Ok, I'm going to try to update. Things have still been going pretty well.
Friday after H got off work he sent me a text to see if I wanted to come over. I was already in my pajamas and watching a movie with my mother so I asked for a rain check so we made plans for Saturday.
His mother came into town on Saturday...H had to work and she knew that...but I guess she thought he would be able to go to lunch with her. Well, he wasn't able to go to lunch so I ended up entertaining her for most of the day. Just as she was about to leave H got off work so we all went to dinner. While we were eating H said a few things that triggered those thoughts of OW. Unknowingly I kind of shut down. H noticed. When we got in the car he immediately asked what was wrong with me. Well, me doing the same stupid thing I always do just said "nothing". He asked me a couple more times and then finally said "well, I tried, I am not asking again."
When he was dropping me off at my car it all kind of came out. H had said something else that I had taken the wrong way and when I brought it up he told me what he had actually meant. He said "I am really trying hard here, do you really feel like I would be that big of a jerk to you?" I said "well, you have to remember what we have been through, I am a little sensitive." He said "But when is the last time I have acted that way to you?...I am trying REALLY hard to make things better." I told him I knew he was trying hard but that still didn't erase everything that had happened and it was just going to take time for me to work through all those feelings.
We worked through that mini breakdown of mine and he was VERY understanding. It wasn't long ago that if I talked about things triggering those feelings and thoughts about OW he made me feel like I was irrational and crazy. This time he actually seemed like he empathized with me. I think that was a big step for us. At one point during that conversation he said "Everything is going to work out, we will be together, we are SUPPOSED to be together". He seemed so sad that I am still hurting, and there is nothing he can do to just fix it right now. I told him that it would just take time and he said he wishes so bad that he could just erase everything he did from both of our minds.
When he talks about it now he still can't explain what was going through his mind. All he has said is that that time seemed like an out of body experience to him. He has thanked me for loving him enough to still be here when he "woke up" and being open to reconciling. This past month is the first time I have felt that he is truly sorry for what he did. We have been trying this since January and it has only seemed "right" this past month. He has finally started backing up his actions with words.
Later that night I asked him if he had talked to OW lately. He told me that he hadn't talked to her in a while but she had sent him an email the day before about Tim Russert's death. He told me he responded to her, but it wasn't really anything and he would show me both emails if I wanted. I asked him if she knew we were working on things and he said no. I asked why not and he said "The line has been drawn with her, she knows where I stand...but I feel like she would start some sh!t if she knew we were working on things. She is crazy and I wouldn't put anything past her. I will tell her if you want, but I think it would just get her started again." I told him that I would rather be the one to tell her and he didn't say anything. It was late so I dropped it and we went to sleep. I am not sure if I should pursue that or not. There is a part of me that just wants to forget about her and another part that wants her to know he is here with me trying to make our marriage work. Maybe I shouldn't give her that power over me.....but I think it is inappropriate for her to email him about anything.
