about him as a man that they have respect for each other. She has been very friendly and warm to me.
But somehow, I am starting to hesitate. It felt very nice at first, to have someone to go out with and have someone to spend adult time with. I'm afraid I may have jumped into something and now am faced with hurting someone, because I just am not sure I'm feeling what I should be feeling in order to keep going with this relationship. I can talk myself round in circles trying to analyze this, but the bottom line is that I feel torn in too many directions, and the time spent away from home is beginning to feel like too much - I find myself more and more just wanting to have "my" time with my kids. I don't want to end something promising just because I've gotten cold feet - but I don't want to keep him hanging on if this is not going to be what he is thinking it will become.
When I wasn't dating, I was lonely and wanted to find someone. But the reality of that creates such a huge juggling act, not to mention kids who resent mom dating, and I'm just not sure it is worth it. It might be easier if my kids were younger - but they really haven't accepted him and resent any time I spend with him. Obviously, I don't want to let my kids dictate my entire life, but I don't want to create a tension-filled home either. I saw what my kids went through when XH married OW without any consideration of their feelings or thoughts on such a huge change to everyone.
I guess I just expected to be blown away like I was when I met my XH...does that still happen after all we've been through or am I being unrealistic? I never doubted for a moment with him, and it wasn't even like I had a decision to make when I married XH - it felt like it was just how it was supposed to be. I'm having trouble trusting my own feelings - maybe because I was so sure of XH and he ended up walking away? So I don't trust my own judgement anymore?
Well, that's it for now. I will gladly accept any viewpoints on this. And let me know you you guys are doing too! I'd love to hear from old friends...feel free to hijack this thread to give updates!
VJ (and yes, I realize I'm not 39 anymore...but I just can't bring myself to change my signature yet! )
I do have faith it will work out, though - it always does.