Everything that implies any dissatisfaction with our sex life makes her cry. That's what makes it so maddening to talk to her about it. She usually doesn't discuss it in terms of what we can do. She either doesn't want to talk, or she cries about what a bad person and a bad wife she is. There's no middle ground. Before, I would cut off the conversation when the tears started. In the last couple of years, I've just steeled myself and kept talking. It ends on a hopeful note, but nothing really changes. As nearly as I can tell, she cries because she thinks I'm calling her a bad person when I bring up sex. Also, her parents had a messy, hateful divorce and she's terrified I'm going to leave her. That's part of the reason I'm so emphatic about never leaving. My parents have a very loving marriage. It's not perfect--picture Hank Hill, with Hank's dad living in the same small town--but they love each other and as far as I know never considered separating. I want to have that too, and I feel like I'm about 90% there. But I still don't want to live like roommates. It's not that I want to be passionately in love. I AM passionately in love.
I tried to talk to her about why the SSM intro made her cry, but she was already shutting down and it was, after all, 4:00 in the morning. And I'm supposed to be doing a 180 and not pestering her to discuss it, of course. So I just said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to do this at 4 in the morning, let's get sleep." It's really not fair for me to pester her to read relationship stuff; she's dyslexic, and although she reads well, when she gets tired the words start moving around on her. Reading all about something is my approach, not hers. But she doesn't seem to have an approach to this, other than "I'll try harder." I know she tries, but it's not working.
More random bitching and moaning:
One thing that really drives me around the bend is the way I have to be all things to her. Very often, once sex is somehow initiated, she wants me to be this rough, dominating guy--as if she's being taken roughly in the barn, I guess. That's OK with me, except that I can't slip in and out of "character" in an instant the way she demands. Everything I ask is denied, rejection all the way for weeks at a time, then when she decides she's ready, suddenly I'm supposed to take charge and be forceful--but the instant it's too forceful, you can feel the temperature in the room drop. And if it's not forceful enough, you can feel the apathy. But how in the world can you spend ten years beating a man's spirit down and emphasizing that he has no control over his sex life and you hold all the cards--and then expect him to pretend to be in charge? We both know I'm not in charge. Ever. We both know there's nothing forceful or demanding in me acting demanding, because she can and will shut me down whenever she wants.
Oh, and I might as well tell on myself while I'm telling on her. I hate some of the things I've said. We once had an argument, and I brought up the past (dumb in itself, I know.) Specifically, I brought up our wedding night, when she was "too tired" for sex. On our wedding night. Pretty bad, right? Only she informed me that I was remembering something that never happened--that she talked about being too tired at first, but then "gave in to make you happy, and now you don't even remember it." I don't know what to think. I don't think she'd lie about this, and I know what I remember, so one of us is remembering things that didn't happen. Am I so angry that I remember her doing things that didn't really happen? I don't know.
I bring this up because I found that coupon book today. That made me remember that I was sure I'd thrown it away. Maybe I did, and she rescued it . . . . or maybe I changed my mind, but I remembered it the way that seemed to fit the way I feel now. The coupon book is a minor thing--it doesn't really matter whether I trashed it or not--but imagine being accused of rejecting your husband on your wedding night if it hadn't happened? I know I'm not the only one getting hurt.
