There is no real transparency plan in place. I've realized that if I want to contact OM, I will contact OM. I can find ways. What I need to do is resolve myself that I will not. If I cannot make that resolution, then I need to leave the marriage.
This is playing with fire. There's nothing wrong with admitting you are powerless over something, and putting an accountability system in place to help you deal with the weakness.
Personally, I just don't think you WANT the accountability system in place. I think you want to be able to contact OM if you choose to do so, without your husband knowing about it. The fact that you are choosing not to tell him about this most recent contact speaks to that as well.
If you are serious about giving your marriage this last, best chance, then I implore you to put a full NO-CONTACT/TRANSPARENCY plan in place, with your husband.
whatdidido: I am unhappy and being unhappy is not good for my child. I need a time frame so that I don't stay in something "just to get through the day" and wake up 10 years later and realize that nothing ever changed.
This is kind of what my W says, not happy, tried, she knows I tried and did everything I could for her, she still wasn't happy, felt the clock ticking and she felt like she was just treading water, going through the motions but getting nowhere. She was acared to wake up 5-10 years from now and still be treading water
What you are feeling is normal, we all feel the changing of the seasons, they move quicker and quicker, in a blink of an eye the years is gone and another one has begun.
You will find out what is right for you, what path you should take. This is a major difference for some of us and you. Our path is/was set for us, we did not get to choose. Its now up to us to forward with our lives.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I think getting into short-term counseling is a good idea. You have Retrouvaille coming up in a few weeks, and that should help. Sg has made the point several times that sometimes people feel that if Retrouvaille doesn't work for them, then there is no hope. That isn't true. As good as Retrouvaille is, it is still only 2 days of training on how to work on your marriage. It takes a lot of practice, and it comes easier for some than others. Two days of work is not a lot of work in the scheme of things. And many times the problems are deeper than communication. I just say this as a warning. I don't want you to go to Retrouvaille thinking it is the 2-day fix. It is good, but it took years to get where you are today, and it is small babysteps to get out. Soemtimes, it is even hard to tell you are making progress. So you are right not to wait for Retrouvaille. You need a plan that includes Retro as a component.
Whatever accountability system I put in place, I would be able to "crack" it if need be. I think maybe I feel that a hurdle I need to jump is to WANT to stop on my own, not because I have to but because I WANT to.?????
Whatever accountability system I put in place, I would be able to "crack" it if need be. I think maybe I feel that a hurdle I need to jump is to WANT to stop on my own, not because I have to but because I WANT to.?????
That's an altruistic reason.
It's also playing with fire, IMHO.
There's also something to be said for putting the BEST tarnsparency/accountability system in place that you reasonably can. Would it be foolproof? No. But just as the credit cards frozen in a block of ice in your freezer makes them tougher to use, so would a good plan help you maintain your no-contact pledge.
Jeff- It is good to remind me that at least I have a choice. Although, sometimes I think that I wish I didn't. Kind of like h4h's wife....wishing our H's would let us go to "make it right". In the end, I hope I will be glad that my H did not give up on me.
Puppy- I'd be the type to melt the ice cube every time I wanted to shop, no problem, if I really wanted to. I am going to think about what you said a little more, though.....hmmmm
Sara- I am heeding your warning of retro being the end all be all. I think I knew this, but it is nice to have something to hold on to when things are bad. I do think our problems are deeper than communication. So, I am thinking just a counselor for myself to deal with this lack of feeling and missing feeling toward H....Or, do you think couples counseling?
I think by now wdid you can guess what I am going to say. I will say it anyways.
If you tell the OM you are working on your marriage and he does NOT stay away he's is NOT mature enough to enter a long term relationship with you or anyone.
The best measure of how well someone will contribute and respect their own relationshp with you is how they contribute to and respect your relationship with others.
The OM doen'st care about your marriage, so he is not ready to show enough care for any relationsihp you may have with him. You may think it will all be fine long term, but he doen'st have the maturity to work through the rough patches with you.
Right now, what you need from him is space. Even if you ASK him to meet you, he can say NO.
What He needs to do for you is to leave you alone. He isn't doing that. So this is how he will behave when you and he hit a rough patch later. The OM that you think is so great will just act on impulse and fail to control himself. This may be a loss of temper, an affair he ends up having with someone else, etc.
The OM can't police himself like a mature adult. He is NOT ready for you or anyone long term.
Your husband HAS policed himself. Many men would have thrown you out, changed the locks and took your child away from you. Your husband is controlling himself and showing the maturity it takes to make it long term. The OM is NOT shwoing maturity at all here.
Your husband is extending care for you while under a considerable amount of upset, the OM is extending care for himself despite a mountain of obvoius signs he doens't belong anywhere near you.
Who is going to make it long term with you here? Who do you want around your child?
Stop fantasizing and thinking THAT is what keeps couples together long term. The secret ingredient to long term life of a marriage is maturity. Your husband is showing it and the OM is not.
You need to change your criteria for what you consider vailable in a spouse. Romance and sex are NOT going to keep a couple alive long term. Look for maturity. To my mind right now in my home demonstrating the maturity of a full grown adult is the sexiest thing on earth.
My guess is most adandoned spouses here will attest to how SEXY some MATURITY would be in a spouse right now.
Looks, charm, and romance, wont' last. Does your spouse care about you as much as they care about themselves? THIS is the bar that must be met. The OM just cares about himself right now - he failed your test by NOT walking away. Your husband is the sexy one showing compassion and a world of maturity. THIS is what your SON needs in his life, not some creep that sneaks around, hurts households, and pisses all over troubled relationsihps in private homes.
Whatever turns you on, lose it and find mauturity and parenting influence sexy. If you want a marriage and a happy child you need to start finding the behaviour that promotes that sexually exiting.
Far too many women find romance and sex exciting, but in the same breath claim they want the security of a long term relationship and a family.
If you WANT something, then praise that as sexy and stop working mauture boring spouses into a corner. If you want a family, then look at family men as sexy and stop playing games.
I for one would be furious to think that someone would suggest the OM is at all the kind of influence I want around my children. Your huasband can parent and guide my children any day. AS for this OM, he should be tossed into a sewer where he belongs...along with the rest of the rats.
Whatever accountability system I put in place, I would be able to "crack" it if need be. I think maybe I feel that a hurdle I need to jump is to WANT to stop on my own, not because I have to but because I WANT to.?????
The thing is that OM is an addiction for you. He makes you feel good....just like alcohol makes an alcoholic feel good..even though it isn't good for them.
Yeah, you can crack the system...but it should be HARDER to crack the system. An alcoholic shouldn't keep beer in the house...yeah, he could crack the system by going to the store and buying some...but doesn't that make it a little harder than just having it in the house??
You are making excuses. You will never be able to effectively work on your marriage if there is contact with OM. He makes you feel good, I don't think you are going to WANT to stop on your own. You need to stop because you HAVE to....then after a LONG time with NC...you may WANT to. You need help to get over that hurdle. Puppy, you are better at this than me, maybe you can give her some ideas for a transparency/accountability system.
I am not a good one to ask about counseling. Saffie goes to a cognitive behavior therapist (CBT) and is very happy with the results. You should talk to her about it. And SallyM has had a lot of help through a therapist. I do not know if she goes to a special kind of therapist. I suggest you put a note on SallyM's thread and ask her about IC vs MC for your particular situation. I think she could be more helpful than I can. And I'll send a note to Saffie to look in on your thread.
I am unhappy and being unhappy is not good for my child.
My husband used to say the same thing when he was unhappy about the marriage. Of course, he later learned that his unhappiness didn't have as much affect on his child as he thought. And there were other things that would really rip the kid to shreds.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
