H emailed me wanting to know about S again. I responded back with the reply above. I then asked him is wanted to have S for Father's day because I thought that was the right thing to do. I'm going to be heading down to stay with some friends for the weekend and they only live 20 min from H, so it will not be a big deal to get S to him. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends, it should be a great pick me up.
Sounds great! My kids are going to be with their dad on Father's day, and I had them on Mother's Day--only makes sense!!! Karen
Neither of you can quickly, or easily "fix" whatever your S is going through. If this were that easy you wouldn't have your own issues to work through. You could just fix it all.
The only thing you can say to H is.... Yes, S is struggling, but you are going to do your best to try and help him work through it all. And you'll give him lots of attention and support and seek T.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So I just got back from a weekend back with my friends. It was what I needed to help get me out of my funk. I had a chance to laugh, cry, be angry and be thoughtful. Friday night I went with my friend to a bunko party (never even heard of it before that night). While there I met a woman who had gone through the same thing I am going through 3 years ago. SHe said her H told her all of the typical lines - in love with OW, wanted a D, made her feel like she was nothing. THen about a year in a half after bomb he started to change. Saw that he didnt want OW, saw he missed his family and wanted to come back. They started therapy again and are now better off than ever. It was a sign I needed to hear.
I went out Friday and bought myself a new really cute outfit so that I would have a little more confidence when I saw H today. When I dropped my S off this mornig, H would not even look at me. He was still just dripping in anger. Later in the afternoon when I went to get my S to bring him home, I gave H some of his favorite chocolate and said "happy f-day". He wanted to know about when S therapy was scheduled and I told him it is in July. He then had a very defensive stance and I asked what was wrong. He said "How am I suppose to participate when you are all the way up there and I am down here? You need to move back here because S needs his F while he is in thereapy!"
I said that yes he does need his F but I was standing firm with my desicion. We were not going to move back there unless H wanted to go to MC becasue there was nothing there for me. And since I am the primary care taker I need to be in the best place possible. I then slipped and said "It's a shame that you just cant even bring it to your heart to fight to make things better for your family." His reply was that WE didnt need to work on things, that there were other ways to make his S better. <sigh> At that point I said just send me an email with your ideas for visitation and we will go over it - yep, he still has not done that, surprise, surprise.
Anyway, it still was a really good weekend and I'm glad I went. Even though I still get sad at times, I can feel that I am able to detach more and more. His words and anger are no longer getting to me like they used to. Still wish he would just wake up but that is his journey.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I talked again with my T and boy does she know how to help me feel better. Once again she just confirmed over and over that this is about HIM, not me. That I did and have been doing everything in this relationship to make it work and now that I am no longer there to take care of things, his life is going to keep spiralling downward. I have already seen that happening. She also pointed out that I am not the only one he is avoiding emotionally, but my son as well. If he where emotionally connected he would be taking opportunities to talk with S about what is going on instead of just sugar coating it and moving on.
She said that I need to go through an emotional divorce at this time to let go of the toxic relationship that I am in. Not to say that things cant work out later on, but he needs this time to go through whatever crap he has on his plate and I need to be a healthy distance from it, otherwise I will still be the excuse for his anger and he will never grow. She said that there is a chance that he may never grow anyway but this is the best possible chance, by getting as far from him as possible. She said that by even having these small little talks with him while exchanging S I was inflating his ego by making him think he got to have 2 women. She said from now on when I exchange S, dont get out of the car, just let S move from one vehicle to another. Cut the disfunctional ties. What is your opinion on this? Im afraid if I do that then H will just walk away. But hey, he already did that didnt he.
Need DBing advice on this one.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I think you need to be fully emotionally detached regardless of whether you interact with him or not. I think any interaction you have should be light, impersonal and positive. Any negative interaction only pushes him away. I don't think you should ever look like you are going out of your way to see him... or avoid him. And when you come in contact you should smile, wish him well, and leave positive memories. Fun, impersonal and positive.
If he asks personal questions just say positive things, life is good!!! Be vague about your personal life and look awesome. Do not ask him any personal quesitons. Don't tell him you want to get back together or go to counseling (that's enough to make any MLCer run the opposite direction!!!). Just look like you are moving on with your life and that you are happy with it. And you be a friend and wish him well. Don't show any jealousy, anger or anything (no matter what he says!!!). Tell him you are happy he's happy and tell him you support him in finding his happiness wherever it be (and support him no matter how crazy, painful or stupid his words are).
If he feels supported by you he will have a more difficult time hating you. It's harder to divorce someone you don't hate. It's harder to leave someone who supports you and is a friend.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
In my sitch, "going dark" was interpreted as indifference. You have to gauge which is the cheesy tunnel for H. But I agree, whatever the interaction, keep it business. Make him realize that, while angry, you are not his emotional crutch anymore.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I agree with gForce. I am getting to believe that "going dark" isn't necessarily the right thing to do for everyone. For me, serious detaching was seen as indifference, to the point where WW said it was obvious by my actions that I didn't care if she was here or not. So I toned that down.
I know this may be a "cop out" but you have to do what is right for you. For me, it seems that the opposite of "going dark" is the 180 that has created some baby steps in the right direction. BUT, as I said, you have to do what is right for you and only you know that.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I think you need to be fully emotionally detached regardless of whether you interact with him or not. I think any interaction you have should be light, impersonal and positive. Any negative interaction only pushes him away. I don't think you should ever look like you are going out of your way to see him... or avoid him. And when you come in contact you should smile, wish him well, and leave positive memories. Fun, impersonal and positive.
If he asks personal questions just say positive things, life is good!!! Be vague about your personal life and look awesome. Do not ask him any personal quesitons. Don't tell him you want to get back together or go to counseling (that's enough to make any MLCer run the opposite direction!!!). Just look like you are moving on with your life and that you are happy with it. And you be a friend and wish him well. Don't show any jealousy, anger or anything (no matter what he says!!!). Tell him you are happy he's happy and tell him you support him in finding his happiness wherever it be (and support him no matter how crazy, painful or stupid his words are).
If he feels supported by you he will have a more difficult time hating you. It's harder to divorce someone you don't hate. It's harder to leave someone who supports you and is a friend.
This would be my advice as well, for what it's worth. If your husband is getting some of his emotional needs (like friendship) met by you, and other emotional and physical needs met by OW, then he will continue to cake-eat and not have to make any choices. I agree with your counselor.
Karen