I really enjoyed holding W today, even if it was only to say goodbye. I hate the amount of energy that is exchanged when we see each other - it's palpable and she feels it too. It makes you scared yet hungry for more. Our eyes constantly meet and all the emotions we can't express in words are shared through gaze. Except pain. Pain alone is internal, understood solely by each individual.
Words tumble out and we're suddenly the same people we were 12 years ago, shyly looking up, sharing our thoughts, wondering if the other thinks we're stupid or interesting. Not sure of how to act towards the other. Feeling self-conscious. Previously we were falling in love, whereas now we're divorcing.
She holds my hand, tears stain her cheeks. I mirror her. This should have been, but it won't be. These moments will slowly dwindle away and we'll find others. I doubt the connection will be as deep, but the new connections we discover will be more satisfying. Perhaps truer to our needs? I don't know.
I'd rather have been sacrificed to love, though; I'd rather have had my flesh butchered and eaten raw then put out to pasture to chew cud and low, having never discovered the heights to which you can soar or the depths to which you can plunge.
She is a woman and I'm better for having explored her emotionally, intellectually, physically, and without abandon. I hope she is better for having been with me.
