I'm not sure about walking away. Do you think it'd be easier for you to do that? Is it what you want? i think that's the place to start from before you decide what to do. For me personally, I had to see if there was anything I could do to save my M; my H were really happy before the crisis stuff hit.
In relation to the money- do you think there's a way that you and H could discuss it without him viewin it badly? Or is there a way you can sort things out without having to speak to him directly? Maybe send him an e-mail outlining the problem and asking what he would see as the solution (or offering one yourself)? You need to protect yourself financially, IMHO.
Hope you had a good day today. I haven't seen your goals. Have you got some written?
My h has just texted me saying could we meet up tomorrow to discuss things. He will want to talk about the house I should imagine and I will need to talk about his contribution to the finances.
I really really don't want to meet him. I don't know how I should act or what I should do. This is the first time that I will have seen him since he said everything was over. But I don't have any plans and can't really put him off.
So, my plan is to be calm and kind but not a pushover. To listen and validate when necessary but mainly stay fairly quiet (a complete 180 for me!!). This will be very difficult because he doesn't speak! To listen to his suggestions about the house but not really respond.
I have a clear idea about what I want from the house etc. but I think the best policy would be to say nothing and say I need to go away and think about it. This would encourage another meeting. If we 'sort' everything in this meeting then it means he won't have to necessarily contact me again.
What I want from the house is that I am 'happy' to sell it but not yet. Although I am doing ok, I don't feel that 6 weeks is long enough for me, or us, to have healed from the marriage and once the house is sold that is pretty much it in terms of our contact together. 7 years of marriage, love and commitment gone in 6 weeks (although separation ahs been for 8 months). Plus it is my home.
What if he wants to talk about the relationship? What if he asks how I am? What should I say? What if he refers to everything in the past tense and to us being just over - there not being any hope?
I am going to look different from when he last saw me as I have had my hair cut and I'll make sure I look good, but he looks terrible at the mo (or he did) so would that put him off and make him feel like he can't live up to me even more?
Should I meet him tomorrow or put him off?
Any help and advice would be much appreciated Thanks guys
What if he wants to talk about the relationship? What if he asks how I am? What should I say?
I would have no problem in telling him something along the lines of "I am sad for us and I miss us". I wouldn't go on and on, but just simply state it. Assuming this is how you feel. If he responds with something similar I wouldn't fall into the trap of "so why are we doing this" I would just vlidate him by saying yes this is very sad.
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I am going to look different from when he last saw me as I have had my hair cut and I'll make sure I look good, but he looks terrible at the mo (or he did) so would that put him off and make him feel like he can't live up to me even more?
Has this been an issue for him in the past? If it hasn't thenn by all means look good! Remember us guys are very visual! and we want our W to look good. PLus it lets him know what he is missing out on.
Chances are if he is not looking good then, he is not sleeping well and is having a very hard time dealing with this as well....he is not likely to admit it but it will show.
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Should I meet him tomorrow or put him off?
I wouldn't put him off...it could be seen as being controlling or passive aggressive
Do you have to sell the home if it is yours?
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
He has never had a problem with my looks although I noticed when we have met before that he responded slightly better to me when I looked like I did when we were married - not saying I didn't look good then but just did my hair the same way and wore the same clothes but that was some months ago and to be honest I am not that person anymore.
He has got very fat and has acne and looks exhausted but he says that is to do with his job. What this ow can see in him I don't know!
The house is in joint names (although his parents put in most of the money) but in terms of the law we jointly own it and they have nothing to do with it. I also view that I contributed in other ways to the marriage in that I decorated it, I have maintained it and I cared for him when he was ill and that took a lot of care. Not that I at all 'hold that against him' but I will try not to be drawn into those kind of things. Hopefully his assumption will be half shares. I just meant by 'it's my home' that it represents my hopes and dreams for our lives together and I am not ready to have it all taken away from me just yet.
What if he does try to get into him having a bigger share and things - should I just say I'll have to go away and think about it. I can't validate that? I can't be left with nothing in this. Also, he might say it is best to sell now because of the credit crunch that all the papers have been saying. Doom and gloom for house prices are predicted.
Thats funny...I ran into my H a few weeks ago, his hair had not been cut, he looked exhausted and had put on weight.
So these guys can think all they want that it "is the job" but please...you worked the job before (or some job) why all of a sudden is that the excuse now?
Why can't they just admit they made a mistake, are miserable, and it is showing physically???
I am not sure it matters who put the most money into it, I don't know what the laws in the UK are, but if it is joint, it is joint. Do you know what the property laws are there?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Then look good!!!! You deserve it. By looking good and confident you are more likely to bring him back.
As far as the house goes. My W and I had planned on selling our home before we even got S. She used that as a convenient breaking point when it did sell. She mentioned something about giving me about 20% of the proceeds on the argument that she paid the house note. I on the other had paid all the remainder of the bills. The argument I made was that I contributed equitably to this marriage and home and therefore deserved my half. She tried to get in a fight with me on it to which I just responded that is how I feel and that nothing would make me happier than for us to be getting a home together. Fortunately I had talked to a L a couple years ago when she threatened D and I was educated.
If he wants to treat you unfairly then just say something along the lines of I will need to think about it and by all means contact a L just for a free counsel...they should let you know what your rights are. Let the L know that you are not interested in a D and that you just want to treat your H fair if he chooses to have one but that you want to be protected.
I know what you mean about giving up your house. We went from a beautiful large home (that I designed base don our dreams) that the kids still refer to as their other home (they want to go back there) to her home which is about 60% the size of our home. It held a lot of memmories for us and it was a very sad day we both shared. I even wrote a short poem about it:
Designed from The dreams of two Built on The hope of more Lived in With the love of four
I had it framed and and pressed with a violet from the landscaping and gave it to my W on the day we sold the house and left a copy for the new owners so they knew what the house meant to us.
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He has got very fat and has acne and looks exhausted but he says that is to do with his job. What this ow can see in him I don't know!
I wouldn't count on it just being the job though he will likely never admit it has to do with the R. I would be compasionate and be his friend about how he feels if it comes to it
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I consulted a solicitor and they said as the property was jointly under our names we should get half each... I suppose I should just stick to that although I don't want to mention that I've seen a lawyer. I suppose just maintain that we have both contributed in different ways to the marriage.
I wish WAS's could admit their mistakes. It would make life so much easier! Doesn't seem to work that way though, they are intent on a path of destruction and upheaval.
TwinDad that poem is beautiful! That must have been huge to leave that house. I suppose the only positive way you could look at it is that you are building a new relationship with your spouse but I can see that you would be gutted. Something to be proud of though, designing your own home - wow!
I wish WAS's could admit their mistakes. It would make life so much easier! Doesn't seem to work that way though, they are intent on a path of destruction and upheaval.
I don't ever expect to hear it at least in my sitch. I think she is now in a phase of trying to get us back together without it looking like she made a mistake. It used to bother me which I wanted to be right instead of happy. Now it just makes me compassionate in knowing that this has been just as hard on her as it has been on me.
I would stick to your guns on the 50/50 split. You can always say you have hda friends that have gone through this and this was how things were handled. In my sitch I admitted that I had consulted with a L a couple years ago to edicate myself. I even told her that I went to the L because she always threatened D and just wanted to know what it entailed in case she ever decided to pursue that.
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I suppose just maintain that we have both contributed in different ways to the marriage.
I guess the extreme example you could use would be the housewife that is married to the successfull business man. If they D, then does the housewife get nothing because she didn't pay for anything?
I do hope you don't dragged into this type of conversation though
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
