So, in return I ask you, do you find yourself accommodating others too much (mostly in a R)? I think that is more my problem. Most people don't have an issue with someone taking care of themselves, however, by being too accommodating, I tend to attract men who take advantage of that.
I use to have that issue. I also attracted men and friends that gravitated towards me b/c I was malleable and leveraged my "people pleasing" and inability to say no to their advantage. And many of them relied on sulking, nastiness etc. to try and "persuade" me to continue to accommdate them when I started to back off. I use to feel like I was locked in a prison. And I was afraid of getting too close to people b/c it meant that I had yet another R where I felt overwhelmed and overextended. I was afraid to get out b/c I had to deal with the nastiness that followed that...
I fnally faced this issue when I Uninvited a Guest that I said yes to visiting me last December b/c I "couldn't" say no. My C rarely makes non-negotiable demands. This was one of maybe 3 times over the course of the last 10-12 years that he has done this. My C made me take responsibility for changing my mind and uninvite him. I had to do it by phone in a direct conversation. I was not allowed to sneak it in via email or voice mail or other confrontation avoidance medium. I had to remain constructive. And my C prepared me to expect him to be upset and to deal with that being okay. And yes, the Uninvited Guest was nasty - perhaps some hurt feelings were warranted. But he went into personal attacks which completely validated my decision to uninvite him.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and it was a huge life altering learning experience for me. It was the first time in my life where I valued my own needs in a case where I seriously inconvenienced someone else by valuing my own needs.
Since then I am not as nice or accommodating. My evaluation of whether of a request for something is not focused on "can I do it." It is "do I want to do it."
Granted I have not had much practice b/c it is much easier to take care of you when you are alone. The test is allowing someone in close enough and then being able to say NO knowing that saying NO will not make them happy. And yes, I am a little afraid of whether I will be able to still meet my own needs in an R.
And yes, given my programming from the past - I am use to people leaving the minute I stop accommodating. And that is scary when you care about someone. But I am finding that is a good thing. They are not really friends. They are in the R with me with an agenda. And it is the agenda that matters to them - not me.
The good news is that as I am changing the people that are graviating towards me are changing. They are more self-sufficient and better able to take care of themselves. They are not my friends b/c they "need" me. They are in my life b/c we have things we can share. And yes we lean on each other - but not in a desperate drowning kind of way.
And I have made an affirmative effort to get out of the business of rescuing people. I will offer a hand. But I will no longer jump into the lake headfirst, toss them my life jacket where I am drowning as they paddle away safely in my life jacket leaving me to drown w/o a second thought.
This one is a biggie. What have you tried to change in yourself to be "not nice?"
