The Ultimatum

[grid, lost]

The day I sat in my car waiting for OW to leave his place, only 11 days ago but it feels more like a month ago, I did not cry, I was not angry, I was calm and cold and numb. And I sat and waited for 4 hours!! Thinking back, it's really quite unbelievable.

Hi FA,
I have followed your stitch for some time. I admire your strength. Dropping the rope and the letter you gave H, did you set time lines for the conditions he meet? What I'm trying to say, how will you know he is not just "talking" you on and on and on?

[fooled again]

grid,

Thank you grid, but sometimes I don't feel so much strong as fed up...fed up with being in limbo and having my life on hold while he continues to play games, lie & string me along. And I'm not afraid of losing him anymore - that's what kept me from doing this long ago.

My ultimatum letter said that I need to get on w/ my life, with or w/out him, it's his choice, but in order for me to do so w/ him, I needed certain things from him, but I didn't give him time lines in the letter; I simply said to take the time he needed to decide, but to be sure of his decision. I said I didn't need his answer right away, but I wouldn't wait forever.

My conditions: (1) H moves home, (2) H is transparent, open & honest, (3) H&I seek financial help to deal w/ debts, and most of all, (4) no contact w/ OW & H provides me w/ proof. Should he choose not to fulfill them or be unable to, then I am out of his life, except as a co-parent.

After telling me he is sure he wants to be w/ me, and assuring me he would meet my conditions, he has been pushing to get closer (esp. wrt sex). Last Thursday I went to his place and talked to him about time lines for (1) and (4), as these are the most important as first steps, but have left him some flexibility:

(1) I said I would like him to give notice the next day & start moving back home asap, not wait until end of July. He told me Sat he gave in his notice & would get a signed copy back today. This means he must be out of his apt. by end of July at the latest. I said I would like him home b/f that.

(2) H is starting to leave his cell out. I will ask for email passwords, etc. Also I asked him to tell me where he is when he will not be reachable by cell. He agreed.

(3) Under consideration - H doesn't think we need it, but is willing to seek advice to plan for the future. "However you want to word it sweetie..."

(4) I said I wanted him to set up meeting w/ OW for this week, we would pay her what he owes her, she would pick up her stuff & he would tell her no contact ever again with me there. He has not advised me of the day/time of this meeting so my guess is he hasn't set it up yet. I will be asking him about this later today.

H has been "talking me on and and on and on" for the past 2 years. I never gave him an ultimatum before and I expect that he knows I am dead serious. We are spending time together, but no sex, and this is a huge 180 for me. I'm hoping this is the way he knows I am not going to back down - I'm pretty sure H knows that our sexual connection is just as important for me as it is for him.

But I also know that I can't make him do what I want. In my letter I said if he wants to be w/ me, it has to be something he chooses freely, with no guilt, obligation or regret. He seemed frustrated, angry & depressed this w/end, especially yesterday - I don't know if he is still wrestling w/ his choice or if he is still in MLC overt depression. Maybe a little of both. I will be encouraged if I see the signed copy of his notice letter today. Otherwise, it will be time to go a little dim...

Take care grid. Btw, I'm still wrestling w/ my dog issues. I'm afraid it was probably a mistake to get a dog when I did, as I don't have the time or emotional energy to dedicate to her, and I can see her suffering a bit. I am looking into a couple of training options, but I may have to admit to myself that this is too much for me right now. If so, I will find her a good home. I'll give it until the Fall b/f I make my final decision on that.

Sorry for going on and on - I guess this was a good exercise for me to evaluate my own progress as well

FA

[Maya44]

FA,

You sound like you've got a good grip on things and sound very much in control of your own self. Good for you!

What kind of poochie do you have?

[fooled again]

Hi dar,

I guess I have a good grip now. It constantly amazes me when I look back over the past two years and what a pitiful mess I became after discovering my H's A. I used to be a fairly practical, strong woman with a good head on my shoulders. My H's A stole so much from me, or perhaps I let it steal so much from me. Now I'm basically back to being the person I was, the person I had wanted to grow up to be when I was in my teens...well, most of the time, anyway. And, btw, thank you so much for saying that

My poochie is a giant, slobbery, lovable golden retriever. She's 2 yrs old but thinks she's about 6 1/2 mos old, will eat ANYTHING. She weighs close to 70 lbs and can run like a bullet. I weigh about 120 lbs and she pulls me around like a kite, and D is about 42" tall, so she's a little bit afraid of her. She's kindof neurotic too (the dog, not my D) - she freaks out if D gets ahead of us when we are going for a walk, and won't let D out of her sight. And if she sees another dog, it's pretty much game over. Oh yeah, she likes to gnaw on your hand to say hello! Fun! But she is sweet and is a total sponge for affection. She needs some serious training, which I would love to be able to give her. Maybe if my H does come through, I'll have more time, energy, attention, etc... Maybe.

Do you have a dog?

FA

[Maya44]

Yes, I have a 6 pound Yorkie. We love him to pieces...except when he's being a little sh*t! In the past we had a Weimeriener (?) and a mutt. The Yorkie has been the best, smartest of the 3.

My mom is looking for a golden so if you know of anyone looking to find a home for one, please let me know. My cousin has 2 and LOVES them to pieces! I'm sure a good training class will break your pup of the issues you're having. We worked with PetSmart here (not sure if you have them by you) and they trained pretty well.

[grid, lost]

My poochie is a giant, slobbery, lovable golden retriever. She's 2 yrs old but thinks she's about 6 1/2 mos old, will eat ANYTHING. She weighs close to 70 lbs and can run like a bullet. I weigh about 120 lbs and she pulls me around like a kite

,
FA you are not alone with dog management problems. Many times people in a crisis will get a big dog to help them through the rough waters. Most have not planned to work with the animal rather just have a mental image of the kids and family dog happy laying around laughing and watching TV. That is not reality plus when you are stressed the animal feels it too and acts out from the tension. A dog pulling on leash usually is not trained, in need of more exercise and in the moment has become leader of the pack. That is what is happening to you. Dog needs training and if you do not have the time, please call GR rescue and have them help you place the dog. A big dog out of control, someone ends up getting hurt.

and D is about 42" tall, so she's a little bit afraid of her.

What does the dog do to make her afraid? Is it just dog has bottled up energy and child is small. Reason I say this is because anything else and you have a bottled up explosion on your hands.

She's kindof neurotic too (the dog, not my D) - she freaks out if D gets ahead of us when we are going for a walk, and won't let D out of her sight. And if she sees another dog, it's pretty much game over.

No your dog is not a freak, from what you have mentioned it sounds as if the dog is leader of the pack in your house hold. Leaders of the pack lead and if your D gets ahead then someone is not leading are they? as in the dog, wanting his place back, leader of the pack. Behavior around another dog can be many things from control, wishing to play, protection,,,etc. etc. Use food to distract your dog's eyes off the other dog and reward reward.

Maybe if

Oh yeah, she likes to gnaw on your hand to say hello! Fun! :) But she is sweet and is a total sponge for affection. She needs some serious training, which I would love to be able to give her. 

Hand gnawing is most likely at 2yrs of age a domance issue and she is sorta saying bad bad bad for leaving me. Sounds somewhat same as a mother dog mouthing a pup that went to far away from her.
FA, please for everyone, enroll in dog obedience school or else have rescue help you place her. Big dogs shouuld not be out of control as she appears to be.
sending this with much concern for all.

[fooled again]

grid,

Thank you very much for your concern - I know it is sincere. I should admit to you that I am being rather over dramatic (I know where my D gets it). The dog doesn't actually pull me around like a kite, but she tries and the only thing is that I'm quite strong. But you are right, she does need more training & exercise. I think w/ my D, the dog is very protective, so when D gets any distance away, the dog is probably letting us know that D is in danger. As for the hand gnawing I can totally see what you are saying.

But our home is quite unpredictable, we don't have a daily routine, as sometimes D is there, sometimes she is w/ H and the dog was very attached to her former little girl. Also, sometimes H is there, sometimes not (though more so lately). I can see how the dog would pick up any stress that's floating around. But the past few days, H has been at the house and I notice a huge difference in the dog, which is probably a reflection on the difference in the rest of us. D is a little afraid b/c of the size difference and the dog's energy, as you suggested, but D is getting more and more used to the dog and learning what to do when the dog is bounding around.

But I will take your suggestions to heart. The reason I got the dog was not for me but for my D, as she was very lonely and I hoped the dog would help her cope as she learned to communicate w/ the dog and focus some of her emotions. The family we adopted her from assured us that she had no discipline concerns and for the trial w/end, the dog was very easy and calm. Things are not always as they seem - go figure. You'd think I'd know this by now.

FA

[fooled again]

dar,

My mom is looking for a golden so if you know of anyone looking to find a home for one, please let me know. My cousin has 2 and LOVES them to pieces! I'm sure a good training class will break your pup of the issues you're having. We worked with PetSmart here (not sure if you have them by you) and they trained pretty well.

I am on the Left Coast (Pac NW), so I don't think I would be able to help you out - unless of course you are on vacation.
Thanks for your vote of confidence. I know that I need to work more with her, and I simply have to find the time.

I talked more w/ H last night, as he was over for supper. I said alot, maybe too much. I reiterated that I wanted to get meeting w/ OW out of the way, but the money he owes her is a big concern (he says). I suggested breaking it down into payments that can be mailed. We really have to figure this one out as I know I will not feel safe until I am certain she knows that there will be no contact.

My coach sent me a poem that I would like to share w/ all of you:

People are often unreasonable & self-centered
Forgive them anyway

If you are kind people may accuse you of ulterior motives
Be kind anyway

If you are honest people may cheat you
Be honest anyway

If you find happiness people may be jealous
Be happy anyway

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow
Do good anyway

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough
Give your best anyway

For you see, in the end, it is between you & (your) God
It never was between you and them anyway!

Mother Teresa

It just made me think.

FA

[Maya44]

That poem really hits home. It's so true. I love the readings I find from Mother Teresa.

[butterflymom]

What a great poem. Thanks FA.

BFM