Start of the long and bumpy road........

[Neilh23]

Twindad...that's awesome. I'm very glad for you. She didn't get me anything, as in a gift, but i had gotten springsteen tickets awhile back and said originally that it was part father's day, part birthday gift. so i didn't mind that.

I feel your pain about not getting a card from her specifically...i didn't get one from her either...but did get a cool one from the kids, which i complimented her on and got a smile.

I would let her bring up the move back in....seems like you might've jumped the gun a bit on it. Although, I wouldn't worry about it too much. you did good with a nice recovery.

Nice Job! I hope my sitch starts to straighten out like yours is.....

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I will be thinking about you. I hope it goes well. You can do it!

[ms ladybug]

Wow. Sounds like you had a great weekend! She's still hesitant about you completely moving back. Don't mention it again, let her initiate everything. This takes time...sometimes a LONG time. But, the comment about having another child is not to be taken lightly.

[TwinDad]

Thanks Ladybug! That is exactly my plan. It is just hard to keep my patience being what appears to be so close to my goal. I big part of me just wants to say enough of this BS.

I must admit I did let Fathers day get to me a little but didn't show it. It just hurt a lot that she couldn't find it within herself to wish me Happy Fathers Day. It was almost like she was making a conscience effort not to. She would tell the kids to tell me happy Fathers Day, but wouldn't say it herself.

It took some good DBing on my part not to let it get to me. At least she showed it throughout the day through actions

I did have my first IC session yesterday and before going I asked my W what she viewed the issues to be:

1) I need to be more assertive (which she affectionately refers to as growing balls)
2) I need to not be controlling
3) I need to not be passive agressive
4) I need to stop being smoothering

The good news is after saying these things she did actually give me some credit by saying I have got better in these areas. 3 and 4 are relatively easy, though I do tend to slip on 4 because I am a giver. The tricky part is th ecombination of 1 and 2. They conflict in many ways and I would just love to know how to be assertive without coming off as controlling. I guess this is my biggest challenge and where the work will be done.

[ms ladybug]

It's a HUGE step to identify what you need to work on. Really, took me almost 8mos to figure that out! Now, you can have a focus in your IC.

Sounds great!

[JenInVen]

Hi TD,

How did the C session go? What goals did you set with your T? Also you told us what she thought your issues are but what do YOU see as your issues?

Jen

[TwinDad]

Jen,

The session went ok....it was filled mainly with bringing the C up to speed and discussion some of my objectives. I actually tend to agree with my W a little bit, though I think it has been mainly a communication problem for me. I don't seem to speak her language sometimes. She says I am controlling and that I think all of her ideas are bad. I don't feel that way and I don't want to control her, so I feel I need to find a better way to express any cocerns I might have to her without frustrating her. I also think I need to work on my conflict resolution skills a bit.

Part of the hard part for me is that my W tend s to be her won worst enemy and tends to get herself in predicaments that ultimately make her feel trapped (particularly in financial deals). A lot of times I can see this and have been unsuccessful in discussing them with her which results in her making the decision out of spite. It causes me sadness because I don't to see her get into these situations and the stress that results.

[JenInVen]

Hi

Well, it sounds like the session went well. Is this a weekly thing? Remember that you cannot change your wife. If she is "her own worst enemy" there is absloutely nothing you can do about it. You need to work on you and she may follow suit and change too. Remember what MWD refers to as the "butterfly effect": a butterfly flapping it's wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.

Jen

[TwinDad]

I know, I have noticed that some change sin my part have made some minor changes in her....she has been helping out more, etc.

The sessions are on a weekly basis for the first few and then she re-evaluates the need.

Remember what MWD refers to as the "butterfly effect": a butterfly flapping it's wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.

So you are responsible fo rthe bad weather moving through here....lol

Thanks....I do plan on working on me. When I first mentioned to my W that I had an appointment she said "you are still going to that" I just responded that I wanted to be a better person and there were some things I could work on.

[Neilh23]

Twindad...

HOly cow. you have many of the same issues that I do! My wife says i was controlling in exactly tyhe same ways...that i never took her ideas into consideration..etc. My IC says that it was a very subtle issue that developed over the course of time...esp. since we had kids.

It's a difficult journey, that's for sure. It's taken me along time (almost 3 months) to get to the point where we are really starting to examine my inner issues. My IC has really helped shed some light onto my sitch....the only thing I don't like is that he never really seems to give me hope that my W and I will reconcile....it's weird.