hey there, I have been following your posts the last few days and did some reading up on the earlier ones, I just wanted to say I feel for you, My wife has taken the stand of saying nothing will ever change, no matter what I do or say she is done, she moved out a week ago and this has been the most heart wrenching time of my life, I understand your earlier mistakes with the begging and crying and saying things will be different. I found this site a week ago and have began to implement some of the things I see, it has been so hard not talking to her, she has called me once asking to move more stuff out of our house, otherwise she seems super happy being away from me, I really miss her and think what I could have done differently, BUT I do think that this is a great site and even though it goes against everything we ThINK we know, I am putting my faith in myself(for once) and god and this whole crazy db thing, hang in there, I wish you could read my posts but I don't know how to link to it.
Thanks Everyone. Ted, I wish we weren't having to meet like this, but I'll definitely come check out your thread, maybe we can help each other through.
Well today has been has horrible as I thought. Cooked H a special breakfast for Fathers Day (from the girls) then left for church. He then left to take the girls for a day of fishing. Then when he gets home (around dinner time) it's the bomb day for the girls. Nice Father's Day huh. His planning seriously is the worst in this. So tonight we tell the girls he's leaving. I hardly slept last night. I mean how do you get over the last night with your spouse in the house? Tonight could be the last night we all live together. I cannot seriously comprehend that. And I'm devestated at what the girls are going to go through.
I feel awful today, and just know the next few weeks are going to be horrible.
I keep trying to stay positive and think "maybe this will be the thing that really makes him think" but he's just been so resolved on divorce with no interest in working together on anything. I just don't hold out much hope. I know it will be much easier for me to DB when he leaves, so that's the ONLY positive I'm taking out of it for now.
I just don't know how everyone gets through this. I was a basket case at church today, and the sermon was all about suffering (um, yeah, felt like it was tailor made for me). I pretty much bawled through the whole thing.
Then I randomly walked around Target not even knowing what I was doing there, but just did not want to go home. Then finally got tired of walking around and came home. now here I sit trying to decide, do I take the family pics down? Do I take our wedding pics in the bedroom down? Is that worse for my girls, is it better to leave as much around the house the same? It kills me to see these happy family and wedding pics around.
I know, trivial in the scheme of things, but I'm just sitting here, not having a clue of what to do with myself and just want to do SOMETHING.
How do you say goodbye on that last night? Someone please share the manual.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I'm sorry this is such a terrible day, and even worse for your daughters because they have been misled into thinking they were having a good day. I have no idea what to do. I was lucky and was able to short-circuit my husband's affair and piece the marriage back together. But as for the pictures, I would ask the girls tomorrow, or the next day if they want to change things. Maybe move some pictures around, or go buy some new ones together. The house will be for the three of you, so I would get them to help me make the changes.
hey chris, yeah this is a hard time I kinda left a post for you on my thread, but I wanted to say that it will be very hard, I've found myself doing some strage activities, going to stores to buy things I don't need, I've never cleaned the house so many times in my life, it's like super clean it's amazing, I guess what made me feel just a little better and not much grant you, was to keep posting on here and definitely keep your resolve, I know it's very hard, but I keep thinking of the long distance finish line way down the road, I wish it were tommorow but I know that isn't possible, and this time "apart" will give me time to correct the things within myself that made this situation today. I feel for you, i truly do, if I can help you through this I will do my best. take care, ted
Well, as predicted it was heart wrenching. Just heart wrenching.
I'm destroyed and so exhausted emotionally from the day. I'll write more tomorrow. Please if you are the praying kind, pray for my sweet D's. Especially my D6 who took it so incredibly hard.
Dear Lord, help H see what he is doing. That he has everything here, and that happiness awaits if he will just grasp on and work WITH me.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Hey Chris, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been thinking about you and your daughters this weekend. We don't have kids so I didn't have to deal with that, but I can imagine how horrible it must be.
Hopefully you can do some fun things with your daughters to take their mind off of things. I hope this separation makes your H wake up and see what he has. Hang in there.
Wow Chris...you are in such pain, its hard to read it.
I have been through what you are going through, so I know. There are very few life experiences that are harder than telling your children that one of their parents is moving away. I am praying for you.
I do still think there is hope for your situation, but YOU are the main concern right now, not the relationship. YOU must get through this for your girls, with or without your husband. YOU can and will be strong enough to do this, even though right now you feel like you'd rather die than get out of bed sometimes.
If you need to, go to your doctor and get on anti-depressants to help you get through this time.
It may take a long, long time to really get over it, so be kind and patient with yourself and don't expect yourself to just snap out of it or be happy all of a sudden. That *may* actually happen and many people surprise themselves when they do suddenly just get a lot better all at once (ephiphany stuff)...but this may NOT happen for a long time so be prepared that it could take a year or more before you feel normal again.
Trying to hang in. Last night was hard. I think the days will be easier because I'm used to being alone with the girls during the day. Last night it really got to me though. Not that he's been a great companion the last 2 months or anything, but the house was just so dang quiet.
I'm starting to stress more on this separation not being separate enough, and therefor now allowing him to really miss me, the girls, this house, our community etc. I know that sounds strange as I didn't want him to leave, but at least if we are going to go through this hell I'd like it to be productive. But because he is staying with a friend over an hour away, and the logistics of him getting down here to see the girls on work nights etc, much of his visiting will be here at the house.
Like tonight, D6 has a make up T ball game this afternoon at 4:30. He's going to get off work early, come down for that, then take the girls out to dinner, then he told them he'd tuck them in bed. D6 has been staying up until around 9pm since it's summer and schools out. So I decided to go grocery shopping tonight (not often I can do that without kids in tow) but obviously I will need to come home to get the groceries in etc. Then what. Do I take off again, or just go outside and work in my garden and make myself scarce?
He's a great Dad, so plans to see them like every other day. All the weeknight things will probably be here, and we can't afford for him to eat out with them each time he sees them, so how does that work? Do I cook for him with the girls, feed them early, say..... "bring groceries to cook for you and the girls" (not likely since he'd be coming straight from work, and without stopping doesn't get here unil 6:30pm).
I mean, logistically, because he is at a friends and not in his own place where he can take them, and it's so far, I feel like this separation isn't going to be as separate as it should be to maybe affect change.
UGH!
So final question if you got through all that.
He called this morning while I was oustide staining our deck. He left a message saying he just wanted to check on the girls to see how they were doing and to give him a call, or if I didn't want to he'd just see me tonight at the T ball game. I'm planning on NOT calling and just seeing him tonight.
Also, we had some big issues last night with D6 and more destructive behavior in the house (she's been doing this the last couple of months. Ripping wall paper, breaking tile, squirting hand soap on the carpet etc. This is NOT like and and very new)........Anyway, she did the soap carpet thing last night, and I want to tell him about it, but I'm worried that he'll just see it as a "guilt thing" instead of me informing him how they are doing. Thoughts? I think he needs to know it's not all rosy, although he isn't seeing things as they really are right now anyway.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
So I decided to go grocery shopping tonight (not often I can do that without kids in tow) but obviously I will need to come home to get the groceries in etc. Then what. Do I take off again, or just go outside and work in my garden and make myself scarce?
Hmmm...I would probably do either one, leave or work in your garden. Definitely make yourself scarce. He can't miss you if you two see each other all the time. He needs to see you doing things you enjoy and doing things for yourself. That is the perfect time because I am sure you don't get much time to yourself with two young girls!
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He's a great Dad, so plans to see them like every other day. All the weeknight things will probably be here, and we can't afford for him to eat out with them each time he sees them, so how does that work? Do I cook for him with the girls, feed them early, say..... "bring groceries to cook for you and the girls" (not likely since he'd be coming straight from work, and without stopping doesn't get here unil 6:30pm).
That's a tough one. Maybe on the days he comes there HE can cook rather than you....he wouldn't necessarily have to bring groceries, but he could do the cooking. You could just tell him you have plans but the girls need to eat so he will need to cook for them. You have to step back enough for him to truly see what this would be like. I do think it will start to get hard on him seeing the girls that much if he lives so far away. That will start to take a toll on him.
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I want to tell him about it, but I'm worried that he'll just see it as a "guilt thing" instead of me informing him how they are doing.
Maybe someone with kids can chime in here. Would it be a guilt thing though? I have a feeling that by telling him you would be hoping he would say "wow, this is really tough on her...maybe I should just move back". I think you would at least be hoping that it would trigger those thoughts.
Is there something that you would want him to do about it? If so, then if you brought it up you could say "D6 has been acting out lately, I was wondering if you could have a talk with her." I guess just ask yourself what you would expect him to do or how you would expect him to react by telling him. I know you probably genuinely want him to know how she is doing...just think about your expectations.
