Just tried to check in on you, D - perhaps you're still writing? I'll check again later.
I too don't feel like there's much more I can do to GAL that would also be authentic and something I intend to carry on with. I work, volunteer, exercise, garden, spend time with my kids - and putting pretty much everything else before my H is one of the reasons we've ended up where we are.
Many of the things that I've done have been directed towards changing his perception that I don't care about him and I do think that's working. What's not changing is his feelings of not being 'in love' with me, which I interpret to mean that he doesn't feel any desire to be with me, doesn't miss me when I'm not around, has more fun with other people than with me, etc. This is incredibly difficult for me and I have such a hard time with the feelings of rejection and sadness. However, I went for a walk this morning and then spent some time in the garden, and have sorted out my thoughts a bit.
I'm going to say "What I meant to say yesterday was that I totally get that you're an adult and can do what you want (the work thing). You are also entitled to invite or not invite who you want."
Despite the fact (or probably because of) that we had sex this morning, he is even more distant now and rather irritable too, so I'll wait until later today to make my little speech. I'm ignoring his attitude and just being cheerful, at least on the inside.
He just left, I got a peck with closed lips. Better than nothing, I suppose.
I hadn't noticed any moderating other than no advertising and no email exchange... which, although unusual for a support board environment, I can understand on some levels.....
I've seen mods jump in when they disagree with advice dispensed, but that is comforting to me. .... Many folks come here with their lives and hearts on the line. If I say something wrong, I'm comforted to know someone will jump in because the last thing I want to do is hurt someone...
Thanks again for your time.
That's because we're here for a clear PURPOSE....to use Michele's techniques to save marriages. That's our number one goal.
If you ever would like a moderator to stop in, click NOTIFY.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I did tell my husband before he left yesterday that he is an adult that can go where he wants and invite who he wants, and that I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't do things (or that he can't tell me what he's doing - I didn't say this but wis I had) without having to worry about me crying.
He repeated that what I had said was reasonable comment and added that he hadn't felt that way and understood what I meant yesterday. He said he hadn't needed the clarification but that I probably had needed to say it.
Being able to see things from my point of view even just that little bit is quite huge, something that does not happen when he is involved with someone else. I hope we can talk about the impact of those supposedly 'not real' relationships on our very real relationship at some point. I'll have to try not to get too carried away about his seeming willingness to have actual two-way conversations all of a sudden.
My D, who survived her week in a national park where they actually still had snow on the ground and once overnight!, is waiting patiently for me to take her to the library, so I'd best do that.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I've been spending quite a bit of time in the garden (when I should be doing other things!) and that's always good, because I just think about what I'm doing and find it easy to push away other thoughts.
I'm also eating things like tons of garlic and raw onions that I avoid when my H is here Aren't ya glad we're not talking in person?
I don't think I mentioned that the morning I found the text message on his cell phone, I also said that I thought that things had gone as far as they could with only one of us trying. I immediately wanted to take it back, but didn't. He didn't say anything but seemed to be thinking about it. Some of the things he's doing seem like he's putting in a bit more effort. However, I needed something that turned out to be in his car and there seemed to be some hesitation on his part about letting me go and get it - he keeps his cell phone in the car and probably anything else he doesn't want me to see, since I'm never really in it.
I just went and got what I needed - I really wanted to look at his phone, but I didn't. Should I? Who knows?
My mother is coming for a visit this afternoon and wants to 'talk'. I imagine part of the conversation will be about how I never have time for her and my skin is crawling at the thought of it (long childhood story, condensed: emotionally needy single parent). Feeling this way about my mother has given me a glimpse into how my H might feel, because from his point of view he's been stuffing his own feelings, plans/passions (does he have any?), etc., because those conversations usually led to fights and I could be cold and distant for a REALLY long time after something like that.
Doesn't help me be more sympathetic to my mother, though, so more than insight is definitely needed. There's a big core of resentment, too, that occasionally softens when she does something that indicates that she continues to live her life and be happy regardless of how much time I spend with her.
Kind of the core of the DB/GAL approach, I guess. It would defintely work on me.
H was home briefly yesterday. At one point he was sitting in the living room watching golf and I caught myself starting to run around and tidy. This was necessary, trust me, not just me being neurotic about cleanliness. Anyway, I stopped and went to sit beside him. He was only going to be there for another hour and I thought it would be a good way to show him that I valued that time with him. H went and had a shower and while he was packing for his business trip, I walked by the bedroom door and he started telling me something, so I came in and lay on the bed while he packed.
He took his contacts. I asked him why, he said he didn't know, I asked him if he would golf, he said he might.
He knew why I was asking about the contacts - are you planning to meet someone? - and answered with a smile. I shouldn't have asked, though - it's not fair and I really hate it and have a hard time with it, but now is not the time for me to ask for reassurances. I need to be able to stand on my own and be happy no matter what he does and he needs to see me be able to do that in order to be able to really come back all the way without feeling trapped, smothered, controlled. I hope one day we'll be able to talk about all this stuff, but now is not the time.
However, asking about golf and not getting mad/hurt about him socializing AGAIN with anyone that isn't me was good - he needs to see that he can tell me about stuff and it's okay, that I really am just letting him do and be without reacting to it (too much, anyway, and mostly internally, I hope).
I remember once obsessing that he shaved before work instead of when he got home. Your mind can really do a number on you.
The urge to snoop lessens. Since I have barely no filters, I confronted on things I thought I saw. And seriously, at least once, it WASN'T there. This was not a trick for you skeptics out there, my mind saw something. I had the phone. I went to show it to him and the number was not the once I'd seen in my first glance. I also finally realized I'd only make him learn how to lie to me better by erasing the calls and messages as he ended the call. Brilliant. Not.
Anyhow, what you're doing seems to be working! You have time to figure this out. I'm glad you're gardening, it's one of my favorite ways to work things out. Nothing like getting the weeds out symbolically and literally.
Had a fabulous weekend crabbing and festival-ing. thanks for asking! I'll update my sitch from the other day after I get the laundry switched around in a few minutes. Hehe, I just know you can't wait to see how the drama unfolded. j/k
I actually can't wait to hear how things are going. Please remember, though, that this is my first foray into the online world and I'm woefully behind on what all the acronyms mean. TTYS?
j/k = joke?
My conversation with my mother turned out to be really nothing, but my strong reaction to what I thought she was going to talk about has given me something to think about. I remember once telling my H that I thought he was 'needy', by which I meant dependent on outside validation, something my mother is as well. Our value in the world depends on our actions, not the opinions of others, in my (not so humble) opinion
So, on some level his wanting to be close to my physically felt similar to my mother wanting to be close emotionally - neither of them with any regard as to what I might want or need. Maybe - seems like two different things. Perhaps it's more useful to give a glimpse of how my H feels about having to take care of my feelings, despite his own role in creating them.
I'm hoping to get some work done outside today, as the work I get paid to do is slow today. This is one thing I love about working at home - I don't have to spend my down time finding meaningless tasks at the office. When things are busy, I often don't have time for anything but work work, so it balances out. Of course, instead I'm sitting in front of this screen, pouring out my life to strangers.
Perhaps this is why Catholics are into confession - tell it all, no consequences. And you guys don't even make me say Hail Marys or whatever it is priests do.
Got the bill for H cell phone, which shows an unpaid balance from May - I guess he took that one out of the mailbox before I saw it.
This bill is from May 7 to June 4, I think, and it shows 57 text messages received and 180 sent during that month - how did he have time to do anything else? And he says that when he's involved in a EA, it doesn't affect our relationship! How can it not, when he's communicating with these people 8 times a day, at least.
He also browsed 12 websites during that time - I can just guess what they were.
I tried to access his account online, but I don't know his PIN and the one I'm familiar with doesn't work. It's not going to do any good, I know, and I'm hoping I can just put the bill beside his computer and leave it there for him to find when he gets back.
Of course, the silence could mean that he's psyching himself up to tell me again that he's leaving.
H called last night and left a message - I was on my way out the door and didn't have time to answer. His message was to everyone, 'just to say hi'.
This morning I had to call him because of S's baseball (not usually my department) and I felt really awkward talking to him. He said he was looking forward to seeing me and I said 'yah' with a little laugh, thinking about his cell phone bill sitting on his desk. He could probably tell something was wrong, but I'm hoping he chalked it up to my being upset about S not making the AAA team - not for my sake, but for his, of course.
More than anything, I need the truth. I want to spend a weekend just asking questions and getting complete, honest answers.
Can't see how this would be accomplished, even if my H agreed to it.
I'm feeling really shaky today, and not sure what I'm going to do about it. What else is new. Talking to my H made me realize how much seeing the actual volume of communication is affecting me.
I don't feel like I can make any demands until he says that he wants to recommit to our M. At that point, I can see saying, okay, now we're going to have the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and once that's done, then we can start over.
At this point, if I ask for that, it will probably push him out the door. I have moments when I feel ready for that, and the longer he's gone, the more I feel it.
The kids seem quite aware of his absence, but if he wasn't living here, they would be seeing him more often than now, when he's not even in the same city.
Maybe I can ask him what it would take for HIM to feel as though he's getting a 'fresh start', which is one of his reasons for feeling that he needs to leave. I don't know why he thinks it would be a fresh start - he would still have done what he has done and would be dealing with a different kind of fallout, that's all.
Aren't ya glad we're not talking in person?