It's time to do it....so much easier said than done, but I'm trying hard.
There is no real transparency plan in place. I've realized that if I want to contact OM, I will contact OM. I can find ways. What I need to do is resolve myself that I will not. If I cannot make that resolution, then I need to leave the marriage. I think I needed to contact Om this last time to see that it is real, this emotional need I have for him, and to make a final decision of what I am going to do......ambivalence is unhealthy and even if I stayed with H, if I was ambivalent about my intentions, whether I stayed or not, the marriage would fail.
So, where do I stand now? I realize that I have these strong feelings toward OM and that I worry about losing him. I realize that if I leave my M that I would always wonder if I did everything I possibly could and would never be fully happy with that doubt no matter how much I "love" the OM, this due to the fact that there is marital history and a child. I feel the same about the OM in that I will always wonder...but I do not have a child or history with OM. I realize that my M may never have been "good" to begin with and the trying may be futile. I realize that I am 37 years old and a year of trying and failing could mean a more dismal future due to my age. I am trying to choose my marriage, but I don't want that to mean I choose my marriage over happiness. I am making a conscious decision to work on my marriage and try my very best. There are never any guarantees, either way. All I can do is use my head, and my heart and make the best decisions I can make. I am going to fall, and I'm going to fail, but like Sara said once- life is a series of making mistakes and learning from them, and striving for happiness.
Next steps......went to bookstore and read a book that made me concerned about whether my marriage has a chance. Still not wanting to leave, though....that's gotta mean something. I'm thinking maybe I should try to find a counselor to help me deal with my feelings toward my H. I don't want to be in counseling forever, however. I want results. I need to read my books again and start doing the things they suggest even though I feel nothing.
That's where I'm at....at least at this moment. For me, getting my emotions under control is a very hard thing. What I want, and what I feel are two very different things.
