From what I've read so far, I really doubt if your wife's crying is manipulative, it sounds more like "flooding" to me. I think the issue with sex may boil down to her self-esteem:
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She either doesn't want to talk, or she cries about what a bad person and a bad wife she is... As nearly as I can tell, she cries because she thinks I'm calling her a bad person when I bring up sex. Also, her parents had a messy, hateful divorce and she's terrified I'm going to leave her.
You also mentioned that she thinks she's overweight (although you think she's beautiful) and struggles with depression. Did you guys already look at her her depression meds as a contributing factor? Cause those can dampen libido.
What jumps out to me is that you're wife needs to work on her happy. You see her as being in control and manipulating you, but it just might be that people with low self-esteem can be completely self-involved. I don't see that she feels in control of the situation, in fact, she wants you to be in control. Unconsciously, she may be trying to set the stage to recreate the abandonment baseline she grew up with, but that's obviously not what she wants. She just doesn't know how to get there.
You're right--actually seeing a therapist instead of a GP (?!?) for her depression would be an excellent start. :head-desk:
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
