I really enjoyed holding W today, even if it was only to say goodbye. I hate the amount of energy that is exchanged when we see each other - it's palpable and she feels it too. It makes you scared yet hungry for more. Our eyes constantly meet and all the emotions we can't express in words are shared through gaze. Except pain. Pain alone is internal, understood solely by each individual.
Words tumble out and we're suddenly the same people we were 12 years ago, shyly looking up, sharing our thoughts, wondering if the other thinks we're stupid or interesting. Not sure of how to act towards the other. Feeling self-conscious. Previously we were falling in love, whereas now we're divorcing.
She holds my hand, tears stain her cheeks. I mirror her. This should have been, but it won't be. These moments will slowly dwindle away and we'll find others. I doubt the connection will be as deep, but the new connections we discover will be more satisfying. Perhaps truer to our needs? I don't know.
I'd rather have been sacrificed to love, though; I'd rather have had my flesh butchered and eaten raw then put out to pasture to chew cud and low, having never discovered the heights to which you can soar or the depths to which you can plunge.
She is a woman and I'm better for having explored her emotionally, intellectually, physically, and without abandon. I hope she is better for having been with me.
That is a beautiful sentiment, Lodo. I wonder though if you haven't already experienced both the heights to which you can soar and the depths to which you can plunge. I think you mean that you want to keep doing it. And who knows, the future is a great mystery. You could find yourself exploring those heights once again with her a year or two down the line, or with someone else. The most important thing, as you know, is resilience and adaptation. After the storm, there is renewal.
I meant to indicate that I feel I've experienced the highs and lows. But hey, late night rambles ... from emotion to fingertips with no stop mechanism in between.
Just an update. For better or worse I've decided to take the higher road and be a friend. She may walk all over me at times and I'll have to decide where my boundaries are, but otherwise, why be confrontational? Things are as they are and there's no reason to hold onto bitterness.
So she called early this AM. Was nervous about relying on just her car in the field, so wanted to take my truck for 3 weeks. We had kept the truck for precisely this reason, so I told her she was welcome to use it. She also asked if I'd check to make sure the timer for watering was working properly. I agreed.
When she came over to get the truck, we sat out on the patio a bit. Talked about work. Light-hearted, voiced frustrations. Nothing too deep. She thanked me again and then left.
I feel like this will be a good route to take. It won't lead to reconnecting romantically, but at least it's pleasant and non-confrontational. I just have to stop thinking of her as my wife, painful as that may be. And who knows, when she gets back, maybe I can ask her to dinner and she'll accept.
oofda! your late night post reads like a steamy romance novel. Is that a new career?
Please send pic of truck (and dog if you had one). Kidding - remember the tshirts like that?
Quote:
Things are as they are and there's no reason to hold onto bitterness.
Please provide lessons oh wise gwasshopper.
So, your W is going off to the field for 3 weeks with OM and your truck? How odd and funny and ironic. Ya gotta know you'll be in her/their presence the whole time.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
