Very often, once sex is somehow initiated, she wants me to be this rough, dominating guy--as if she's being taken roughly in the barn, I guess. That's OK with me, except that I can't slip in and out of "character" in an instant the way she demands. Everything I ask is denied, rejection all the way for weeks at a time, then when she decides she's ready, suddenly I'm supposed to take charge and be forceful--but the instant it's too forceful, you can feel the temperature in the room drop. And if it's not forceful enough, you can feel the apathy. But how in the world can you spend ten years beating a man's spirit down and emphasizing that he has no control over his sex life and you hold all the cards--and then expect him to pretend to be in charge? We both know I'm not in charge. Ever. We both know there's nothing forceful or demanding in me acting demanding, because she can and will shut me down whenever she wants.
This paragraph struck a chord with me, as I am in the process of working through a similar situation myself. If you're interested, take a look at my latest thread and the relevant discussion that followed. Your wife's fantasies/desires are not that unusual: there are many strong, dominant women by day who dream of being 'ravished' and submitting to a stronger, more dominant man by night --> it's the stuff that romance novels are full of. And with love, trust, and good communication these desires are something you can both take advantage of in your marital relationship.
I fully understand how you feel when you say that it's nearly impossible to take charge and be dominant inside of the bedroom when you feel nothing of the sort where your sex life is concerned. I was in the same boat not long ago, and felt like my wife was the one in true control and the 'gate-keeper' of our sex life. The truth was, my wife utterly HATED being the one in charge of it. It turned her OFF. It didn't work for her and made her less inclined to have sex, which caused me to feel even more rejected and less inclined to initiate, especially in a seductive, take-charge fashion. The more timid or indecisive I became, the less interested she became, and around and around we went.
Like you, I am no actor and don't role-play well. Neither is my wife turned on by acting or role-playing. So for us, it was important for me to 'man up' both inside and outside of the bedroom in order for the situation to change for the better. No, this doesn't mean becoming a domineering tyrant or bullying jerk. In fact, my wife feels more cared for, respected, and cherished now than when we began this process: I adore her and thoroughly enjoy treating her like the queen that she is to me. It's primarily been about improving my self-esteem, being more assertive and confident, and taking responsibility for those aspects of the family/relationship that my wife would rather place in my hands (i.e. with her consent and approval) --> sex-life included. One could say the process has been one of enhancing our respective masculine and feminine roles in the relationship, which tends to turn us both on to each other. Along the way, however, there has to be a lot of love, trust, and good communication for it to work for both of you.
An important final thought: The topic of dominance & submission, both inside and especially outside of the bedroom is a very, very touchy one, and for good reason: abuse must be a constant concern and avoided without exception. Also, what works for one couple does not work for another -- so take my input with a grain of salt. I spotted a potential commonality, and have described how it relates to what works for myself and my wife. Take that input as you deem fit.
Best wishes to you,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
